(Closed) Difficult Family Decision – Parents, help!

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Hell no!  I don’t think you’re being a control freak.  You already know you can’t accept that level of help from her – you know the outcome.  Stand your ground on this.  Her call last night basically told you she thinks you can’t do it by yourself and you’re doing a bad job and you need her.

Prove her wrong.

And the fact that FH is entertaining this idea is a red flag.  Does he agree his mother is overbearing?

Post # 5
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

wow, that sounds very scary to me  One thing I found interesting is that your parents support his.  Do they know the history/relationship?  Also, that you think your FH listens more to his mom.  While I think this needs to be resolved regardless, this will get way worse if you are back in the family home.  Is this the same house he grew up in?  I’d think that would make him revert even moreso.

Post # 6
Member
558 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Do we have the same MIL? LOL I totally understand where you are coming from. Mine keeps saying “When you have babies, they’ll have two “mommies” to take care of them!” and “I can’t wait to be your full-time babysitter! Hopefully you’ve bought a house closer to me by then.” (She lives 30 min away in a very rural area) While I appreciate the offers, I don’t appreciate the assumption that I won’t be able to be a good mother without her around. That and I DO NOT agree with her parenting style – my Darling Husband is the only one of her 5 children who has held a steady job and supports himself. There are many other reasons, but that’s not the point.

The point is you are your Darling Husband are doing JUST FINE without her, and that probably scares her. She doesn’t feel “needed” anymore and she’s trying to insert herself firmly into your day to day life. Don’t give in! Stand your ground!

“I do not want her having influence over my husband’s decisions, because he listens to her more than me.” – This is a red flag to me – if you two have been together 5+ years and he’s still listening and siding with his mom more than you, his wife, then I think you should talk to him about that. Explain how this is YOUR family now, and you and your baby together come first, before his mom.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Well… Do you miss home?  Do you want to move back – not with your Future Mother-In-Law, but in general?  If so, there is nothing wrong with that.  Family support is good — especially when you have children.  I think if you and your Fiance wanted to move closer to family, that is one thing, BUT to move IN with his mother when you both agree it will be an impossible situation is just signing up for trouble.

If you do want to move to be closer to family, what if you suggest a compromise to your fiance?  Move into the town, but establish your independence.  If either of you wants to go back to school, go, but don’t accept help with strings attached.

The fact that you say he values their opinion more than yours is a big problem.  HUGE.  It will come back to bite you in the ass.  I would get that resolved before getting married.  Maybe that sounds dramatic, but this is something that happens all the time — just because you have a ceremony and a piece of paper, doesn’t mean he’s going to suddenly put you above everyone else.  Get that sorted out before you are legally bound.  Make sure he knows what your idea of marriage is, and your expectations for a united front on parenting, family, etc.  I know having a child complicates things, but I would not get married without having these things talked out.

Post # 10
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

She can invite you to move in, and she can offer her babysitting services – but to DEMAND that you do these things is way out of line. Don’t do it. It will absolutely ruin your marriage.

Post # 12
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Hmm.  Time for some tough love then.  I think you need to tell him you are not willing to give in to this offer because you know your relationship will not survive it, and that you will not entertain the idea. 

What about counseling?  Perhaps having a 3rd party mediate would keep him calm enough to listen to your side and hopefully understand that you don’t disrespect his parents (maybe you even like them? on some level?), and that even you know the offer is coming from a place of love and wanting to help, but it would be an impossible situation.  You are not willing to live with them 24/7 and be beholden to them for money.  How about this logic: Sure, money would make things easier in a way, but your day to day would be harder.  So really it evens out 🙂 

Post # 13
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

This sounds very hard. To be honest, I wouldn’t marry this man until you’ve gotten this issue figured out because it WILL be with you for the rest of your FMIL’s life unless you do something now.

Post # 14
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

I love my parents to death, and even then I would never go back to LIVE with them!  My mom tells me ALL. THE. TIME. that she wants me to move closer to home.  But I have a career and we’re making our own life.  Moving home would mean we were making MUCH less money and we would lose the independent lifestyle we love.  We’re out here without any family support either, but we’ve found a way to make it work.  I think that your Future Mother-In-Law is demanding you:

  • Both quit your jobs
  • Move in with them
  • Let HER raise your child
  • Both go to college

Is ASININE.  And CONTROLLING.  And RIDICULOUS!  Seriously, my ex-bf had a relationship with his mother like that…always taking her side.  I dumped him because of that (among other things).  Your husband should always side with YOU when it comes to the welfare and wellbeing of your relationship and child!  NOT his mother.  Your FH sounds like a momma’s boy, and unless you set the precident NOW that you won’t back down to your Future Mother-In-Law, he will always take her side over yours.  As others have said, it’s more important that you talk to your FH about this than your Future Mother-In-Law.  She’ll be bat$hit crazy and call you trying to pick a fight, but it’s your FH you have to convince.  Once HE tells her no, I think she’ll back off.  If push comes to shove, could you tell her you’re moving in with YOUR parents instead?  What would she say? 

Post # 15
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

What a tough situation!

I agree with the previous posters who said that this is a red flag. The fact that your husband doesn’t see or hear your concerns about this worries me. If I were you, I wouldn’t want to move back either! This is a big thing and he shouldn’t reject your feelings/thoughts on the matter and shouldn’t get mad at you over this. I worry that once you get married this could escalate even more. I actually don’t really know what advice to give, other than to try to discuss this again with him by prefacing first that this is an important discussion and he needs to really, really listen and see your side of things and that you are concerned for your future with him and his mother if you don’t resolve this now. Good luck!

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