Post # 1
Longtime lurker, first time poster here with a problem. I’ve been seeing a great guy for the past 5 months. We’ve been friends for 10+ years and we are both in our mid-late twenties.
The problem…we’ve been having unprotected sex since a few days before we became official. It just happened on a weekend away. We both wanted to do it. I asked if he had a condom, he said he wasn’t planning on it happening, so no. Long story short, we proceeded without one. I was on the pill at the time. Ever since that night we’ve always done it unprotected. I’m no longer on the pill, but he does pull out.
My issue with all of this is that neither of us got tested before doing it unprotected. I’m a very paranoid person and always worry about STD’s. It bothers me that 1.He never asked if I’ve been tested and 2. He did it with me unprotected so easily.
I actually brought up the conversation of being tested a month or so after we got together and told him that I was tested several years ago (I just got out of a 6 year relationship) and he said that when he goes to the dr he gets “checked for everything” (not sure exactly what that entailed), but he hasn’t been in a couple years. I also told him about how I was sexually assaulted (involved brief unprotected sex) and that still didn’t prompt him to ask if I had been tested (I told him this before I told him I had been tested). He told me that he’s only been with 3 other people unprotected besides me and they were long term girlfriends. He’s had quite a few other partners though, all protected. He did have a condom break on one occasion though.
What bothers me is that he didn’t ask if I’ve ever been tested before and he was so quick to have unprotected sex with me when we weren’t even official. It just makes me feel like he’s sexually irresponsible or something. When I asked him why he did it with me unprotected like that he told me because he knew we would be long term. I don’t know if the fact that we’ve known each other for a very long time and that I just got out of a long relationship has anything to do with him not asking, but it bothers the crap out of me.
Would this be a deal breaker for you? Everything else is amazing, he’s not financially irresponsible or anything, loves his job and works tons of overtime so not some deadbeat. He’s truly an amazing guy and has stuck by my side through my trust issues stemming from previous relationships and he even took care of me when I got surgery a month into our relationship. I don’t want to break up with him over this but it really bugs me.
Also, I would like to suggest getting tested together just to put my mind at ease, but we live in a rural area with barely any options. I am going to bring it up to him soon.
Post # 2
Well it takes 6 months for HIV to show up in your system. If I were you I would get tested next month.
As far as judging him for having unprotected sex with you… well you did it too.
Post # 3
I don’t understand your dilemma. You ALSO had unprotected sex with him so you judging him for having unprotected sex with you sounds pretty hypocritical. Small town or not, go get tested. Both of you. And if you’re really that concerned, use a condom from now on. But this is hardly a dealbreaker…
Post # 4
Well, it takes two to.. well have sex. So it’s not JUST his fault for having sex with you so easily. The boat floats both ways on that. Just as much of your responsibility as his.
As for testing, i suggest you both get it done before you continue having sex. Sure you live in a rural areas, but there are ALWAYS options. Check your local hospital, insurance to see if you can see a doc around your area, check the Planned Parenthood website to see if there is a place that is somewhat close. Google testing areas by you, I’m sure something will pop up.
Post # 5
- Wedding: May 2016 - San Clemente Church, Italy
He may have been thinking the same thoughts about you. He didn’t have all of these months of unprotected sex ALONE. So how can you judge him as irresponsible when you were doing the exact same thing? Arguably, even more so because you voiced your concerns about it, but continued having unprotected sex despite those concerns.
Not trying to be rude or judge at all, but you asked and I wanted you to consider the issue from his perspective too.
Post # 6
pinkarmadillo: I also don’t get your point. You can’t critize him for being quick to have unprotected sex with you, not asking about your sexual health history etc because YOU DID ALL THOSE THINGS TOO!!!!
Post # 7
How can you judge him for not pressing for protection or testing when you literally did the same thing??? Takes two to tango/f*ck. Repeatedly. Unprotected.
Instead of trying to test and bait him to see if he’ll ask you to get tested how about YOU speak up on this and say you should both get a round of testing for peace of mind?
Post # 8
It doesn’t seem fair to judge him for having unprotected sex with you when you had unprotected sex with him.
If you want to go get tested, then go get tested. You don’t need him to ask you to. If you would like him to go get tested, then ask him too instead of doing this roundabout hinting bullshit.
Also, I’m not at all surprised he didn’t ask if you got tested after you shared with him that you were sexually assaulted. He probably thought you were opening up and sharing a painful moment with him and that asking if you got tested after that would not have been an appropriate or sensitive response.
Post # 9
If this were a dealbreaker for me, I wouldn’t be married, my husband and I also had unprotected sex. I’m not saying it’s the smartest decision in the world though. What’s done is done and both of you decided to have unprotected sex, so you can’t just judge him. Get tested now to ease your mind. And use birth control or condoms if you don’t want to get pregnant, “pulling out” isn’t a very effective method to use unless you are comfortable with the idea that you might get pregnant.
Post # 10
GET TESTED AND USE CONDOMS. The pull out method is definitely not a reliable form of birth control! You owe it to yourselves to make sure you’re both healthy and baby-free if you’re not planning on having a kid.
Post # 11
I’m confused. If you told him before you had sex about the last time you had gotten tested, why would he need to ask you again? Didn’t you already have that conversation?
Post # 12
beebee1983: I think I was just a little bothered that he didn’t bring it up first
Post # 13
I think I’m mostly upset about the fact that he knew he didn’t have a condom and was going to do it anyway. We already had our clothes off when I asked if he had one.
Post # 14
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Why did you go off the pill if you’re having unprotected sex with a brand spanking new boyfriend??? No offense but YOU seem really sexually irresponsible.
You’re an adult, please have an adult conversation about these things with him. Just because you started off having unprotected sex doesn’t mean you’re trapped in that pattern forever. You really don’t want to end up with a STI or a kid because you were too embarrassed to address this responsibly.
Post # 15
pinkarmadillo: So you are upset that he didn’t ask if you had been tested, but wanted to have unprotected sex with you anyways? Um, you could have spoke up before you even had unprotected sex. And you can’t rely on him to always be prepared. Why weren’t you prepared?
Honestly, it sounds like you are trying to put all the blame on him when you were fully involved as well. You could have easily said no to having unprotected sex, but you didn’t. But now you are pissed becasue he didn’t ask if you were tested first. Yeah, no.