- 5 years ago
- Wedding: September 2012
I need to get this off my chest. I’m usually the first one to jump on the “I hate my ILs” posts and tell people to calm down, let it go, reduce expectations, etc. But I’m pissed and need to get this off my chest.
I’ve been with my husband for 8+ years. I’ve been around long enough to know how my ILs are and how to deal with them. He has taught me to lower my expectations (if not completely eliminate them) when it comes to his parents. They are selfish, self-absorbed… everything is about them. They want what they want, when they want it, etc. I’ve dealt with years worth of guilt trips, being pitted against my husband, snide remarks, the whole nine. And I’m at my wits end.
They constantly talk about family, how important family is, etc. And essentially guilt trip us for “not being around.” Meanwhile, they go out of town EVERY weekend, without exception. Our life is here. They leave. But they expect us to make a 2 hr trip just to see them and hang out, spend an entire weekend with them. Those are our options – either not see them at all, or devote an entire weekend 100+ miles away. I can’t even count how many get-togethers they have missed (Mothers Day, Easter, baby showers, even just random family parties). But it’s everyone elses fault that no one makes an effort to see them.
So here’s what set me off today – my sister has two beautiful daughters. I am the godmother of the first, her BIL is the godfather. She found out she was expecting her second in the midst of our wedding planning. She asked me and my now husband to be her godparents. He was thrilled – of course it’s a big honor, but it’s also a big commitment – you’re committing your life to this sweet, innocent little girl, to be someone she comes to, to talk to, to support, etc. It’s a big deal to us, rightfully so.
After my husband was asked he told his parents. They were pretty dismissive, didn’t seem too interested or proud. It was like “Oh, that’s nice.” Disappointing? Yes. But whatever. Like I said, I know how they are, it just wasn’t worth getting my panties in a bunch over.
So my sister plans her little girl’s Christening, sends out e-vites to everyone, including my ILs. I asked her about it and she said “I figured they would want to see their son become a Godfather.” I thought, “Yeah, sure… you would think so, but don’t bank on it. Chances are they will be out of town (like every other weekend) and this isn’t worth it to them.” They never RSVP’d to the e-vite (they have email, I know it was recieved). So my sister texts my husband today asking him to confirm whether or not they are attending (she needs a head count for the party that follows the service). He calls them. “No we aren’t coming. We’ll be out of town.”
I’m not shocked by this news, I anticipated it. Still, I’m just whole-heartedly disappointed. First – these little girls mean the world to us. We love them with everything we have. Next to one another (my husband and myself) they are hands down the most important people in our lives. Second – like I said earlier, it’s a big honor to become a Godparent. Forget the neice for a second. This is their son. I don’t understand how they can be so dismissive of something so important to him. Third (and I think this is why I’m so upset) – I’m sick and tired of hearing “family is so important” and “we never get to see you” and “you’re selfish with your time.” Meanwhile, there has been ample opportunity to see us, and see *our* family, and you make zero effort because you would rather do what YOU want to do and that’s spend your weekend out of town. (Last time I checked, weekends are when people do things, get together with family… that’s when people are available, right?).
I’m just at my wits end. The guilt trips just add insult to injury. I’ve tried to do things that make them happy and I feel like a jackass because I get dick in return. There is so much more to this than just this example. Like I said, this is years in the making. And I never expceted things to get better, I’ve learned to accept them as they are and eliminate any and all expectations. But I’m just pissed at this. This is after Turkey Day drama – “Why don’t you want to come out of town and spend Thanksgiving with us?” Because 1 – why would just the four of us get together 100 miles away from everyone else in our family and 2 – We have work the next day, which means travel is not really an option. When we tell them we have work the next day they ask us to use a personal day. What the fuck?
I’m just rambling now. Sorry this is so long. But upwards of a decade of this and you’re bound to go a little batty every once in a while.
It feels good to get this out. Thanks.