Difficult Parents – on both sides / cancel wedding?

posted 8 months ago in South East Asian
Post # 2
Member
6583 posts
Bee Keeper

There’s obviously some cultural issues at play here, but honestly she sounds awful. You will have to set boundaries eventually. If you cancel the wedding are all your problems going to go away? No. But you can elope or pay for your own small wedding your way and keep your mom out of it. Are you going to let her railroad all decisions for the rest of your life? How bad is she going to be with grandkids? 

I agree that it’s your battle and your fi shouldn’t say anything. YOU need to stand up to her and YOU need to set healthy boundaries. Have you ever been to therapy? Maybe a therapist with Indian/south Asian family experience would be helpful for you.

Post # 3
Member
7000 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I honeslty couldn’t even make it through the whole thing. After the first couple of paragraphs I basically concluded that you need to host and pay for your own wedding. The second you invite other people (aka parents) to pay or host any parts of it you open yourself up to their opinions. 

Post # 6
Member
923 posts
Busy bee

Gurl… I’m 2nd gen Asian Indian (parents immigrated in the 60s) *and* a psychologist. Take it from me: sometimes, you have be “disrespectful” if you’re going to live your life. My dad wanted to arrange my first marriage. Nope. My parents were deadset against my divorce. Thanks, but it’s my choice. I moved in with now-DH back when we weren’t even considering marriage…well, by then, my parents realized I was going to live my life how I saw fit. Now, I’m happily married to my second husband, and I still hear from my dad every now and again that I should’ve stayed with my first husband – whatever. I let him talk and go about my business. 

If you want to elope, elope. Set your own boundaries. Be your own person. Culture isn’t a reason to put up with cruel or abusive behavior from family. 

Post # 7
Member
363 posts
Helper bee

Your mom is having anxiety about ‘losing’ you to your H. She is trying to control your life because she is losing control of her own life and she is trying to “buy” your loyalty. I come from similar culture. Asian parents (moms) dedicate 110% of their lives to their children and nothing else (its not their fault, its cultural, its all they know), and they need to feel important and needed. They bend over backwards for their kids and feel increasingly lost without that purpose. 

Post # 8
Member
3273 posts
Sugar bee

Your mom enjoys controlling and insulting you. Please read the books Toxic Parents and Nice Girl Syndrome.

Post # 9
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

I’m not one to disrespect one’s mother…she sounds quite difficult. It sounds as though the families are using your wedding as a reason to compete with one another. I’m sorry, Bee. This is supposed to be a happy time. If it were me, I would go somewhere romantic and elope with my fiancé, if he were OK with that. Regardless of tradition, ultimately, this about you and him—not your families. If his family is still inclined, they could always throw you a celebration of marriage at a later date. Eloping may be the first step in demonstrating to both families that you’re putting an end to their control over your lives. 

Post # 10
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I know there are some cultural issues at play, but your mother sounds like a narcissist. It seems more severe than just overbearing parenting. Get thee to Google and read up on narcissistic mothers. It may be eye-opening. And it can help elevate some of the guilt from not pleasing her.

Honestly, she’s been so cruel and disrespectful toward you and your fiance, that I think the best thing you can do is elope. You can’t have a successful marriage with your mother behaving the way she does freely. You need to establish boundaries and break away from her controlling nature. I know that is easier said than done, but therapy can help you accomplish that. Regardless, you and your fiance will need to be each others’ first priorities, and I have a feeling your mother will make that difficult.

Don’t tolerate behavior that hurts you no matter why it’s happening. 

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