Post # 1
FH and I agreed when we got married we would have kids. Lately I’ve been worrying that I’m not maternal, and I don’t get excited about babies and poorly behaved kids really frustrate me. Several people have told me that when you’re an aunt, it’s different, and when it’s yours it’s really different. Well, my brother and his wife just had a baby, all my other siblings are all super excited, and I am (internally), “whatever.” I will preface this that I used to be close to my brother but over the last several years, he has become extremely selfish and I don’t particularly like being around him. SIL is better but isn’t my favorite person either. So my question is that does my lack of excitement signal I am not meant to have kids, or just a reflection of my feelings toward the baby’s parents and not anything else?
Post # 3
Your feelings are totally normal, and I do think that you are reflecting the feelings you have toward the parents onto the baby.
Before I had children, I was worried that I wouldn’t be maternal. I really couldn’t stand to be around children and some children literally made me feel sick. When I had my first child, it was love at first sight. I agree with others that have told you that it is totally different when it is your own.
Post # 4
Okay, a few words from my own experience here. But let me preface this by saying that only you can and should decide if you want to have kids. So first off, I’m a lot the same way you are. My feelings towards kids are “eyh whatever” mostly because unfortunately, you only tend to notice the poorly behaved ones when you’re out and about. I don’t have a huge maternal instinct either.
BUT I have two nephews. I have a HUGE bond with the older one that really surprised me. When babies are little, they’re lovely but like little sacks of potatoes, so your (lack of) feelings towards your brother’s kid are probably because A) the baby doesn’t really do much yet, and B) you don’t have a great relationship with your brother. Over time things will change. My mom hated babies until basically we were old enough to talk and do things with her.
Also, I should say, I’m about to become a stepmother to a four year old. Dear god this child tortures me some days. We have some weekends where at the end of it, Fiance look at each other and say “If we have kids…” but for the most part we’re joking and know we want to some day. Kids are built to test you I think, LOL! What having a four year old in my life has taught me is that I’m not ready to be a full time mom. I’m not ready to have kids right now and that’s okay. It can wait a couple years or as long as we want to really. I was feeling really guilty about that for a long time, wanting to know why I didn’t love every second of being with my future stepson… One day I was talking to one of my BMs about this, and she told me her mom HATED kids. Every kid. Except her own. BM’s mom was Martha frigging Stewart, perfect mom, vaccuumed in pearls type of mom. I was SHOCKED. And then I realized it was okay for me to say “you know what kid, you put me through the wringer this weekend. See you in two weeks”. It sounds a bit harsh and I love my stepson but he’s not my kid and I just don’t have than innate genetic bond with him, end of story. We have a great time together, don’t get me wrong, but he’s like every other kid who loves to figure out what buttons to push.
So my advice to you, don’t rush to make a decision. Who says you have to decide?! Just live your life and maybe one day you’ll decide you want kids, and maybe you won’t get to it. Don’t beat yourself up about it though, you’re not alone 🙂
Post # 5
I am kinda whatev about my niece and nephew, too. Cute, but yeah, i don’t go ga ga nutso bananas over them. My mom always told me it is different when it’s your own, then your maternal switch turns on.
Post # 6
I have never really been a kid person either. I love my daughter but sometimes she pushes me to the point of sitting on the floor and bawling. I had her at 19, an unplanned pregnancy, and however tough it was I would never say I regret having her. I would however say that I wish I could have waited until a more appropriate age when I was completely ready to handle the responsibility. No matter what make sure you do it on your own timeline (if there ever comes a time) because you will have that child for the rest of your life! There are times that I still feel like i am not completely mature enough, but she’s already here and its my responsibility to take care of her no matter how tired, depressed or confused I get.
Take your time in making the right decision and don’t ever feel guilty if you decide not to have children!
Post # 7
Not going to lie, my future nieces drive me pretty crazy. One is 4 and the other is just over a year. I feel like the 4 y/o is a brat most of the time! A lot of it is that I get frustrated when the kids whine or leave their toys out. I was taught to pick my toys up so they wouldn’t get stepped on/broken. I know I want kids but I, myself, worry that I won’t be up for it or I’ll be a terrible parent 🙁
Post # 8
It DEFINITELY different when they are YOUR kids. I love my nephews and niece, but there is a time limit to that love. They’re nice kids, but nicer when I get to give them back to my brothers. LOL. Don’t worry about being maternal. Who knows what the heck that means?? You may not feel it until your baby is 6 months old, and that is totally normal. No worries!
Post # 9
Hubs has never been a big fan of babies or kids…in September our friends had a baby and she is the SWEETEST baby ever. She was at our house today and was playing with our dogs (who LOVE her) and Hubs told me he wants one…(a baby!!) YAY! I can’t wait. We haven’t been TTC, but not trying not to either. He’s going to be a great dad.
Post # 10
I was 16 when my sister had her first child… And I was really sad when I didn’t have that “oh my god I love this child” feeling. Well I’m 24 now and she’s added two more kids to the mix and I’ve moved halfway across the country… And I absolutely love those kids. My niece (the first child, who is now 7) and I have the BEST relationship and my sister says she talks about me CONSTANTLY. Her teacher actually asked my sister if she really knew someone who lived in Texas because she talks about them constantly, she thought she was making it up!
But it took a while, and I don’t know if I’m ready for kids quite yet, but I’m definitely getting there… Two years ago, not so much. But I can tell the difference, I notice babies in stores or out on walks and I genuinely say “oooooohhhh what an adorable baby!” and squeal a little inside. I never used to be like that. I think you’ll know when your ready for kids!
Post # 11
Totally different when it’s your own kids!!! I never really cared for other peoples kids (and my parent fostered kids, so I grew up around a lot of kids besides my own 6 siblings). I’ve never had the patience or tolerance to deal with other peoples kids. They’re fine and cute and all that, but I don’t wanna’ hang with them.
My kids are totally different!! That Mommy thing kicks in and it’s pretty darn amazing. I still don’t care for other peoples kids a super whole bunch, but I’m okay with that, bc I know people probably feel the same way about my older daughter (not my younger daughter, though, who everyone instantly falls in love with). I’ve talked to many FTMs about this, who are pregnant and they always say that it makes them feel better to have a parent admit that they’re not kid people, bc they’re freaking out about it. Some people are kid people and some aren’t. Not kid people make just as great parents as kid people.
Post # 12
it is different when it’s your own. but then again not everyone who likes kids or gets gooey over nieces and nephews wants kids or should have them. i think that society makes every woman feel like she should want to be a mother and it’s just not true! some people are happier without children and that’s ok. ultimately it’s your decision, if you want kids for the right reasons then don’t worry that you won’t be maternal, it will come. if you are worrying because you’re not sure you want them that’s a whole other matter
Post # 13
We watched my 3 nieces/nephews the other weekend while Future Sister-In-Law and her hubby went to vegas. It is totally different to put up with the bad times when you also get to experience the good times. Like in the mornings before school when they were all sleepy and they came out to the couch to cuddle with us. It totally made putting up with the rest of it worth it.
Post # 14
i sure do hope it’s different when it’s your own! i’ve never liked kids. i don’t know what to do with them. i never used to want my own, but when i found my husband that changed.
Post # 15
Don’t worry, I have a new little nephew (although I haven’t “met” him yet, and I’m like, “eh, ok.” I’m not really a fan of other people’s kids, infact, I would just rather not be around them….but…while I typically really don’t enjoy the company of little kids, I do get a very strong “I want to be a mother……..someday” feelings.