- 8 months ago
- Wedding: August 2019
This may be a longer post, and I sincerely apologize from the begining, and will aim to be as brief as possible, but appreciate everyone’s thoughtful insights. i’ll start by saying that I’m first generation Indian, and so definitely have a bit of the traditional “respect your parents” thing happening which makes it hard to just cut them out and I realize the wedding is really more for them than about the couple; and they’re paying. That being said, everything has crossed the line (in my biased opinion) and I’m ready to cancel. Also, I’ve always had a stressful and terrible relationship with my mother and the wedding is making it worse. So here goes:
Inlaws didn’t want an engagement party because i already “had the ring.” so my parents decided to host and pay for both the wedding and engagement party. The inlaws are a different religion and decided to host their own ceremony and reception at their hometown. She told me to hold their ceremony hostage and to refuse to participate until they came to her ceremony. I was too shocked at that one. FH and I aren’t religious and we’re just trying to respect both religions right now.
Since she’s paying for it, my mom isn’t asking for my opinion on anything and contacted vendors and the venue by herself less than a week after I got engaged. I didn’t know this was going on until she set the wedding date because she “couldn’t work around our dates.” Fine. I can move past that. But then she gets mad that she’s doing all the work and that I’m treating her like a slave and using her for the money. So i try to stay calm and tell her that she hasn’t involved me and I don’t know how to help her if she doesn’t communicate. So then I ask how I can help and tell her to keep the wedding simple since weddings are expensive. To this, she tells me not to worry and just enjoy the moment. I offered what little money FH and I do have and she turned it down. So I tried to take some initiative and search for wedding makeup and photographer and showed my research and she said she already did all that. So then I laid low for a few days just busy with work. To this, she called me a ungrateful child cold hearted child and to remember that no one is coming to the wedding because they like me and they are coming because they like her and then proceeded to make me list out people who actually like me.
At the moment, she booked the venue, but i don’t know where. She created the save the date but won’t show me; booked the DJ and planned the reception program and told me who could and could not be involved in the program (i.e., your music teacher can’t play a piece because I don’t want it) and baiscally she said she and her friends have dances planned and to just let her do her thing; picked the wedding cake and design, but I have no idea what it is and asking questions about it leads to constant threats of cancelling the wedding. I really want to right now.
SInce I’ve been so cut out, my FH also didn’t know how to offer help to her directly. So she constantly texts or calls about how he’s cheap and that he doesn’t really love me and that I need to “train him” better to obey me. Then she’ll say that her spending all the money is worth it if he acts grateful and realizes that his marriage to me is all possible because of her. Again. this left me stunned and I told her that I can appreciate her concerns for my welfare but I know the relationship I have with my FH and wasn’t asking for advice. She also said that I shouldn’t let his sister call him without me around because otherwise his sister would have the ability to poison his mind against me.
At the engagement party, she constantly told me to shutup if I tried to talk about anything and would ask where I’m going and why if I left her sight to briefly chat with a friend in another room and that she wasn’t paying for all this so i could just do what I wanted and that she can cancel everything in a minute and that would teach me. FH and I thought about canceling a month ago but realized we would be shaming both families, but things just keep getting worse. His parents are no better but at least they dont constantly say or text horrible things to him. This just all feels like a dirty monetary transaction like my mom is trying to buy us as opposed to being involved in planning a wedding.
FH and I just wanted to be married and have a life together. We never focused on the actual wedding because we knew it wasn’t about us, but I’m tired of the constant verbal and emotional abuse. Save the dates have not been sent out yet though because I’ve held on to the contact list. Can I just cancel and opt for a peaceful future? I’ve broken down and cried so many times over the nasty things my mom has said and done over just a wedding and FH said if she keeps this up to me, he’ll say something because he doesn’t appreciate his FW being treated this way. But i think this is my battle.