Post # 30
based on the fact that you both are earning good money and don’t have any major expenses, I’m in complete agreement with everyone saying that he’s being unreasonable. Basically, he’s saying that the only thing he is willing to do is purchase you a ring in the size and price range HE deems acceptable (based on what others in his family may have done- he probably didn’t even actually check) and that you cannot contribute your opinion or money in any way. That is not okay.
This does not bode well for a married future with him. And his whole “traditional” stance is pretty bullshit since it seems to be arbitrary and based on what traditions he wants to follow.
I would not relent on this because his entire argument is based on bullshit.
Post # 31
I mean, I think spending thousands of dollars on a Ring is insane (my partner and I have the same budget as you and spent under $100 on my ring) but it’s your life and you get to do what you want with the money you earn, within the reasonable limite of your budget. It isn’t a great relationship norm for him to feel he gets to make these calls for the family as a whole.
Post # 32
20sparklingyears : sorry to threadjack OP but since she asked:
So: 15,000 divided by 325,000 comes out to 0.04615. Then, to change that from a number to a percentage, you have to move the decimal sign two places to the right: 0.04615 turns into 4.615%. Like how one-tenth of something (1/10 or 0.1) is the same as 10%… Either way, a small amount of their annual income!
Post # 33
daisybee91 : just for size reference I have a 1.5 cushion on a size 5 and it’s really not all that huge. Surely not gaudy. Shoe your bf! Lol.
Post # 34
I can understand him wanting to be traditional and wanting it to be a surprise. However I also agree that he probably doesnt know what that looks like and hasn’t given it much thought and is jumping to assumptions.
I think you should go and try on rings together, emphasize what you love. Show him so he can see. Then let his decision be his decision. After all you are marrying the man not the ring.
Hopefully he will get you something you will both be happy with. And some men want to be the one to buy the ring. I think that’s nice personally. You can always buy your own jazzy diamond bands to dress it up with at a later date.
Post # 35
KittyYogi : Bless you for pointing that out to me!
Post # 36
- Wedding: November 2019 - City, State
I agree with PP’s that he’s being unreasonable and basing his decisions on assumed “facts” and citing tradition.
I get it. My SO is SUPER traditional and said a lot of the things your SO is saying re: me helping pick it out or pitching in. He really wanted it to be a surprise and did not want me to help pay (he said that would feel emasculating, and I can understand that regardless of whether I agree). I asked if he wanted to come shopping with me just to get an idea of what I like and price ranges. Once we were shopping, he quickly realized that I noticed details he didnt and I was quite picky. He decided it would be better for me to help choose it than for him to spend a pile of money on a gamble. He was disappointed that the ring won’t be a surprise, but the proposal will be.
See if he’ll go shopping with you so you can show him what you like. Find some kind of compromise because this is about you as a couple, not about him, not about you, and certainly not about any of your family members or friends.
I also really like the PP who suggested asking him how he’d feel about you buying him a vehicle with little to no input from him!
Post # 37
daisybee91 : I guess I’m in the minority, but I can see where your boyfriend is coming from. It sounds like you come from a wealthier family, and maybe he does not. I could see him not being thrilled with the idea of showing off his wealth if the two of you are doing better financially than his parents or friends. Or maybe he doesn’t want the ring to look like a status symbol for similar reasons. Yes, you are the one who has to wear it, but I think you should compromise on something that looks respectable to both of you and is consistent with both of your values. But others are probably right that once you show him an actual 1.7 carat it won’t look as gaudy as he is imagining.
Post # 39
If his family is not wealthy and he is more on the financially sensible type, he should just act nonchalant about it and act like its not a big deal. The worst case scenario is his family is going to assume the ring is a moissanite or sapphire or something because he’s acting cool about it and can’t possibly be spending 15k on a ring. His family probably can’t tell, so if its not about the money just tell him to just act cool about it and his family will probably think its not that expensive.
Post # 40
Everything aside, it’s stupid you aren’t “allowed” to spend your own money on something you want.
Post # 41
Try rings on with him to show him the size. You are well within your rights to want your dream ring, especially one you can afford on your own. But at the end of the day, he must agree that since you’re the one wearing the ring you have to love it.
Post # 42
daisybee91 : Stand your ground, you’re willing to pay for half so there’s no reason you shouldn’t have your dream ring! IMO $14K isn’t THAT much on a ring, especially with how much you’re both making but I know everyone’s opinion will be different regarding that.
He should stop worrying about what his friends will think of your ring, just because they have small rings you have to as well so you don’t seem like flashy assholes? His friends get to feel good about what they have on their finger but YOU don’t? nah
Post # 43
Luckily size isn’t everything.
Post # 44
I’m sorry that this is a kink in what should be a really exciting time for you, bee. I want to share my friend’s situation.
Like you, they both have very good jobs and plenty of savings; she earns more than her husband, and they both earn significantly more than his family and friends. On just about every major purchase, they ran into conflict. She wanted to buy a nicer home; he persuaded her to buy a less nice one and spend time renovating. She wanted to buy a luxury car that was in line with what her coworkers had; he thought it was too flashy and she ultimately got a more practical car. They are still married now, but my friend has confided to me that she feels stifled by her husband. She often feels that her husband does not allow her to live the kind of life she could have without him. She loves him and I don’t think she would divorce him, but she feels deeply unhappy and like she has to justify all of her purchases when there is no financial necessity to do so.
I understand that the situation can be more complex with a ring than with a house because traditionally it is a gift rather than a joint purchase, but I don’t want you to become my friend, bee. Please communicate with your SO and make it clear that while you respect his need to be comfortable in front of his family and friends, ultimately that would mean that you would sacrifice something that you want and would wear every day. This is not a one-time issue.
Post # 45
I don’t think $14K is an insane amount to spend on a ring, especially considering your combined incomes. I also think depending where you live 1.5-2 carat rings don’t stand out too much as gaudy or flashy anyway.
I think once he goes with you to see them on he will see what you’re talking about doesn’t look gaudy. He should respect your opinion on this, after all you’re the one wearing it.