Difficult future SIL — how inclusive do I have to be?

posted 3 months ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2276 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

bridezgal :  How did she plan 8 weekends of wedding events, like what could she possibly have planned that would require EIGHT WEEKENDS of wedding shit? 

 

Invite her to the wedding, that’s all you really need to do.

She doesn’t need to be in all the photos (talk to your photographer about this ahead of time), and she doesn’t need to go to your girls night. Don’t give her details and dont talk to her about stuff you don’t want her to be included in.

You will be so distracted with other things on your wedding day, you probably won’t notice her.

Post # 3
Member
1262 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

refused to allow us to get married in the same season by “reserving” 8 weekends worth of dates for her wedding event,   I’m confused.  How, pray tell, does she have the power to refuse a grown couples’ ability to get married when they want???  Is she a goddess of time, space and venue?

I’m just amazed at the power you’re giving to this girl.  You’re a grown ass woman.  Get married when and where you want and stop cowering to her.  Open up your mouth and demand that she treat you in a respectful manner!

Post # 4
Member
2826 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Seeing as the rest of your family seems to feel the same way about her (other than your brother), I would not feel bad about excluding her as much as reasonably possible. Be dodgy about the details of the ladies night and if she figures out the when and where, ignore her as much as possible. Don’t invite her to join you morning of and if she asks, be very clear that it’s just you and your bridal party (and mothers if they’re part of it). Provide your photographer with a set list of photos you want and ensure there is a decent number of photos that are immediate family only, sans partners. Will they already be married by your wedding? If not, you could also have your photos essentially be married spouses only. 

Honestly, with the way this woman acts towards you and your lack of confidence that their marriage will go the distance, along with your family’s similar thoughts on it, I would have no qualms whatsoever about excluding her and could not care less about how it made her feel. 

Post # 5
Member
4454 posts
Honey bee

bridezgal :  As far as the photos go, give a list with specific shots for your photog to get. They will shuffle people around for you. Give them a heads up on the issue too. They csn position the bright red ballgown towards the back as well. There’s a ton of tricks to the trade. They’ve undoubtedly dealt with this type of thing before. 

Post # 6
Member
4454 posts
Honey bee

sboom :  Yes OP this! You’ll have to just straight up say no to fsil. 

Post # 7
Member
360 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - City Hall

I’ve learned the hard way that if you allow people to be this way towards you, they will. Stick up for yourself firmly yet gracefully and if she whines and moans, let her. 

My response to her calling your ring cute would have been “it’s more than cute, it’s the perfect ring for me and FH could not have picked a better one. He knows me so well!”

My response to her trying to block off 8 weeks would have been “We haven’t quite decided on a date yet, but we were actually considering this season as well. Don’t we have excellent taste”.

My response to the red dress: “it’s a little much for our venue but I’d want you to feel your best so if that’s the dress for you, by all means, go for it!”

I am sure other bees here could think of better responses that get the point across, I am not the best at thinking of quick responses haha. 

The point is to not roll over. 

Post # 8
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

Do not invite her to your girls night or any of your pre-wedding events and do not discuss them around her. 

 

Give your photog a heads up about her and her red gown. He will be able to move her to the side and cover most of it up by angling her body between other family members (or putting her back row if you have very large families). Make sure to get “siblings and parents only” photos with you and your spouse and then call up spouses & children later.

 

As for her behavior, you have two choices:

1: continue to turn the other cheek

2: put her in her place.

 

It’s really up to you but I would err on the side of growing a backbone and a mouth;) 

Post # 9
Member
331 posts
Helper bee

If by girls’ night you mean a bachlorette sort of thing, you won’t be planning that yourself anyway.  The people who plan and host it will ask you who you’d like invited; leave her off of the list and tell them verbally not to invite her.

Post # 10
Member
1299 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

To the red dress, you should have said yes, sure… but are you sure you want a dress that makes you look that sallow (or hippy or whatever)? Make her rethink the dress without knowing you think it’s tacky or upstaging.

but really… get a backbone and do what you want for your wedding. 

 

Post # 11
Member
4291 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

bridezgal :  give your photographer a list of photos. Have him do ones with her included and without her. Tell them that you don’t love your SIL and would prefer her not being in panoramic type photos of your wedding day. They should be able to frame her out of the shots.

As for your girls night/day thing, just say you are only having your beasties with you if she asks but keep it on the down low and be cagey about any details when she asks. Practice saying this so you are ready when she asks you.

I’m not sure what is happening. The girls are planning it for me. It’s a surprise.

Then change the subject and deflect by asking

What did you do for yours? Did you enjoy yourself?

 

Post # 12
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2020 - Orlando, FL

If there are photos she impedes on have her stand on the end so it’s easy to crop out 

Post # 13
Member
5426 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

I would only allow her to attend the wedding (no other wedding related events) and I would only have her participate in one family picture and I’d put her on the outer end.

Separate from the wedding stuff- is she being rude to you in front of your brother? If so, I would let him know and tell him that since he’s responsible for bringing her around, he is responsible for addressing her poor behavior. And I’d keep putting it back to him.

 

Post # 14
Member
1241 posts
Bumble bee

Bee, you don’t have to allow people to treat you this way. Make your wedding events for whatever damn weekend you please–people will either choose to attend yours or her two-effing-month-deep-wedding horseshite. 

No, no one you disdain to this degree is invited to your girls’ events. People don’t go places if they don’t have information, so you simply don’t provide it. And if she gets lippy, you DO actually need to be assertive; let her know that this is a private event for the ladies with whom you’re the closest. It doesn’t MATTER if you “hurt” her feelings. You DO have every right to spend your time with those you choose. You do not choose her. She does not get a pity invite. She does not get an invite because you’re afraid of her either. 

Oh, yeah, and another thing… stop being afraid of her! You’ll kick yourself for it later. 

Post # 15
Member
2557 posts
Sugar bee

8 weekends? She can only “reserve” those weekends if you let her. You don’t have to give in to this kind of behavior. In fact I’d encourage you to speak up in a way that will embarrass her. ” Why are you saying I look like an overweight 50 year old? Is there a reason for this? Because i think you need your vision checked. Failing eyesight is one of the firat signs of aging you know”.

Anyway, she’s a jerk. Don’t invite her to anything. She can come as your brother’s +1.

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