Post # 1
This is my very first post.
I am having so many issues with my engagement and I am so stressed out. I wanted to see if anyone could offer me some advise.
Basically, I am the bride and my parents are unable to pay for the wedding as they have not saved up for something like this for me. It is fine and I accept it. I would be more than hapy to pay for it myself but my fiance says that his parents can pay for it….
the thing is, everytime his mom meets my mom she makes her feel so small because they are paying and because the bride’s family should be paying etc… when I tell my fiance about this he says that we were not there when they discussed things so we shouldn’t get involved….
my mom has asked them a few times what it’s going to cost per guest and each time she asks the price goes up… we are having a kosher wedding and kosher catering is so expensive. when she asks them how much it is they say it’s more than double what it really is. I have called the caterer myself and pretended to be someone else and asked what she charges and it’s half of what they told my mom! i don’t understand why they are making her life so hard and why everything has to be about money!!!
the reason that fiance is not on my side is because he sees his parents being nothing but super nice to me whenever we are together so he can’t believe everything my mom says his mom is saying.
Next weekend i was planning on speaking to his parents and just asking them what they think the cost per head will be and if they mind if I have a quick look through the receipts but i am worried that this is going to cause a massive fight and i can’t speak to my fiance about it before as he will say no and then I will never know how much it really is!! shall i just go for it and bite the bullet?
if they tell me the catering cost is double what I know it to be, how do i go about asking why it’s so much without making it look like I am accusing them of lying? I need to get my wording right and I don’t know if it’s a good idea to say I have called the caterer and I know how much it really is as that is calling them liars….
i just want this over with already. i think it’s so petty having all these stupid fights about money! it’s so ugly!
I would have loved it if my fiance and I just paid for the wedding ourselves but he says that we need to save to buy a house, his parents can pay for it etc ect but all of this at the expense of giving my mother a hard time!!!!!!!
I still have the guest list drama to go through…..
please advise 🙂
Post # 3
I really don’t know what to tell you. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s really rough that your FI’s parents are making your mother feel uncomfortable, but how can you be really sure that what they’re saying about the price isn’t true? Maybe there are factors that they’ve discussed with the caterer that you don’t know about. Also, is it really worth it to start arguing with them? What do you hope to accomplish by confronting them?
If I were you, I’d be more upset that I’m not planning my own wedding. They seem to have a great deal of control—to the point where you don’t even know what stuff costs. Are they making all the decisions? Are you ok with that?
Post # 4
If I felt my mother was being disrespected …I would tell my fiance we are paying for the wedding and then we would worry about saving for a house after the wedding.
Take some control of what is going on. And dont let your mother be treated like that!
Post # 5
Wow, there is “wrong” all over this.
First, it would be dreadfully inappropriate for you to ask to see receipts. DO NOT do that.
Second, you should be paying for your own wedding, period. If you are adult enough to get married, then why are you letting his parents pay your way? If his parents are even slightly holding it over your head…or your mother’s… that is not going to end once the wedding is over.
Third, your Fiance needs to take this seriously, and make an effort to get to the bottom of it. Is he always wishy-washy when it comes to his parents? If he is, I fear you may be up for a lifetime of issues.
If it were me, I would say thank you very much for the offer, but we will cut back on the guest list and pay for our own event. And if there are certain people that your parents (on both sides) “must” invite, then they should pay for those people.
Post # 6
I have thought about all these things already. with regards to not knowing what the full costs are, I have enquired with the caterer already and I have asked her if the costs she has quoted me include absolutely everything and she said that it does and there are no extra costs… this means that what my mom has been told is double what the caterer told me.
the thing is that my mom wants to pay for her guests but we need to know the proper costs.
i have spoken to my fiance many MANY times about us paying for the wedding but we are just not on the same wave length when it comes to this. i just don’t know what I should do… i no his mom is lying because she organised her daughters wedding in the centre of town in a very posh hotel and told my mom what the cost per head was for that. Now we are planning on having a much more modest wedding and she has told my mom that the cost per head will be the same!! how can it be?? i know i need to get involved now before it’s too late i just don’t know how to confront the in laws without it leading into a big fight….. i have had so many fights about this with fiance already…..
Post # 7
oh, they are not making all the decisions. my fiance and I have chosen the venue/band/photographer etc so it’s been our decision but the in-laws are paying and when my mom wants to know how much it is, they have been exaggerating the prices… this is the problem. i want to know how much everything is costing as I know my mom can’t afford what they’re saying it costs….
any advise on how i can confront them on this issue besides offending them by asking to see receipts? im not sure how else to find out?
Post # 8
My suggestion is to have a serious heart to hear/come to Jesus meeting with your Fiance. It sounds to me like he’s bossing you around and telling you how it’s going to be. There are two people in your relationship. Two equal parts, which means two people with two opinions, both of which have the right to voice their opinions.
Once you guys get on the same page, I say pay for your wedding yourself. Once you accept money from other people you accept their strings (no matter how crappy and mean they may be). You can still have a wedding and save for a house. Yes it may take a little more time and yes the wedding may not be as extravagant as you (or really your Fiance since he seems to be the one against paying) want, but that won’t make it any less perfect and special will it?
Post # 9
Also, if your Mother-In-Law will not give you the correct price (and do not ask for receipts, as it is their money and they don’t really have to share anything abouot their financial situation with anyone) and you guys are still dead set on them paying for the wedding, just tell your mom what the cater told you and she can pay that price per head. If you Mother-In-Law asks why it isn’t the other amount, tell her the caterer told you what the amount was so you went by that.
Post # 10
If she says it’s double what it is, I would just simply say “oh when I was doing my research other caterers seemed to be much less expensive, maybe we can look around to find one that’s less expensive, how much of a deposit do you have and will you lose it if we go somewhere else?” If they say they’ll lose the deposit just say “Well we’ll still end up ahead if we lose the deposit because the other caterers are so much cheaper!” Then it will look like you’re just being a good daughter in law by being concerned about the money. You can say “Let’s take a look at the receipts so we can see where we can save some money” and it should work out. She will probably be too embarrassed about being called out on it though so she’ll probably just say “oh no honey, don’t you worry your pretty little head about it, we’re taking care of it”
Post # 11
thanks shaydenise…. i totally totally agree with you but anytime i speak to him about paying for it ourselves he gets so upset!!!! i think i will need to just speak to him again – you are right.
Post # 12
So, in reality, the FIL’s are only paying for their guests and your Mom is paying for hers? How are they really ‘paying for the wedding’ if the sides are being split?
Catering costs have really gone up, so even if she had a posh event before (don’t know when it was either), the current costs can be the same. It’s unfortunately the nature of the beast in wedding world.
Do you have a decent relationship with them? If you do, I can’t see why she’s exaggerating or being secretive about it. She sounds resentful about doing any of it, to tell the truth.
I really don’t understand why there’s a need to know if they’re covering it all, tho.
Post # 13
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. My fiance and I are in a similar situation, except we’re paying for everything on our own. My Future Mother-In-Law has been known to be not the nicest person to me lately, and last week made a snide remark about how the bride’s parents should be paying for this and that right in front of me (among many other rude/hurtful things). I would understand her position a little bit better if we were asking HER to pay for some things….but we’re not. Her remarks last week were extremely hurtful to me and were so rude that my poor fiance actually said to me, “If you want to back out now, I will completely understand.” So silly.
My fiance actually had a discussion with her the next day (once we all had a chance to cool off a bit) and told her that her remarks were completely inappopriate and that they would never be having that discussion again. We are having a small/intimate wedding and paying for it all on our own so that it won’t be a burden on anyone (ourselves included). The fact that he stood up for me and put her in her place (in a kind way) really put me at ease.
Would your fiance be willing to talk to his mother and set some ground rules for what is acceptable and what is not? Weddings should be times of joy…not of stress. Your fiance’s mom is going to be a part of your lives for a very long time. You need to set boundaries with what is acceptable and what is not now, or else it will just get worse.
Sorry for the novel 😉 Best of luck to you!
Post # 14
because my mom wants to pay for her guests and if she doesnt pay for her guests they will probably tell her that she cannot have any. what they say to my face (very nice) and what they say to my mom are always 2 very different things.
i do have a good relationship with them but i don’t know if it will cause issues if I ask. I wanted to say “i was wondering what the cost per head is likely to be as i have started thinking about our guestlist….and then ask them if they mind if I have a peek at the numbers of what they have paid so far? is that too rude?
they are paying for their own guests and for mine and fiances friends but my mom wants to pay for our side of the family so she needs to know the true costs…
Post # 15
Can it be that when you are asking for the “cost per head”, you in-laws are also factoring in the price for the venue/DJ/Flowers…etc? Since they are paying for those things too, this could account for the extra cost they are quoting. “Cost per plate” is much different than “cost per head”.
Post # 16
I don’t have anything to add beyond what has already been said. I would be terrified of having these things held over your head.
I know something I need to work on is learning how to accept charity. My FI’s parents have offered to pay for our entire wedding. We are not allowing them to pay for anything. He and I are on the same page about this. If they want to give us a financial gift later on, that is fine. However, I am not accepting anything with strings attached.
If you two personally cannot afford it, then you shouldnt do it. If they want to GIVE you a financial gift, then they should just GIFT you the $$ and let you manage the organizing of the event.
As Menobride stated above, you are signing yourself up for a lifetime of conflict.