Post # 1
I have a bridesmaid situation I need help with. One of my bridesmaids is an old friend whom I adore, but has a lot of issues and can be very rude and socially inapropriate without realizing it. She has a tendency to start fights and cause drama when it’s unnecessary. I felt obligated to ask her to be a bm, and now I’m stuck with it.
In the past she has had a way of making things all about her: when we went out of town for my friends birthday party, she screamed at everyone to get ready faster, threw a fit when we left the club earlier than she wanted to, and just was generally rude to the group. I was so ashamed of her behavior and ever since have been dreading having her in my wedding.
The thing is, she can be really fun and great. She’s just highly emotional and doesn’t understand that it’s NOT ok to snap at someone or freak out on them when you’re frusturated and then act like nothing happened. I’m mostly worried about the bachelorette party (because she can be really bad when she is drunk) and the day of preparation. If she were to cause a scene at my wedding or offend any of my other bridesmaids I would be devastated. I’ve thought about having her get her hair and makeup done last so she doesn’t have to spend as much time with us, but at the same time I want the experience of getting ready with my bridesmaids, and the last thing I want is have anxiety about her being rude to my friends. Oddly enough she is the odd one out – all of my other bridesmaids know each other quite well and that makes it even more of a divide.
Any advice for a tactful way to talk to her about this? I know she loves me and is just an emotional person so she would be sad to hear how worried I am. I really need to convey just how concerned I am that she will act inapropriately. I’d really apprecaite your advice!
Post # 3
Wow, that sounds a little tricky to say the least, I’m sorry you are stressing over this and I would recommend that you tell yourself that you are not in the least part responsible for how other people act.
So you’ve got a volatile and extreme person in your life, she can’t help the way she is, and you can only love her as a whole, not in pieces…she can’t possibly do anything that will ruin your wedding short of an arson attempt or kidnapping, so keep that in your mind.
Set her up to succeed at any and all events, there have got to be people she gets along with better than others, put her in their proximity and always have the number of a good cab company on hand in case someone needs to make a quick exit.
Finally, set your boundaries and limits, if she starts to push it, you let her know calmly that your almost finished doing whatever this is, she needs to find a way to get under control…she’s an adult, not a toddler, and if she’s upsetting you, as friends you should be able to communicate that with her and expect an emotionally invested listener who is interested in your happiness as well.
Post # 4
I think it’s a very delicate subject and there’s too many chances for things to go wrong and backfire if you were going to talk to her about it. Have you considered instead planning around the potentially problematic situations? Instead of a booze-and-clubbing bachelorette party, maybe a spa day would be better for everyone (it certainly is a lot more fun for many girls to get a massage and a pedi than to go out clubbing). You can still enjoy some cocktails but the focal point of the activity is not on drinking. Planning your day-of preparations to keep them stress-free would help, too. That probably means you’ll need more space and more time, but the benefits of less stress on ALL the girls would be huge.
I’m not saying don’t ever bring it up with her— something like “Janie, you know I love how passionate you can get! But not everyone knows you as well, so make sure you plan a lot of ‘me’ time along the way, so you can be really relaxed for all the events” might be a good start. But if you know that she’s prone to not always choosing her words carefully, you kind of have a responsibility NOT to put her in those situations where you know she’s not going to do well.