disagreement over appropriate e-ring size/cost?

posted 1 year ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

My e-ring was more modest than I like for similar reasons.  I never loved it and never wear it on special occasions unless I have to. I should have stuck to my guns or accepted no ring at all.  Don’t be me! 

Post # 47
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I wonder if instead of paying for half the ring you can put the difference in the house down payment savings account?Or take on more of the other joint financial responsibilities for awhile? Allowing him to “save” for a more expensive ring by paying without you actually contributing to the ring but instead by lessening other costs. That way you aren’t transferring $8,000 into his bank account which is obviously for the ring.

I understand him wanting to have the ring be from just him. I just wonder if you can work it out where he still feels like he’s following tradition and you are still contributing. Right or wrong I get it. 

Post # 48
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2018

Omg this is frustrating, I know! Sometimes it take a little coaxing to bring him around. You can obviously afford it, but don’t call t “chipping in”. When you decide to get married, you are joined and there is no such thing as “chipping in”. I’d stop mentioning the size you are hoping for. Ask him if you can look online for rings and choose three you love with the setting. Explain what you love about each- color, cut, clarity, etc. if he thinks you’re focusing on the size he’ll think you’re “being flashy”. I designed my own ring and picked out the stone. It’s a color D VS2 excellent cut oval 1.24 carat oval in a platinum halo with matching wedding band. It’s an incredible stone and looks much bigger on my finger (size 5)- none of my friends can believe it’s less than 2 carats. (Much less!) we paid approximately $10500 for EVERYTHING including the band. We ourchased it from James Allen. Might be a compromise for you to think about!! Let me know what you think! 

Post # 49
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

When you marry someone, you marry their family too so I don’t understand the suggestion that how he feels about his family doesn’t matter. 

My fiance is much better off financially than everyone in his family and my ring is bigger than everyone elses and I only have a 1.5 round solitaire. I do feel a bit uncomfortable around them but I’m not making any huge changes in my lifestyle to accomodate them either. But we’re also the first people to get called when someone needs money and we’ve spent more money than I care to talk about helping out family members.

I hope you two can find a happy medium.

Post # 51
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

Any chance you could compromise with a lab diamond or a moissanite? A cushion lab diamond would cost ~40% less than a mined diamond, while a moissanite would cost ~90% less. You wouldn’t have to tell your social circle that it’s not a mined diamond, while he could tell his family. (Really not a compromise at all with the lab diamond, which is identical to a mined diamond.) This way you’d get the size and shape you want, but within his budget.

I’m assuming this is the only financial area where you’re having friction, and this isn’t a sign of something deeper.

Post # 52
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

Honestly, I agree with many of the comments on here, despite that they are so mixed. 

 

Maybe consider going ring shopping with some girlfriends and trying on different carat sizes and taking photos? That way he still gets his surprise but also will have some real life photos of what rings look like on your finger. 

Post # 53
Member
159 posts
Blushing bee

I chipped in. Engagement rings are an antiquiated as hell tradition and even though as girls we like to have a sparkly ring on our finger from the guy we love that doesn’t mean he has to go broke to make you happy. We are modern women and if you want to pay he needs to get with the times.

If you both have the money and you really love each other than he should be okay with what you want. You have to wear it for the rest of your life and dont let him forget that. It has to make you happy and in turn it makes him happy that you love it so much. It beats the alternative which is you getting the ring and having a pagne of regret that you chose wrong everytime you look down at it. I have a non diamond cushion center (8×9 mm) and it’s HUGE. But my mom has a little morganite that I think faces up to 1.25 and it’s stunning and by no means small, but it’s comparable to a .75 – 1.00 ct round. Maybe try that argument? That because it’s a fancy cut it the carat size looks a little smaller so you’d like a slightly larger ring? Or maybe bring it down to say 1.50 – 1.60 carats? I’m sure you will work it out!

Post # 54
Member
18 posts
Newbee

I don’t agree with any bee who thinks OP needs to compromise further! She offered to pay half. Is that not a compromise??? I feel like some bees on here think a compromise means caving into any demands your fiance/husband gives you. 

Your fiance is wrong. If you’re offering to pay half and he’s rejecting it on some bs “tradition” and lets you know he values his family’s opinions over your own, then I mean you picked him. Think long and hard if you’re ready to put up with more of this. 

You’re about to have serious issues in the marriage if this is how he’s going to behave. Not letting you spend YOUR OWN MONEY ON YOUR RING because he doesn’t agree with the size. SMH. 

Buy the ring you want yourself and the next big purchase you need to make as a couple, have him pay for it fully. That’ll be his “payment for the ring”. 

 

 

Post # 55
Member
439 posts
Helper bee

I don’t understand the whole “this is MY ring” concept. Yes, it is. But it’s BOTH your engagement and BOTH your marriage. It sets a poor precedent to force your way on something that should be celebrating both of you. And if it were a wholly financial worry than yes, OP contributing 50% of the ring’s cost would be a compromise. BUT, this isn’t just about the money, this is also about his worry of how his family and friends will perceived them and the ring. If we say he should discount what his family think about the ring and the cost of the ring, then in a similar vein, OP needs to be told that her clients and managers’ opinions on her ring should not matter either. 

To me anyway, I wouldn’t feel comfortable forcing my fiance into spending more than he wanted or getting something that he would be uncomfortable with showing off to his friends and family. I want him to love anything marriage/wedding related as much as I do or else it isn’t worth having.

An engagement or the wedding and the marriage isn’t JUST about the bride. His opinions – wherever they come from, are worth listening to, valueing and considering. I can’t imagine how the tables would be flipped if it were a groom being completely dismissive of his future wife’s feelings instead.

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