(Closed) Difficult Husband

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Should I divorce him or not?
    Yes : (40 votes)
    53 %
    No : (36 votes)
    47 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    140 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I said divorce him because if that was my husband, I’d be out fast.  I can’t be married to someone I don’t respect…  Sure my spouse will have times where he’s down on his luck and needs encouragement from me and all that, but this sounds ongoing?  What is he accomplishing? 

    Post # 4
    Member
    4687 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

    It sounds like you are profoundly unhappy with your current life. It also doesn’t sound like you have terribly grave issues with your hubby (maybe you do but it sounded like your relationship has some hope). Can you work on that (and your and his health) before you make a drastic decision?

    Post # 5
    Member
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Before you divorce him, stop doing everything for him. Just… stop. Give him a chance to step up and act like a grown man.

    If he doesn’t, then he’s not a husband. He’s an overgrown child, and no one should have to be married to a child.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5883 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @geekspice:  agree! Give him the opportunity to step up. Even if you have to live in filth or see the business fail. Stop doing things for him and start using 100% of your energy networking to find a new job.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6124 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @wifelife:  

    First of all, I’m sorry you are feeling like this.  Marriage should be contributing positively to your life!  There can and will be hard times, but I think it may be a bit premature to leave him.

     

    You know, you can go to counseling alone.  He doesn’t have to be there for now.  You can use the therapist to help figure out what you need to do to be happy.

     

    I am trying to picture your H.  I a m thinking he’s not got the greatest self esteem.  He is not doing great as a business person/provider, he may not be thrilled with his weight, etc.

     

    I think that it’s only fair that he does his fair share of house work.  You said you tried to lay down boundaries before, maybe try something NEW as what you have been doing does not work.

    First I’d let him know that you are so unhappy with the current arrangement that it gives you thoughts of leaving.  Maybe he has no idea of the seriousness.  Say something like, “Instead of sitting on the couch watching TV while I’m cleaning up dinner, I’d like to see you clean the dishes and clean up.  I need to feel like I have a loving partner and not an adult child.”  Give real physical examples of Instead of, try doing this kind of lingo.

     

    In the evenings, say you are going for a walk around the block, ask him to join you.

     

    I had a very difficult ex-husband.  He was far more difficult that you are describing here.  Like his parents called me a saint for marrying him.  My ex also did not do his share of housework.  I did manage to get him to do his own laundry and wash dishes 3 days a week.  But he was really mean on top of stuff, so sounds like your guys is actually nice.

    Post # 10
    Member
    2376 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I know most people are going to say you said vows to each other and he’s not abusing you, or cheating on you, and you promised for better or worse.  While I respect that, I also think that we all make mistakes.  My first marriage was a combination of youthful mistakes and absolute terror of what my family would think if I bailed at the wedding.  I came to my senses and we divorced a year later.  I would hate to live the rest of my life with someone that wasn’t happy, that only stayed because he vowed to do so.  That’s not a marriage, that’s misery.

    And just my observation here.  You said he’s loving and caring.  You said that you admire him.  Everyone else loves him.  Never once did you say that YOU were in love with him.  If you want to fight for this, then fight.  But make sure there’s something there worth fighting for first.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1293 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2018

    @geekspice: +1

    @wifelife: We don’t know all the details, so we can’t just say “divorce him!” (though I’m sure some people will). All relationships have ebbs and flows. In my experience, most things can be solved with good old communication and compromise. It can’t always be rainbows and butterflies, but you made a committment to this man for the rest of your life. I would say you at least owe it to each other to give it a real shot before throwing in the towel.   

      

    Post # 12
    Member
    1177 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @wifelife:  If you think he might have ADD, then you could try to get him to see a doctor. I can tell you that medication has helped my Fiance ENORMOUSLY over the past 6-7 years since he was finally diagnosed. Disorganization, argumentativeness, anger management, impulsiveness… all vastly improved.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2118 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - Baby #2 due Sep 2017

    @wifelife

    Wow, the poll is at 50:50!

    I said don’t divorce him because I think these issues can be worked out. You wrote twice how he’s sweet and loving, so I can see that you still love him!! You don’t seem unhappy with HIM, but just your current situation. If you can’t get him to go to counselling, write him a letter saying exactly this- that you’re unhappy with the way things are, and what you need him to change.

    You’ve sacrificed you job and steady earning to help him with a business that is borderline profitable.That was very brave, and could be successful in the long run, but he NEEDS to be an active business partner with you. I appreciate that you said he has issues with authority, but I think it’s time he either mans up and gets his own business on track, or he sucks it up and gets a real job so you can have a stable financial future.

    If he really won’t change, I suggest you drag him to counselling so he can hear from a respectable person that he needs to change for your sake and for your financial stability’s sake.

    Only in the worst case scenario where he absolutely will not change to make you happy after exhausting all options should you consider divorcing him.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1631 posts
    Bumble bee

    My computer is stupid and doesn’t let me vote in polls, but I do want to offer my support in whatever you decide to do.

    You are in a very difficult situation and I understand from both sides how you are feeling. I very much love my Fiance but at 24 my life had stopped evolving. Time and time again I told him what I needed from him, and the aspirations I had for him and how I knew he could accomplish all of that, but he lacked any personal drive to do it. We nearly fell apart, and when I sat down and looked him dead in the eye and said “I’m done. I give up. I can’t do this anymore” something clicked and he heard me. 3 months prior to that I sat him down and told him what I needed from him, and nothing changed. So this time, when I said those words I myself was honestly ready to leave. The conversation wasn’t to save us, it was to bow out because I was done trying. I needed him to be my partner in life, and to take pride in our relationship, our home, and our selves. And if he wasn’t able to do that WITH ME, then I would find someone who would. When I talked to him, I told him how I felt that I had failed myself and that I had nothing left to offer him because I had done myself a disservice, and in turn, him a disservice as well.

    In the end, I stayed. We talked for WEEKS. I went through phases wondering if I just loved this man, or if I was IN-LOVE with this man. Like yours, my Fiance is very caring and respectful, he just wasn’t ready to grow up. He’d gone through the motions with me of moving out, but he still wasn’t there. I was brutally honest about my fears for our relationship should it continue this way, and I was brutally honest about how unhappy I was. BUT – and very importantly – I never blamed him for my unhappiness, I never yelled, I just simply said spoke MY feelings, MY hurt, and MY sadness from the life I was living.

    I am very proud to say that was 4 months ago and since then we have both completely changed. Well, not changed, but we are both so much more aware. I was able to get out all of my anger and hurt in a productive way, and he has found a new pride in himself that I’ve known for so long he could have. We’re getting married in 2 1/2 months and we both talk every day about how excited we are to have a TRUE partner in life, and how proud we are of each other for working it out. It has made us stronger.

    It really sucks when you need to hit rock bottom to get something done, but on the bright side, there’s only one way to go from there – UP! Really think about how YOU feel in your life, and what you want for you in your life and what you want from your partner. And then tell him. Tell him this is what you want and need for you, and be prepared to leave if it doesn’t work out.

    As a side note – this happened just after our 7 year anniversary. I think every relationship hits a critical point where you stop trying, get lazy, and take each other for granted. We started dating as teenagers and until that point in our relationship, we lived and acted like teenagers. It sounds like you are ready for the next stage in your relationship and life, and he isn’t there yet for whatever reason. I wish you the best of luck and hope that my story was helpful.

     

     

    Good luck!

     

     

     

    Post # 15
    Member
    1406 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    @wifelife:  Some of the things you are saying about your Darling Husband are similar to what I used to think about my exH. We were supposed to be partners…but he grew up with a dad that bounced from job to job while his mom had A very stable job for many many years. He always expected that the woman did more work than the man. 

    When my exH deployed, everyone kept telling me it’d be hard b/c I would have to do everything by myself…actually it was easier. I took on more stuff while he was gone. When he came back, I gave him time to settle in but then all he wanted to do was sit around. There were many more things that happened after that led to me leaving. 

    I would suggest counseling first…if it doesn’t work, then you know what you have to do. My exH made lots of promises to change, started them WHILE we were separated and then b/c I wasn’t there, had actually stopped doing them within a couple of months….our divorce took a year to finalize. I realized he couldn’t change and I couldn’t be married anymore to someone that I pitied and had no respect for. It wasn’t fair to him or I. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    6215 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

    I would divorce him because it seems like you don’t see him as a partner and have no respect for him, unless you think you can fix things. It bothers me that you refer to it as “his” business and not “our” business- if it’s the two of you, shouldn’t you be equal in ownership of the company? Also, this is minor, but if you don’t want him to be overweight, make him accountable for it. If all he likes to do is sit and eat, and won’t exercise, it’s unlikely that is weight is a family issue, and is instead an inactivity issue.

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