Post # 1
Hi everyone! I got married about two months ago, and while I’m so happy to be married and living with my best friend, I’m having one major issue: SLEEP. I have slept through the night only a handful of times since we got married and am having multiple nights a week where I only get 4-5 hours of sleep. And it’s starting to kill me, y’all.
I know there’s an adjustment period that comes with learning to share a bed and keep praying that’s all it is, but at the root of the problem is our very different sleep schedules. I have to be at work by 8:30 every morning, which means I need to be asleep around 11 p.m. My husband works from 2 p.m. until 8 p.m. most nights, with about four nights a month where he works until 9:30 p.m. His work schedule plus his natural night owl tendencies mean he’s up until at least 1 or 2 a.m. each night.
I’ve accepted the fact we won’t always go to bed together, but it’s causing two problems for me. 1) He wakes me up almost every night when he comes in to bed. Hoping over time and get used to this. And 2) When we are awake and at home together, we’re at very different parts of our day and energy levels. When living alone, I could be out until 10/10:15 and as long as I had that 30-45 minutes to wind down at the end of the day, I was fine. Now, though, right up until my bedtime, we’re either hanging out or he’s amped up and in “go” mode: all the lights in the house are on, projects are being worked on, music is blasting etc. (and we live in a 900 sq. foot apartment so it’s hard to escape). It’s making it extremely hard for me to decompress at the end of the day and fall asleep well. On the weekends, when we have gone to bed at the same time and been able to kind of wind down and end our days together, I’ve slept fine.
Any suggestions or advice from others who have dealt with this? I’ve tried to suggest we try to sync up our schedules more, but he really doesn’t want to go to bed earlier because he doesn’t want to have to go sleep right after he gets home from work, and unfortunately, I can’t change my work time and bed time. He already has been great about quieting down and turning off TV/music at 11 when I go to sleep, which I know is a sacrifice for him, so I hate asking him to shut down even earlier. But this lack of sleep is killing me and I just don’t know what to do! Any ideas? Does it just need more time??
Post # 2
Can you rock some ear plugs to help with sound? I wake up easily to noise and well, my Darling Husband isn’t the most quiet 🙂 They have helped me TONS!
Post # 3
ks1986: Tell him to get a headset. He can have his music as loud as he wants and he will be the only one who hears it.
Post # 4
I’m not married but have similar sleeping issues with my long-term boyfriend–he literally can’t lay still in his sleep because of a medical condition. The solution? He sleeps in the guest room, by choice, after having to deal with me being a total bitch from sleep deprivation for the first few months we attempted to sleep together. Now, even though we don’t sleep in the same bed together, our relationship is better than ever because we both get a full, restful night’s sleep. We still get in bed and watch TV and cuddle together, but when we start to get sleepy, he gets up and goes to the guest room.
But seriously, for your particular issue, tell him to calm down. At night when you are ready for bed, tell him to turn off the overhead lights, use soft lamps, and use headphones. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.
Post # 5
I second the ear plugs suggestion – b/c of our work schedules/different needs for sleep, my husband and I very rarely get into bed at the same time (and we live in a 700 sq foot apartment!). I find if I’m in bed a while before him (enough time for me to be soundly sleeping before he comes in) and I’m wearing earplus and sometimes a sleep mask, he doesn’t wake me.
Post # 6
I have/had similar issues – I wear ear plugs and take a melatonin and Benadryl. My husband tightened the frame of the bed so it would move around less. I bought black out curtains for him since he works some night shifts. He’s also learned to roll over if I nudge him due to snoring. I’ve learned not to hog the bed. It takes time to get used to sharing a bed:)
Post # 7
I have the same issue with my fiance…..I like to go to bed grandma-style early on weekdays (like 9:30pm), whereas he will routinely stay up til 2 or 3 am. I just go to the bedroom when I start to feel tired, close the door, read or whatever for awhile and then fall asleep. I usually do wake up when he comes to bed (I’m a super light sleeper), but most times I can get back to sleep…..UNLESS HE SNORES, which is another issue we have on and off. We’ve decided to get a 2 bedroom apartment in a few months with a spare bedroom, so I can escape there if I need to.
Other than that, ear plugs, one of those eye cover thingies they give you on airplanes, and benadryl have all helped me a lot. But I think the best solution is having the safe haven of a second bedroom (not necessarily using it every night, but sometimes).
Post # 8
I spent years being jostled awake every time he turned over because we both had spring beds. In the last 18 months, we’ve both switch to tempurpedic mattresses amd I’m sleeping significantly better. I’d also second the ear plugs and maybe sleep mask suggestions. They really help.
Post # 9
ks1986: you will learn to cope on 4/5 hrs sleep. I have. Been together 10yrs. He is retired to gets up late about 10/11am and doesn’t go bed till about 12/1am next morning. I am up at 7am and normally have a snooze in front of the TV about 10/11pm. He will wake to go uoto bed with him. I am a very light sleeper. He gets up 1/3 times for the loo, we have dogs jumping on and off the bed. Plus there is snoring lol.
Eye mask and ear plugs are my friends, try em
Post # 10
ks1986: I think time will help! I also think earplugs and a sleep machine (LIFESAVER) are great suggestions. Also, do you exercise regularly? If I’m pretty exhausted come bedtime, a train couldn’t wake me up lol.
Post # 11
I do think that time will help. I remember it taking awhile for me to get used to this stuff too. Heck, I work 12-6 most days and just this morning I made myself get up at 7 in order to synchronize our sleep schedules a bit. My Fiance gets up at 5:30 for work, and after 7 months I don’t even wake up when his alarm goes off anymore!
Maybe a bigger/different mattress would help to keep you from waking up when he goes to bed? Wear a sleep mask? And talk to him about what he can do as far as turning lights off, shutting doors quietly, etc.
I also recommend ear plugs. My dad is a musician and gets home around 3 am after gigs, so my mom always wears ear plugs to sleep. And so she doesn’t miss her alarm, she uses one of the clocks that lights up and beeps.
Also, maybe he could get in the habit of going to bed around 11! Just because he doesn’t have to be up that early doesn’t mean he can’t. Night owl or not. It’s a sacrifice I make for my Fiance so that we get more quality time together.