(Closed) Disagreeing about etiquette

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@vanessa7:  “Yes, yes, yes! If so many women are insulted, I wonder why they don’t just keep their surname. “

Well, because it is a HUGE leap from “I am leaving my family to form a family with my husband” (therefore dropping my father’s name to take my husband’s) and “I am essentially the female version of my husband or he is the only one that matters and I am nothing other than his wife” (which is what your Mrs. John Smith plan says to me). 

Post # 33
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

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@Misswhowedding:  and
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@MexiPino:  DITTO. After 40 years, my last name changed, but my first name didn’t.

Using the example of “Mrs Michelle Obama”- no one calls her to her face “Mrs Barack” – why should she be addressed in print like that? Hate it. Send our invite to “Mr John and Mrs Jane Smith” vs “Mr and Mrs John Smith.”

I had both our minister and DJ announce us as “John and Jane Smith.” And when we received wedding checks made out to “Mr and Mrs John Smith”- *I* wasn’t able to deposit them because that *wasn’t my name*!

Post # 34
Member
956 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

All my envelopes were addressed to “Mr and Mrs His First and Last name” if they shared a last name. If not, it was Mr. John Smith and Ms. (or Miss) Sally Jones.

However, for escort cards, they will be “First Name Last Name” and no titles.

I don’t see why people are so offended by Mr. and Mrs. John Smith on an invite. Your name is on it, Smith, right after the word John.

Post # 35
Member
7199 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

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@rebwana:  Exactly. I mean,  I am SOOOO excited to change my last name and we will be announced as “Dr & Mrs. OurLast” no first names. Though… I keep joking I’m going to make people call me “Mrs. Dr. OurLast” because, along with half his stuff I insist I get half his degree. HAHAHA

Post # 36
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Agree with nearly everything here. This tradition makes me queasy. We did Mr. and Mrs. Him and Her Lastname on save the dates and plan to do so again on invitations. However, there was one instance (a widow) where Future Mother-In-Law asked particularly for her to go by Mrs. Him Lastname–apparently this woman prefers it, and she knew it. So if you know for sure somebody prefers to be formally addressed like that, by all means go ahead. But if you don’t, avoid avoid avoid. Bleh.

Post # 37
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I am not planning on taking FI’s last name for both personal and professional reasons, and while it wouldn’t bother me if someone who didn’t know that addressed an invite to me using my first name with his last name, if they did not include my first name I would be put off by it and wonder what century the person who addressed it was living in.

Post # 38
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@vanessa7:  I recognize that it’s the right way, but I can tell you that my mother is a widow and does not prefer being written as Mrs. John Doe. She’d much prefer being Mrs. Jane Doe. We were talking about it when we were getting ready to write my invitations and I told her it sounded like her parents were confused and named her John instead of Jane.

Post # 39
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

It seems to me that the politest way to address your invites is to use what people prefer to be called, not by what the “rules” of etiquette say. And really are there any hard and fast rules when it comes to etiquette. Given that what is considered acceptable differs considerably from region to region and taking into account how dramatically society has changed in the last 100 years, I would say that ettiquette “rules” should instead be thought of as guidelines which should not take the place of common sense. 

Also, both Fiance and I are doctors. So if we were to both be referred to as Dr HisfirstName HisLastname wouldn’t that be just a bit confusing? 

Post # 40
Member
564 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Agree, agree, agree with so many of the opinions expressed here. Just tossing my two cents in to say that I would be very offended if someone ever called me “Mrs. Man’sFirstName Man’sLastName.” I will not disappear as a person when I get married.

Post # 41
Member
419 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@vanessa7:  This.

Whilst the addressing of women by their husband’s firstname and surname was correct etiquette, I really think that this is one of those areas where the etiquette rule book should be tossed out of the window.

Nowadays women do not generally wish to be seen as the possessions of their husbands and while it is perfectly reasonable to be delighted to be married and, if one wishes, to take one’s husband’s surname, most women prefer to keep a smidgeon of their own identity too!”

Post # 42
Member
589 posts
Busy bee

@vanessa7:  Most people will probably not have much issue with “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe,” even ladies that did not change their last name.  I did not change my name and get slightly annoyed at “Mr. and Mrs. John Doe” but I not mad or anything.  Just annoyed but I would not really think twice about it.  However if I went to a wedding without my husband and the escort card still says “Mrs. John Doe” I would find it a little weird.  My Mother-In-Law (who is widowed), would probably be pretty angry to have that escort card.  My mom, who is also widowed, probably wouldn’t care as much.  So it somewhat depends on your audience.  I just think that you may risk offending people by following the old etiquette so strictly. 

Post # 43
Member
12 posts
Newbee

Many great replies already, but will add from an etiquette perspective —

If a coule is Jane and John Smith, the only correct usage of Mrs. Jane Smith is if she is divorced from John. If Jane would like to use her own name this is acceptable, however you never separate a man’s name

so “Mr. and Mrs. John and Jane Smith” is incorrect. Instead, you should use:

Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith (the and indicates marriage, if they are not married, separate them on diferent lines).

To your original question, a widow can either prefer to be Mrs. John Smith or Ms. Jane Smith and its important to honor that preference. Both are correct etiquette wise.

Also, as others have pointed out, if the woman has a title, she should not be called “Mrs.” Instead it should be listed as:

Dr. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith, etc.

Hope this answers your question!

Post # 44
Member
3080 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

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@vanessa7:  probably because of pressure from their husbands or others to change it. 

Post # 46
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

@vanessa7:  

Ugh I hate that old fashioned ettiquette. Women are actually individual people now. I don’t even want to change my last name but even if I did I still expect to be addressed by my first name. i hope nobody ever addresses me as Mrs. His first& last name. Not sure I’d be able to keep my cool. 

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