(Closed) DILs – I could use some advice please… (Very, Very Long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Being STANK is never acceptable. Whether isn’t coming from your son or his bride. That’s just RUDE… so sorry to hear that.

Post # 4
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m sorry, but I don’t really understand why you were cleaning the house when you were supposed to be at pictures? Did you call your son to get the car back? Couldn’t you call a cab? I mean it’s your son’s wedding and you aren’t the cleaning lady or the handyman, regardless of whether you thought it was your job. I’m sure she didn’t care whether her bathroom was clean, it was more important to see her new Mother-In-Law.

I’m sure you DIL has no idea what happened that day other than you didn’t show up for pictures and didn’t put effort into your appearance. I’d be pretty miffed if my Mother-In-Law showed up without makeup or whatnot. Maybe have them over for dinner and bring it up?

I have a very nice Mother-In-Law, but we don’t really talk. They just aren’t my parents and I’m not that close to them. I talk to my mom every single day for maybe an hour. She’s crazy, but it’s okay and I never get mad at her because she’s my mom! I just have never felt close to my Mother-In-Law or Father-In-Law and I’m not sure why or what I could do to fix that. I think most people have that relationship with their in laws.

Post # 5
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@r0ddysm0m:  That’s terrible.  What a mess of a time you had.  You think they’d be over you being late for pictures.  Shame on them!

Pink Magnolia-This was at her family’s home that they left a mess and broke the toilet seat.  I think where people were returning to.

Post # 6
Member
3520 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@PinkMagnolia:  I completely agree.  The bride probably has no clue what went on and is only concentrating on the fact that you weren’t there at the proper time.  That said, the only thing you could have done was to say that you wouldn’t be available to do everything that you were tasked to do because you’re in the wedding party too!

You might want to copy this thread and send it to your son.  In the meantime, I would stop texting and calling all the time.  They’re not going to listen to you if it seems like you’re being pushy.  Maybe they’ll come around faster if they miss you being around.

Part of my problem with my Future Mother-In-Law is that she’s very sweet and nice… about 99.5% of the time, as long as she gets her way.  When we hit a snag in the planning (her list of people to invite was about 16 people heavy), she became very passive aggressive, constantly calling, emailing, asking how everything is going… and to be honest, it just drove the wedge in deeper.  They are his parents, and I will always respect them as such, but I definitely see them a little differently now.

Post # 8
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Wait….I’m very confused right now. Your son is the one who went off and yelled at you, but the person you’ve been trying to contact is your DIL? Why aren’t you contacting your son? It sure sounds like he was every bit as upset as the bride, and probably more so because you’re his mother. Based on the info you give about your relatinship with your DIL before the wedding it seems like you saw her as a reasonable, likeable person….but you start this whole entry off by basically describing her as a horrible, irrational person who is the reason your son isn’t talking to you. I think you need to get in contact with your son and work things out with him before your DIL will be able to talk to you, especially if your son is legitamitely upset about something. Honestly, it may be that they have some misunderstanding of what occurred, and I doubt that this is just the issue of the photos–when you arrived did you try to explain? Did you act like the wedding was the absolute last place in the world you wanted to be (because that sounds like what happened, and that alone would put a bride and groom in a bad mood)? I think you need to look at what it looked like from their side–not knowing what else happened that day, they see you arrive looking unhappy and not happy for them.

Post # 9
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Personally, my wedding day was one big blurr of craziness.  I lost track of who was supposed to do what/when/etc because it was my wedding day and I was a wee bit frazzled.  And I’m pretty sure alot of brides feel this way.  It sounds to me like there was just a huge break down in communication on what needed to happen on your son’s wedding day. 

While I commend you for working so hard to get things done and looking nice, at a certain point, I would have just thrown in the towel so you could get ready.  I went to work at 4:00 AM on my sister’s wedding day because it was the ONE day I couldn’t be away from the office.  I was stressed to the max b/c it was such an important day, but eventually, I had to step away from the office and head over to get ready for the wedding. 

As for your DIL not “talking” to you, I’m the same way.  I get along with my Mother-In-Law, but don’t have the relationship where I talk to her all the time.  Darling Husband calls his mom whenever he wants.  Darling Husband and I were in an LDR when we first married, so our situation was different.  But I remember alot of my friends basically dropping off the face of the earth for the first few months of married life….because they were newlyweds.  Trust me, hanging out/talking to my mom, ESPECIALLY my Mother-In-Law was the last thing on my mind when I was first married. lol

Lastly, it’s easier to overlook things with our moms rather than MILs.  After all, they are our moms, sisters, brothers, etc…I’ve had 30 years of bonding and getting through life’s experiences with my mom.  Naturally, when you have that much time of getting to know someone and love someone you are going to overlook disagreements easier than with someone you don’t have a closer bond with.  I’m not saying that’s right, but that’s how it is for me.

Post # 10
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I believe that if you take it upon yourself to do things like put food away while everyone else is having fun at the reception, you can’t blame anyone but yourself. Maybe the bride’s side would have just thrown it out?

I think you just need to let it go. It was her wedding and if she loved it, there’s no reason to tell her how much you hated it or what all went wrong. That would just hurt her worse.

My Mother-In-Law did a lot of things at the wedding that really hurt me and that my friends are still talking about (like driving our getaway car to our hotel even though Darling Husband was sober). Just let it go and discuss other things with her when you see her.

Post # 11
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@r0ddysm0m:  Ok with your second update. You need to call your SON. You have way too much anger at your DIL to speak to her, and honestly, it seems like she was hurt and got angry, then you got hurt and angry over that. WAY TOO MANY MISUNDERSTANDINGS ARE GOING ON HERE. Call your son, but don’t bash his wife. Explain what happened and why you were feeling that way on the day, and that you think he and DIL may have interpreted your introversion and attempts to help as not being engaged and part of the celebration. Let him explain his feelings on the matter. But seriously, if you want a good relationship with your son and DIL in the future, you need to let some of that anger at her go, and you need to hash things out with your son.

Post # 13
Member
1839 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

@r0ddysm0m:  I think there is nothing you can do about many of the things that you are upset about other than speak to your son about them.  I’m not sure why you felt like you had to be cleaning during or after the wedding, but maybe you should have either spoken up and said that you would like to be there celebrating with everyone else.  I also don’t see why you felt like you had to go clean up during the reception.  I think you just need to let go of your anger about all of this and move on.

Post # 14
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m wondering if it’s possible that there has been a huge amount of miscommunication between yourself and your son.  Is it possible that he didn’t relay information to you regarding set up, etc?  

My in laws NEVER call us/don’t ask what’s going on, etc.  They also don’t want to interfere, however it can often come across as uninterested.  During wedding planning, I had to rely on my Darling Husband to pass information along.  It didn’t always get passed correctly and often was ignored/forgotten when it was passed along.  I tried to have conversations about the wedding with my Mother-In-Law (who I do love, fyi) but she didn’t appear interested and NEVER asked us questions about what was going on.  In the end, there were a lot of screw ups because of people not listening, not caring, not paying attention.  I didn’t realise until it was too late what was happening and, to be honest, my Darling Husband had faith that he’s family was actually paying attention; they weren’t.  I’m not saying what happened is your fault; I’m just wondering if something mis-fired here.

If you DIL doesn’t know you well or thinks that things at the house were planned (perhaps by your son), she could see your being late, not mingling, hanging out in the kitchen as you not caring/being upset/not being happy.  I know you didn’t mean it that way, but I could see her feeling that way.

I’ve read your other posts and it seems like maybe your issue here is with your son and not your DIL.  If you don’t have a close relationship with your son, it will be super difficult for your DIL to cultivate a relationship with you.

EDIT:  To answer your question about why relationships with in laws are difficult, it’s because they aren’t the people you’ve known for your entire life.  If I asked my Darling Husband what the most difficult thing is about being married, he would say “in laws” and he loves my parents.  I *get* my family because they are my family and he *gets* his family because they are his family.  You understand the history, communication style, lifestyle, etc because that’s what you’ve been exposed too.  Most of the problems expressed on the ‘Bee are because of miscommunication and because of people dealing with the *other*.  It just not what you’re used to.  It’s somebody elses’ Christmas, summer vacation, grandchildren expectations, etc that you’re just not used to.  

Post # 15
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I meant why were you cleaning before the wedding? Surely you can clean on the day after?

But anyways, I feel like the closer you are to your son, the more your DIL will love you. My Darling Husband and his mom are super duper close and I try extra hard to make her like me too. I would never try to come between them because they are close. With my ex, his mom was awful and I heard daily from my ex how awful she was. So that made me treat her badly, never call her and I thought differently of her because of all that she had done wrong to my ex.

Post # 16
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ArwenBride: & @PinkMagnolia:   THIS!

You will never be able to work on things with DIL if things aren’t good with your son. So many of my issues with my future in-laws stem from how I perceive them to treat my Fiance and how he feels toward them. If Fiance is happy with them and they are good to him and civil to me then nothing could make me say a bad word or act badly to them no matter what my feelings are. There is a serious missing link here with your son.

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