Post # 1
Please be gentle with me on this.
Background: I have been dating my SO for 6 years, he is not yet ready to make plans to move in together/get engaged. I still enjoy spending time with him immensely and he is a kind, funny, honest person
Two months ago a person started working at my company who is from my original country. He has asked me to lunch (in the office lunch space) once or twice a week. I really like him, the fact that we have a common language and culture, and am getting romantic feelings that grow into more with every ‘date’. I have told my boyfriend about this guy and they met at our company party, but I just introduced each by name so the office guy doesn’t know details.
Would this person spend so much time with me just as a friend? He hasn’t made any moves or remarks or invited me to a proper date, but I am getting the vibe that he is interested.
In any case….my dilemma is that I am getting feelings for this person and it feels disloyal and confusing in regards to my SO. Should I politely decline the next lunch invite?
Post # 2
Well, of course you should decline. If you’re having romantic feelings for him, that suggests that there are some problems in your relationship that require attention. Direct your energy toward those problems and not this new person.
Now, I’m not one to say that we can’t be in a relationship that isn’t working and meet someone outside of the relationship with whom we could create something much better–BUT. If you’ve been with your boyfriend for 6 years, the likelihood of you being emotionally available to truly and properly open yourself to a new man is damn slim. So, really, even if you and your boyfriend no longer work well together, you probably can’t just break it off with him and start up something new with this guy. So break up with your boyfriend if you need to, but then take some time to be single and figure out where your life is going before dating again.
It also sounds like you’re missing home and the familiarity of culture. There are other ways to satiate your need for people from your culture than by emotionally cheating (which you ARE doing) on your boyfriend. I’d suggest you look into those options and steer clear of this new work “friend.”
Post # 3
DeniseSecunda : wouldn’t emotionally cheating imply that my conversations with this person were romantic? Just chatting with him at friend level while having feelings but not letting him know about them isn’t ok?
Post # 4
Yes, it is very possible this person just sees you as a friend, these “dates” are just passing a work lunch hour.
I have no problem with people having opposite sex friends, work or otherwise, but if you have started developing feelings then you need to separate yourself from the situation.
Post # 5
If after six years he isn’t ready to move forward in your relationship… he may never be. What do you want? Do you want to move forward with him? Or was this relationship just a place holder for each of you. Meaning that with other people you could both want to move forward but you don’t feel the need to do that with each other. Which is fine. I have friends who were never getting married or never wanted kids and then bam something about this certain guy, they want kids.
I think he would spend this much time with you as a friend. You two have a lot in common and as he is not making moves or remarks it seems he is a respectable man who knows you have a boyfriend and is respecting the boundaries of your friendship. He could be interested but is respecting you, your relationship and joint work environment. Or he could see you only as a friend.
You are developing feelings for him. In order to figure out what to do you need to figure out what you want.
Where is you and current boyfriends relationship going? Will he ever be ready to commit? Is he the person you want to commit to? If current boyfriend proposed to you tomorrow what would you say? Would you think of this new guy if boyfriend proposed? Is the relationship with new guy something that you need to pursue?
There’s this saying, if you were truly in love with the first guy you never would have fallen for the second. Rings true for me!
Post # 6
You know you have feeling for this other man that go beyond just friendship yet you continue to have lunch with him and wonder if he has feelings for you too, to me that definitely counts as emotional cheating.
You should decline the next lunch invite and start thinking about your current relationship to figure out if it’s really making you happy.
Post # 7
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Of course you should decline. Your emotionally cheating on your boyfriend. And when you introduced the two the your boyfriend wasn’t even introduced as your boyfriend. So you clearly want to hide that from the “office guy”. So because you are doing this you have to dig deep and find out why. There is something that isn’t clicking in your relationship with your boyfriend. Now let me ask you this. Would it be o.k for you if your boyfriend was doing this? Because what your doing isn’t right at all. Your going to end up hurting your boyfriend (your have already told us you have romantic feeling for “office guy”) and leading this guy on. Figure it out before it gets real bad. And when you say you told your boyfriend about this guy…How much have you told him?
Post # 8
keviah12 : I told him that there is a guy from my original country at work who has been asking me to lunch every week and might be interested in me romantically….I didn’t say anything about my own feelings
Post # 9
I have a lot of questions.
1) Having feelings for someone else could mean there are problems in your current relationship. Have you done some soul-searching to figure out what that is?
2) Are you interested in further commitment from your bf? That could mean moving in together, engagement, or just a discussion where he gives a clear answer about his intentions for your future. Given the “lunch friend” situation, you may need to push him by letting him know you’re unhappy with the relationship as it is.
3) Why exactly is your bf “not ready” after 6 years? Is he in school? Is he at the beginning of a new lease? I think you should explore what “ready” means to him and don’t allow him to make excuses. If he says he’s not ready but can’t explain why, that’s a RED FLAG and I would totally see why this makes you unhappy.
I’d recommend no more lunch with lunch guy until you have a clear answer to all 3 questions above.
Post # 10
Does this work friend have a girlfriend? Wife? Children? Do you speak about personal things? Or is it strictly platonic? Have you ever had any male friends?
Your bf isn’t ready to move things forward at this point but are you ready? Prior posts made it seem like you’re not ready either. It’s really telling that your first poll option is ‘keep having lunches and see where things go’. That’s the first thing that came to your mind.
Post # 11
lifeisbeeutiful : He is single as far as I know…we speak about personal things like families, but nothing in the romantic realm. The only platonic male friends I have had were gay.
Post # 12
Wth. Stop having lunch with another male that your developing feelings for while your with someone already! How would you feel about your SO having lunch once or twice a week with another female?! How would YOU answer your poll?!
This is common sense!
Post # 13
Soon2BMrsFredericks : I would be ok with it as long as they weren’t romantically involved
Post # 14
Separate yourself from this person & deal with your relationship properly. Or break up with your SO and pursue work guy. Its time to woman up and make a decision.
You’re pussyfooting around the truth here…..you are subconciously prepping for an affair. It shows in the fact that you’re being selective in telling work guy about who your SO is. You won’t discuss your feelings with your SO about this guy and apparently everything else. You’re giving the bees excuses as to why this is so innocent and nothing is happening….as if things can’t escalate later.
Sorry bee. I don’t peg you for an idiot. Y ou’re a grown woman with wants and needs. You know exactly what you need to do. You shouldn’t need internet strangers to tell you the right thing to do. Stop trying to blow up your life and resolve your relationship issues.
Post # 15
My advice is the opposite. You’re not married. You’re not engaged. After 6 years he’s not ready to have your relationship progress. 6 years! Now you find someone else that interests you. If you were so thrilled with your boyfriend this guy wouldn’t be so interesting. I think you’re getting tired of your boyfriend and that it’s time to explore something new.
But in the dating world I was always out for myself first. Damn glad i was.