(Closed) Dilemma re: house guests after baby – how soon is appropriate? (LONG)

posted 6 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Ree723:  Just don’t tell her when the baby has been born. Wait two weeks, and tell her to come on down!   OR threaten to do that if she doesn’t agree to respect your wishes. I was just kidding about that, btw. But do threaten to do it if she doesn’t back off a little. Of course there is a tactful way to say these things, but as I am getting sleepy, my tactful examples are getting thin.

ETA: Maybe you should change your angle of presentation. Tell her that childbirth is hard work and you do not know what to expect. Tell her that you may not know whether a C section is necessary, and you’d like some time to heal in all ways before hosting a house guest. If you take the focus off of “bonding with the baby ALONE” she might be more apt to see things more reasonably. 

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

@Ree723:  Odd question, but what happened when you were born?  I’m just wondering if you would be able to gently remind your mom of her own experience.

Post # 5
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

I don’t have kids yet, but I think you are being very reasonable. I think you’ll just have to be firm and tell her you will not be welcoming any visitors until two weeks have passed. 

Post # 7
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Ree723:  There you go! Tell her she will do the most good to you by helping you learn the ropes AFTER Darling Husband goes back to work. Play up how important she will be then, and sell the idea that it’s important to you that she come then, when he isn’t there to help you out. You can “practice” him not being at home, but if you start to feel overwhelmed, she will conveniently be there to help. PLUS all that recovery stuff. Don’t forget that bit.

Post # 8
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Well, it sounds like you’ve already discussed it with her ….. so now you just have to TELL her that she needs to respect your decision and wait to book the flight until the baby’s birthday with a scheduled arrival date of 2ish weeks later.  It stinks, but it sounds like you might have to be firm with her to ensure that your own soon-to-be 3-person family is given some proper adjustment time.

Post # 9
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Ree723:  “DH and I are adamant that we have those first two weeks on our own with the baby before having anyone come to stay with us at our home.  We really want that time to bond with the baby, adjust to being parents, and time to celebrate our new little family unit.  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask for that time to get used to everything on our own. “

This is exactly how my dh and I think too. Don’t have house guests until YOU’RE ready, it’s completely your decision when you welcome people into your home. Don’t give up that family time before you’re ready or you might regret it later.

Post # 10
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m gonna play devils advocate, but this is based on my experience where my then-DH had to go back to work right away and my mom lived across the street; it was a blessing to have my mother there during the first few days home.  To be able to send her to the store when I needed something, to do the dishes, to hold the baby while I got a shower, etc.  I totally get that you want to spend time as a family unit, but the extra hands in those first few days are really helpful.  Maybe you could compromise and ask that she stay at a hotel for the first week or two?  That way she wouldn’t be over 24/7 but could still be around to help.  

Post # 12
Member
2142 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think if you are that adamant about having that alone time then you just need to tell her that and stand your ground.

Although it will be nice to have a few days just my husband and I before guests arrive we’re not that bent on it. We will have PLENTY of time after they leave to be with baby on our own. We’re really appreciating everyone wanting to be here and help us out. We’re going ot need it!

As it stands now my ILs are driving up about 2 days before my induction date also so they can be here for my birthday. ๐Ÿ™‚ My mom will be flying up a few days after my SIL delivers, whenever that is. She’s due next Friday.

Post # 13
Member
2299 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@Ree723:  That sounds exactly like my mother! Except that I don’t think my mother would try to be subtle about it. I’m due a month after you and would prefer my mom to come maybe a month or two after the birth so that I know how to do everything (less comments).

I would stand your ground. I think you’re being very reasonable:)

Post # 14
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, and obviously your mother’s heart is totally in the right place. She just needs to use her head as well! Remind her that your Darling Husband is going to have the first two weeks off work, and you’re not sure how long you’ll be in hospital for, so it would be easier and less stressful for everyone if she followed your lead. I don’t really understand why someone would want to be an unwelcome guest if they could just wait a week and be a very welcome and much-wanted guest. I think you have two items to threaten her with if she doesn’t follow your wishes – you could threaten her with staying in a hotel, or you could threaten her with not telling her when the baby is born to delay her arrival. You could also tell her your due date has changed to like 4 weeks after it really is? ๐Ÿ™‚

My Mother-In-Law lives in the same city as us and still offered to take a bunch of time off work to “help” so my Darling Husband didn’t have to take much time off work. But he gets 4 weeks paid leave and will take at least two of those off after the birth. We reminded Mother-In-Law that times have changed, Darling Husband has leave and is planning to be very involved so while her offer is appreciated it’s probably not necessary for right after the birth. I suspect possibly Father-In-Law wasn’t the most involved father and Mother-In-Law needed a lot of help when Darling Husband was born, which might be where this is coming from (apart from general excitement re first grandchild of course). A friend told me that she would have loved help about 6 weeks after the birth – the initial excited guests have stopped coming, bub is crying more, etc.

Good luck! It’s fun negotiating these new dynamics isn’t it ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 15
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Honestly having your mom there that soon tends to usurp your husband. When there are two women, dad’s play third wheel. You need the time for his bonding as well as yours. Sometimes you have to just say you can come this to this and stop the conversation. She will get over it!

Post # 16
Member
349 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

although we are no where near delivery, etc, we are in a similar situation…we live far away from our families, so my mom wants to fly out right before/after the birth and will spend a week with us (granted, that is different than 8-10 weeks!) At first, I was hesitant about it and was maybe thinking the trip should be delayed a few weeks at least. I talked with my husband about how I was feeling and asked how he felt about it, as I was worried that those first weeks should be spent just us and bonding with the baby. But he actually had the opposite reaction- he thought it would be great to have another pair of hands around the house, run errands, cook dinners, and just help if we need it. After thinking more about it, I actually think it will be great to have my mom around and have her help. But I do see where you are coming from, being that she is staying for that long…is there anyway she would be willing to come for a shorter time period? If not, definately talk to her about how you are feeling, I’m sure she will understand!

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