Post # 1
As soon as we got engaged my mother in law has changed so much. At first we were so close I use to tell her everything she was like a replacement mom as my mom lives far away.
Out of a previous relationship I have a 3year old daughter. My fiancé has accepted her as his own child. He loves her so much and would do anything for her.
After the engagement my MIL really changed asking questions why my daughters dialogical father is not in her life and that she will resent me for it one day( her father left us when she was born and he has no interest in her what so ever) She keeps on telling me my fiancé is not my daughters blood and that she would be upset if I kept this away from her.
She has been with us for the whole week and sounds like she wants to stay for another. My house feel like its not my own I would rather sit at work then come home and hear comments of why is you daughter always with my son why doesn’t she leave him alone don’t you give her attention or Your fridge is to small you need a bigger one, I have your towels you need new ones why are you getting married wait a couple of years you are still young, I don’t think you should plan you baby for next year you never know what happens, who are you talking to why are you on you cellphone…
All these comments are driving me insane When I get home everything is moved my cupboard are packet the way she wants them and all my ironing and house work is done. The problem is I am not ungrateful I just feel violated. My things are mine and not hers I know she might just want to help but sometimes it feels like she is trying to get under my skin.
My Fiancé and I also had a argument about all these things and as a result we haven’t spoken for about 2 days now. When she overheard me telling him he is spoilt she freaked out and started screaming at me while we were having a private conversation.
How do I handle this as I am a emotional r at this moment please help!
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
I take it you live with her? What did you and FI fight about exactly?
1) move out
2) your FI needs to have your back and put her in her place and stop her from her comments
3) your, your daughter and FI’s relationships between you are none of her business. I would have FI do legal adoption papers (if that is what he wants to do) and nothing else will matter
4) your fi and you TOGETHER need to set boundaries while you are still with her. If it is HER house then you need to go elsewhere and respect her rules. If it is YOUR house and she is living with you guys, then YOU need to set boundaries on her and then give her 1 warning or she is OUT.
The longer you dont’ speak and FI is taking her side is the more power you give her.
YOU are showing her that you guys are unable to communicate, are too young and aren’t ready for marriage, which with what you have said so far and as a mom myself, I would have to agree with.
Post # 3
your fi needs to step up. if i told my fi one tenth of those comments, he would have immediately gone and had a discussion with his mother to let her know that a) those are extremely personal questions that aren’t her business b) he LOVES your daughter and considers her to be his child and that the two of you together will decide her upbringing etc and c) that she needs to show you more respect.
her behaviour is totally unacceptable. does she not consider your daughter to be her grandchild? that needs to be dealt with – i would be extremely unhappy if my mil didn’t truly accept my child. (not a mother – speaking hypothetically!)
boundaries like that need to come from him. he needs to tell her that she is being disrespectful and that personal details like that aren’t her business. if you choose to share, great. if not, none of her business.
Post # 4
FutureMrsLandi: Is this your house (you pay all the bills) or is it jointly owned between you and your FI?
Post # 5
getting engaged is like MTV’s “Real World” -when people stop being polite and start getting real!
Post # 6
nikkiibee: peonyinlove: This is our house. She only came to visit. Thanks for the advice will try that.
Post # 7
peonyinlove: absolutely. This needs to be dealt with swiftly and severely. There’s no way FI should allow anyone to speak to you like this.
To be honest, you don’t have an MIL problem, you have an FI problem. You get that sorted out, and you’ll be OK.
Post # 8
Many MIL problems are actually hubby/fiance problems . Some men have a hard time standing up to their mothers. Most mothers experience a sense of loss and sadness when their sons marry. Those feelings come out in being nosy and otherwise inappropriate.
If you think that your fiance is spoiled, it is likely that he is a mama’s boy and likely a little afraid of his mother. He needs to set boundaries with his mother and realize that you come first. Every couple has to redefine boundaries around each family when they get married. If someone is enmeshed with his/her parent(s), this separation can be difficult and it won’t happen overnight.
Also, refusing to speak to each other after an argument is a sign of bad communication. Nothing is gained from the silent treatment. The two of you need to learn to talk about your issues.