(Closed) HELP PLEASE: Disagreements over the wedding… :/ long?

posted 6 years ago in Elopement
  • poll: What do I do?
    say "screw it" and just elope with our families (the original plan) : (10 votes)
    67 %
    just deal and go with the current plan to make him happy : (0 votes)
    have a small wedding at home, people will understand : (3 votes)
    20 %
    keep the current plan because people WON'T understand. : (2 votes)
    13 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    6123 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @IronMango:  

    First let’s just debunk your neat little boxes of religious = value marriage, non-religious = no value in marraige.  You’re almost saying, “How can I value marriage, I didn’t grow up religious!”

    One can can be non-religious, never dream of a big wedding AND value marriage highly at the same time.  So let’s just mix up your two boxes that you’ve so neatly compartmentalized.  I am proof. 

    Second, I will ask you to think outside the box for a wedding.  Example: Bride and Groom wore hiking shirts and hiking pants.  Immediately after the ceremony and hugs, they went on a week long backpacking trip – just the two of them!  Seems fitting for this couple and represents them well: http://www.juliewilliamsphotography.ca/index.php/2010/07/elizabeth-jason-an-elopement-at-two-jack-lake/

    Or this Bride and Groom that hiked to a location and said their vows right by a river (no dress either): http://www.juliewilliamsphotography.ca/index.php/2011/10/patbrian/

     

    So now that you can see weddings don’t have to be white dresses and fluff, you can start to look at it a little differently.  What these weddings had in common were just immediate families or just parents and maybe a couple friends.  THAT’S IT.

    Now, this is kind of hard to get you to see the sentiment, meaning and power of it all – WHEN YOU DON’T VALUE MARRIAGE.

    I have a girlfriend who married a guy.  They are in their 40s.  The guy doesn’t believe in marriage, he still says this to this day (they are going on 15 years of marriage now).  He never wanted kids, but somehow he ended up with two kids.  The guy is not marriage or dad material and it’s a constant battle with his wife.  To which I’d just like to tell her, “Well who did you think you were marrying?  Did you expect someone different?”

    So that’s my opinion on getting married just for the other person.  I am not a big fan of it.  I think it doesn’t set up the marriage for ultimate success to be honest.

    Now I was once where you are.  I didn’t believe in marriage.  I thought why on earth would I marry any man – they are all pigs!  I was only 23 mind you, and I had very bad examples of men and relationships up to that point. 

    Somehow, somewhere along the way, after pcking a really bad partner thinking I would be with him forever, I changed.  I educated myself.  Marriage could be good and beneficial – I was just doing it ALL WRONG!  It took me a divorce and finding love at 32 to realize this though.

     

    But if you’re still going on with a wedding, then the question is who is going to be more unhappier?

    You who doesn’t want a marraige or wedding going through a 120 person wedding event, or him eloping alone or possibly just parents/immediate family?

    Post # 5
    Member
    4192 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

    Have you read this post?

    Going through with a wedding style I didn't want is ruining my marriage

    I realize that you and Fiance are long distance, but you two need to get face to face, and iron this out asap. You two are so far apart in what you want for this day- I can see how you could be writing a post like the other bee above did. 

    Re: save the dates- you can always change the date, or the details. You can always have a smaller ceremony, and a larger reception later, if that’s what the TWO of you agree on. 

    Neither one of you should be miserable in regards to wedding plans.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6123 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @IronMango:  

    Before him, I had very horrible and some violent experiences with dating.

    I am very sorry to hear you endured those things, but it didn’t surprise me based on your original fear of marriage.  It makes sense.

    My mom has a very warped view on marriage, and she stayed married to my dad for 37 years until he died this summer.  She was truly unable to see why I was happy to marry my H.  She would say marriage is a death trap and she doesn’t know why anyone on earth would marry intentionally.  It was beyond her.  She couldn’t even be happy for me because I was happy.  They had a bad marriage, but she chose poorly for a partner. 

    Fiance is perfect and everything I could hope for. I just wish he was willing to compromise a bit on the wedding plans.

    Yes, he does need to compromise, hopefully the compromising is equal for both of you, not all falling into one person’s lap.  I do think it comes down to which option will produce the least misery!

    Post # 8
    Member
    8041 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @IronMango:  HE needs to compromise now. Sit down and talk to him and make him remember that you didn’t want to get married in the first place. This is getting ridiculous. I hope you can go back to the original plan.

    Post # 10
    Member
    316 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    You could tell him he can plan it since he want the big wedding. I really really wanted to elope but FH had his heart set on having his family there to support us. So we are keeping the numbers fairly small (45 total) and he helps plan the wedding with me. It’s working pretty well for us. 

    Post # 11
    Member
    8041 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @IronMango:  I don’t think it’s fair that you have to compromise this much. Hopefully he’ll bend on something, though!

    I wish the date I put was my wedding date lol.. I picked it kinda randomly when I signed up since they make you put one. Not engaged yet but hopefully soon 🙂

    Post # 12
    Member
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I went through pretty much exactly the same problem in the early days of wedding planning. I wanted either a small, intimate wedding, or (if we did invite everyone we knew), it had to be cheap. Fiance and his family kept aiming for big expensive venues and trying to invite everyone, so at the end of the day, I said “This is how much I’m willing to put towards a wedding, you organise it and you can pay anything over X amount.” Fiance looked into wedding stuff for about a month, then came back with a much cheaper wedding plan.

    You could also try writing down everything that you’re upset about – I did that too, and posted it on here for some feedback – and after reading it, fiance had a much better idea of where I was coming from. Because whenever I tried to discuss it, I would usually get so upset I’d start crying (I cry pretty easily).

    At the end of the day, this isn’t just his wedding, and it isn’t just your wedding. It’s for both of you and you should both be happy with the wedding plans.

    Post # 13
    Member
    4046 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    If he wants a wedding, big wedding, he can plan it. He picks the cake, venue, does all the meetings. You can take the typical ‘groom’ role in giving your opinion when somethign matters to you. And picking a dress. But he can plan all the other details since this is important to him.

    Post # 14
    Member
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    So you wanted to elope, or have a small wedding at best. HE wants different and your wishes are no longer of importance. I totally agree with  kerensa:  let HIM plan this big affair and simply find a dress you really like (it doesn’t have to be a traditional wedding dress) and show up on the big day.

    Post # 16
    Member
    2959 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Well why should you be all stressed out about this big wedding you never wanted! Let him plan and simply input as needed and show up on the big day!

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