(Closed) Difficulty with my Parents

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3284 posts
Sugar bee

Do you mind expanding a bit on your respective living situations/history (e.g. home, with roommates, on campus, off campus, alone, etc.)?

Post # 4
Member
1309 posts
Bumble bee

Do they like your FI? Maybe this is their way of saying they don’t think he’s right for you.

Post # 6
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You can’t make someone be excited for you. If they feel like you’re moving too fast or not ready for marriage, the best way to win their approval is to prove otherwise. Move out, support yourself as a couple, and don’t rely on your parents for financial support. When they see you living independently, they will begin to be more accepting of your relationship.

Post # 7
Member
9846 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I hate to sound like an old fuddy duddy (especially when  only a few years older than you) but I can see where your parents are coming from. You’ve only been dating a year in which your Fiance was gone for several months of that time in the military. It also seems like you havent lived together yet and live. I couldn’t tell from your PP if your entire relationship is LD or not. 

I think it’s super exciting that you are engaged! If you love each other and want to be with one another then that is great. Personally, entirely in my own opinion, I think maybe you should consider a longer engagement. Not only would it put your parents mind at ease but it would give you a chance to live with your Fiance for a bit and make sure that is something that will work for you. I got from your post you don’t really understand why you should have to date for a longer amount of time before getting married. I think the point your parents were trying to make is that dating one year vs four years can change your relationship entirely. One year is really still the honeymoon phase and if you’ve spent a chunk of that year apart then you are even more susceptible to this. You have all the time in the world, bee! I know it’s exciting to be in love but take some time to enjoy being engaged before you throw yourself into wedding planning.

Post # 8
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Hey there,

Personally, I feel that every couple is different and that if you guys are both ready and want to get married then by all means you should! I am also in the military and it sounded like you already handled a short deployment and know what you’re getting into. But it’ll always be hard and a unique lifestyle. 

Your parents may not be overjoyed but in the end, I am sure they will be happy for you on your wedding day. I read your previous post about getting secretly married and my fiance and I considered that too before he proposed. I understand that there are many benefits for doing so but it’s a tough secret and it could really hurt them. They already know you guys are engaged, just stick to it and be happy and they’ll come around. 

Best of luck Bee <3

Post # 9
Member
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

My husband is Navy so I understand the whole military stuff.  Do you know that people in the military get benefits from getting married?  A slight increase in pay (extra dependent) and they don’t have to live in the barracks anymore.  I’m not saying that is where you boyfriend is coming from but it *might* be where he is coming from.  There are many marriages in the military that have worked, sure.  For example my in laws got married right before my father in law joined the Navy.  They had known each other through college and got married at age 22.  However it seems these days a lot of military guys get married for the benefits instead of looking at the full picture.  The fact that he was away on a deployment for what sounds like about 25% of your relationship tells me that is probably why your parents are apprehensive.

I would honestly listen to what your parents have to say.  Maybe find a compromise by pushing the wedding back a bit more so you can spend more time with him and get to know him…and also so THEY can get to know him and recognize that he is a good dude.

Post # 10
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

julietlovely100:  You’ve been dating for over a year, right? How long have you guys lived in different states?

Post # 12
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Well…I think that from your parents’ perspective, you’re not quite independent enough if you still live in their house (which I’m not knocking–I did that too after college for the same reason you’re doing it). I mean, I think that it IS different to be fully financially independent and to have full responsibility for your expenses and that’s probably a transition they want you to make on your own, rather than in a marriage, because it’s usually a much harder transition with two people. At the risk of sounding condescending, their view may be that you’re not ready for marriage if you haven’t really been living on your own yet. 

Post # 13
Member
3284 posts
Sugar bee

julietlovely100:  Since I don’t know the two of you, I can’t say whether or not you are both ready for marriage. But I will tell you that I know VERY few highly educated women that got married before 27 that stayed married. People grow so much between 24 and 27. What they thought was important at 24 ended up being vastly different than what they wanted at 27.  

It is so important to live alone (by yourself, completely independent of anyone’s financial help) for at least a year before you get married. Everyone should have that experience. 

So, my recommendation would be to have a long engagement. 

Post # 14
Member
3381 posts
Sugar bee

ljm308:  My husband and his first wife literally got married for that same reason. At the time, they thought it was love, but looking back on it, it was driven by getting more benefits and moving out of barracks. Hence, I am now wife #2.

Post # 15
Member
543 posts
Busy bee

In my opinion, I don’t think it would hurt for you and your SO to have a longer engagement so that you both can grow individually. 24 is still young, and your brains are still developing. In the meantime, I think it’ll be great for you to gain some financial independence from your parents and have the experience of living by yourself before you get married or move in with your SO. Like you said, you think he’s the one, right? So what’s the rush? Is there another reason you haven’t shared with us? If not, I think it would not be a terribly bad thing to have a longer engagement. 

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