Post # 1
So SO and I got engaged in 09/12 after 3 years of living together, and having a daughter. The entire planning process was a nightmare. I don’t get along with this mom, which added to the stress. But everything came together nicely and was set for 10/26/2013.
Fast forward to 4 weeks before the wedding. Everything has been finalized. FI and I were fighting like crazy. He had some big issues, I had some big issues. He left me and called off the wedding. Took my ring, returned the wedding bands, moved his stuff out and moved in with his friend. Needless to say I was devastated and embarassed.
He was great about custody with our daughter. We never needed to go to court, and he always paid what he was supposed to on time, and never missed on time with her. He is and always has been an amazing father. We both worked on our issues, and slowly started spending time together again. Then, right before Thanksgiving, he asked if he could come home. I told him I wanted that too, but he needed to realize how much he devastated me and how much MONEY was lost on waiting until less than 30 days before our wedding to call it off. He said he knew what he had done, he felt so guilty. But with all the things that needed fixing, he just didn’t want to get married and then have everything blow up in our faces and end up in divorce.
Looking back, it was a wise decision and I am really glad we didn’t get married then. But he has been home since November, and things have been amazing. We both made major changes and they have stuck. We also go to counseling now.
The subject of marriage has come up again. He feels like he’s ready. I was ready 2 years ago lol. We have talked about getting married at some point this year, but we aren’t sure how to go about it. We don’t want to just go to the courthouse and do it. But we feel like after everything that’s happened, it would be silly and ridiculous to have a full blown wedding. Who would come!? No once is going to chance that again! LOL!
So what do we do? Should we just suck it up and just go to the courthouse? Or is there some way we can make it special without actually having it feel like a fancy big wedding?
Post # 3
I would go to the courthouse and get married and maybe have a big BBQ for family to celebrate with you. That’s my suggestion. Good luck!
Post # 4
Have you thought of maybe pulling off a small surprise wedding? Or planning a small outdoor wedding at a park with just punch and cupcakes or something there? Personally, I would see what the counselor recommends for a timeline and would consider waiting a wee bit longer just to be sure everything in your relationship is what you both need for it to be.
Post # 5
Honestly, I think that you should really spend some time together and work out the kinks before jumping into marriage. I know that you think you are ready for marriage, bu he obviously isn’t. Calling off a wedding is a big deal, adn I don’t think a couple months is enough time to truly be over that
Post # 6
@Young.love: Step 1: Premarital counselling. Just because it’s great now doesn’t necessarily that you won’t hit a bad patch again, and he needs to know better than to run away from the problem when that happens. Hopefully he got that out of his system, but I still think premarital counselling is a good idea for everyone.
As for having a special wedding, why not have a close friend or family member get ordained online? Then have a potluck reception in a park or someone’s backyard. It’s low-key and low-cost, but more involved than a courthouse wedding.
Post # 7
Congratulations on working through a big problem in your relationship. Counselling was an excellent idea.
You have several choices for a wedding:
You could go away for a couple of days to a nice holiday house (maybe somewhere with a view) with a couple of friends and your child, have a caterer cook a dinner party for your reception, and have a celebrant marry you.
You could have something small in a local garden, with just your closest friends/ family, followed by a reception in a nearby cafe / restaurant.
You could throw a party, and surprise everyone with it actually being your wedding.
Whatever you do, still enjoy the special parts: choosing your dress, having some flowers, sharing with those who are really close to you.
Post # 8
Can you plan a getaway for just the two of you and get married while you are on vacation? That would make it a little more special.
Post # 9
Why don’t you and your daughter go to Hawaii (or somewhere) and just get married all together on the beach somewhere? You could invite close family if you wanted, you could wear a wedding dress if you wanted, but its not a courthouse wedding.
Post # 10
@Young.love: You can elope somewhere or just have a small ceremony and a beautiful location – it doesn’t have to be at the court house.
Perhaps just you two and your daughter? Or a few close friends and family.
Vegas? Cruise Ship? A mountain top? Anywhere really
Post # 11
First of all, congrats on starting to work through so many issues. It’s really commendable. It’s nice to hear that you have both made some improvements and worked on some self-love!
Second, what is it that you want out of a wedding? Do you want something small? Big? Far away? Close to home? Do you want your daughter to be very involved? It might help to know some of what you want now that we know what you don’t want!
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2014 - Beach
What do you want? If having a wedding is what you want then you should do it no matter what people say just invite family & close friends and have a simple wedding. If you dont want a wedding at all just go to the courthouse and have dinner afterwards with friends and family 🙂
Post # 13
@Young.love: Maybe you can do just a small ceremony..or go to the courthouse and then just have a dinner/bbq/celebration afterwards?
Post # 14
Thanks for the great suggestions everyone!!
We are currently in counseling and I truly believe this is what saved us. We have never communicated so well in our entire relationship.
Take last night, for instance…We had a bit of a spat over something really inconsequential. We went to bed without resolving it, unfortunately. The old us would have carried those feelings over to the next day and been cold to each other until one of us finally caved and apologize. Instead, we forgot about it because it was so trivial, and we carried on like nothing happened. Kisses and all.
I think what it boils down to is that I am worried about what others will think. I know that seems ridiculous. I was thinking we could do a BBQ style get-together of some kind. I still have my wedding dress and everything so I would definitely want to rock it! I was thinking of sending some cheapy invitations out to a handful of very close friends and family that say something like “Here we go again:Wedding, take 2!” and explain that we couldn’t imagine having this moment without them and would love for them to join us.
That seems casual enough, no?
Post # 15
Ehhh.. I’d wait. Like others have said, canceling a wedding is kind of huge (but I don’t mean to say that pple should just go ahead and get married if they feel like they shouldn’t, no matter how close the wedding is). I mean, it’s not like he left you at the altar, but at the same time, I feel like its recent enough that pple will remember it. I say give it a year–at least.
Post # 16
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@Young.love: I would wait a year and make sure everything sticks. My dad got back together with my mom and things were great for a few months then he started to slack off and they ultimately ended up divorced. I think a year is just long enough to make sure everyone is serious about making the necessary changes but not too long that he feels you don’t appreciate the accomplishments he has made so far. Just my two cents.
If everything goes well over the next year, everyone will see how things have changed and that you’re really committed to one another. Then friends and family will be more supportive of planning another wedding and you can celebrate without worrying about what everyone thinks about the previously cancelled wedding.