Post # 1
My SO and I have been together for three years, I’m 29 years old and he is in his early 30s. We moved in together several months ago and are looking forward to taking the next step together in our relationship. Lately, we have been discussing what styles of e-rings I’m interested in. I love the look of a cushion cut solitaire on a pave band and tried on a few different rings with my mother at a local jeweler. My dream ring would be shy of 2 carats (perhaps in the 1.7-1.8 range). With excellent cut and G-H color, I’m estimating that all-in this might cost about $12K-$14K with the setting.
My SO balked at the idea of a ring that big. He thinks anything over a carat would be too large/gaudy on my finger (I am a sz 6, not that petite-fingered imo) and doesn’t believe any of his friends or family members have spent over $7K on a ring. For context, many of them were married in their early or mid 20’s and have more modestly-sized rings in comparison, probably in the 0.5-1 ct range. It appears he’s worried that a large ring would make us come across as “flashy” or “better than” his family members and they would make comments about the size/cost that would make him uncomfortable. In contrast, it’s common to see 2-3 carat rings worn by my family members and friends from back home and I haven’t heard anyone pass judgment on size/cost (whether modest or large) within those circles.
Our financial situation is very stable– we each have healthy savings, we don’t have any debt, my compensation is +$200K/year working in investment banking and he is bringing in $125K/year. Apart from a downpayment we are saving for on a future house, we don’t have any large expenses on the horizon. My parents have communicated that they would pay for most, if not all, of a future wedding. I let him know that if cost is actually an issue, I would be happy to pay for half of the ring. He is more traditional on this topic and refuses to let me chip in. In regards to carat size, I let him know it is not my intention to “flaunt” myself as “better” than his family/friends. This is my personal preference for finger coverage and not inappropriate for my line of work either. If anything, it feels like there’s a little bit of sizing up from my managers/clients who expect that I present myself in a certain way.
At the end of the day, starting a future with someone I love is much more important than a piece of jewelry. However, I feel that the ring that I have my eye on is not grossly inappropriate given our financial situation/career path. I don’t want to cause any contention with his family or make him uncomfortable. I’m not sure how to strike the right balance on how to approach this again– any thoughts bees?
Post # 2
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
Personally, I still think anything over $7-8k is a lot of money. I know a lot of people purchase rings in a higher range, but spending $12k-15k+ sounds like a lot. Mine was about $6k. I decided that since we didn’t want to spend an extraordinary amount on a stone (we both agreed on that), I would find settings that were unique and fabulous, and that I loved. He chose from those ideas.
There’s always the chance to upgrade down the road, so perhaps compromising with your SO is worthwhile? I think a lot of guys get a little sticker shocked when they first dive into the e-ring situation. It’s not that they don’t want you to have what you love, it’s just hard for them to justify spending that much.
Post # 3
daisybee91 : I feel like it’s absurd that he won’t “allow” you to chip in for the ring that YOU will have to wear for the rest of YOUR life. His friends and family’s opinions be damned—who is he marrying? Them, or you? Also, he can’t claim tradition since you’re clearly living together before marriage which is everything BUT traditional. Is he concerned about what his family and friends think about his living situation, too, or is he just cherry picking which values to consider?
I wouldn’t just drop it, especially since you’ve made it seem like you’re more than happy to pay for at least half. He needs to let go of his pride and allow you to pay for half or more of the ring you really want. Remind him that what you like should be the most important thing (second only to financial ability to buy the ring—which with a $300k+ household, I’m assuming is not an issue) when it comes to making a decision.
Post # 4
My parents argued about money over stuff like this before they got divorced. My understanding about the “showing off” status thing is this:
When you ‘appear’ to be wealthier or more successful than your family members (regardless of actual), people have certain expectations of you like treating them out, picking up tabs, gifting larger amounts etc. Otherwise you can ‘lose face’.
You mention this yourself that you are aware that other people look at rings and judge/size people up. So there IS an implication by way of image.
So regardless of your intention, sometimes people think well if they can afford XYZ and drive a Mercedes Benz, they are so cheap for spending only ABC on ETC. Maybe you don’t care, maybe he does. Maybe he feels pressured or feels judgement from his family. Again, maybe you don’t care but maybe he does. Neither one of your feelings is more valid than the other.
Post # 5
For what it’s worth, my SO was also very worried about gaudiness and size until we actually tried rings on and he saw how they looked on my finger. After that he realized that his idea of “huge” didn’t really correspond to carat size and ended up pushing me to go bigger.
Post # 6
I let him know that if cost is actually an issue, I would be happy to pay for half of the ring. He is more traditional on this topic and refuses to let me chip in
This is the perfect compromise. The bullshit answer of being traditional is such garbage. I am 100% on board with not spending someone elses money, but YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR OWN MONEY! He can’t really stop you. I would again try to articulate how important this is, and that you will be wearing it for the rest of your life. When he compares it to other people – stop him. “Honey, that isn’t us. This is what *I* want, what they have doesn’t matter”. And when he brings up being traditional “I guess I should move out and become a virgin?? Obviously we arent things the traditional way”. I’m pretty annoyed for you!
eta – since others mentioned upgrading – you will almost never get full value out of your diamond, so you’re still spending more money to upgrade than you would originally to get the size you want. Even jewellers that have a 100% upgrade policy usually require you spend double the original amount.
Post # 7
Yeah, screw all angles of his argument. From caring so much what other people will think all the way to his patriarchal effing “traditional” BS.
Any man who “refused” to “allow” me to pay my OWN money toward my OWN ring wouldn’t be a man I’d want to get engaged to.
I am appalled on your behalf at the ridiculous stance he’s taking and the weak/pathetic reasoning he’s using to justify it.
Post # 8
My Darling Husband tried to use the excuse that his friends only paid $6-7k and no one spent more than $9k on a ring. I said that’s great, you aren’t your friends. We don’t have their relationship and we’re in a much better position financially. If you can afford it without financing it or “cutting corners” on daily living, then get the ring you want.
You are correct with your estimate. I have a 1.75 carat, H color, Triple X diamond and we paid $15k, with the setting. I’m a size 4 for reference.
Post # 9
Who cares what his family thinks? Thats such a stupid argument. It would be equally dumb if he insisted that you wear 5ct because its expected in his circle.
So weird. I’d be firm in what you want in this case and you two clearly have the funds too.
Post # 10
I know this sounds so primitive but is there something he is very passionate about… his car, clothes, shoes, furniture, purchasing of a home, that could be used as an analogy? I know it sounds silly, but sometimes putting something he spends a considerable amount of time and money on, into perspective can shed light onto your desire for a specific ring. When my husband rolled his eyes onetime regarding my ring I brought up how much money he has spent on his hobby at the time and he tried to defend how it was totally different and he literally couldn’t, he kept trying to but would just go around in circles until he laughed and said yeah you’re right. Maybe if he sees things from a different perspective other than $15k on a “big diamond”? And if he is looking at it from the prospective of “I don’t want to come off as showy” then he is backhandedly admitting to caring what his family thinks, so does that mean he will have to buy a modest home well below your means to be sure not to offend anyone? I mean I am just not sure he is seeing the value in spending $15k on a ring but you are willing to pay for half I would insist that happens. When you two are married I assume you will join funds? So why not start with this being your first big joint purchase? Is he gong to stop you from buying a $1000 rug for your future home? Or driving a luxury vehicle? All because he doesn’t want to offend his family. I mean I get it I get both sides, but this is your one thing. You make so much money and are so well off, you deserve this!!!! If its your money its your money I understand HE is traditional but that doesn’t mean you have to be a traditional couple. I sure hope he comes around. Sounds like a beautiful ring.
Post # 10
I do agree that you should get a ring you love. I think it’s ridiculous that he won’t allow you to chip in…
Have you thought about compromising on any of the C’s to get the size you want? I found an I color, eye clean SI2 Cushion and it’s absolutely gorgeous.
Post # 11
mrscb2bee : Cushions come in about 25% less in cost, so it would be a bit cheaper. I just found a 1.7, H, SI1 on Blue Nile for $8K (no setting).
But I do agree with your points that he shouldn’t be comparing their relationship to others.
Post # 12
sharpshooter : Absolutely. Different shapes have different prices. I always wanted a classic round though! 😊
Post # 13
sharpshooter : Cushions also face up smaller than rounds, and if she wants the finger coverage of a 1.7 ct round she would need to get at least a 2.5 ct cushion. Her preference isn’t just carat weight, its finger coverage (mm spread).
Post # 14
If I did the math right, 15k (to round up) is 0.00461% of your combined income. Wow. Maybe ask him to choose between the 15k, or 2 months worth of your salary (combined salary) that has been used for a long time (right or wrong). Hee hee……..okay, I’m a bit medicated so take that in fun, but really, 0.00461 per cent.
I also wonder as did the PP if he has seen a 1.80 cushion on you? It’s just not that huge.
So many good points in the responses so far, but I say, stand your ground on this.