Disappointed and impatient

posted 11 months ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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lesliep29 :  apologizing is nice but make sure it’s not an empty apology. Apologies are pretty worthless without changed behavior.

Post # 107
Member
18 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2008

This post can’t be real. I am not one to bash anyone but are you serious bee?? Like really ?? Really?? 

Post # 108
Member
11373 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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MissCtoMrsR :  

Could be.  But, there is a larger trend of Swarm attacks that is very ugly and entirely unhelpful.

Eventually, they will be left to cannibalize each other.

Not pointing at you, Bee.

Post # 109
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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sassy411 :  I would understand a little more if OP wasn’t so unbelievable!

Post # 111
Member
1193 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

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lesliep29 :  Maybe he has low self esteem and doesn’t think he can do better?

Post # 113
Member
3317 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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lesliep29 :  

It’s great that you’re be decided to tell him how much you appreciate him and that you’re going to look harder for a job. But what you haven’t addressed here at all, because it seems you keep getting pulled into defending yourself rather than productive conversation, is whether you’re going to make reasonable adjustments to your expectations and re-evaluate with your partner whether engagement and a wedding are realistic and responsible goals at this time. 

I really do think that given your precarious financial position, getting a ring and planning a wedding should not be priorities right now. You should be focused on finishing your degree and setting up a more secure and balanced future together. Your partner might be fine with just taking on all the financial responsibilities while also giving you whatever you want, but it’s incredibly irresponsible on both his part and yours to continue that dynamic. 

Do either of you have any retirement savings right now? Investments? Have you set a wedding budget? Where is that money coming from? Do you have a house budget for when you finish school and are able to consider buying? What is it and how did you guys come to that number? Are you being realistic in your expectations for how quickly you will find gainful employment when you graduate and how much you will make? If you end up having to move when you finish school, what does that mean for your boyfriend’s job/career? 

If you can’t answer every single one of those questions together as a couple and be on the same page about all of them, marriage should be completely off the table until you can. 

Aside from the basic financial risks/irresponsibility here, the biggest issue I see is that you don’t seem to have ant concern whatsoever about being an equal partner. You’re quite flippant about your boyfriend’s money and seem to be perfectly comfortable with him bankrolling your life.

It’s one thing to accept as a couple that one of you will temporarily need to take on more of the financial load – that’s part of being a partner – but being a good partner means doing your best to pull as much of your own weight as possible and not taking advantage of your partner’s generosity. 

I honestly just don’t understand how you can even be concerned about getting a ring right now. There is no way I would feel ok with asking my partner for not just an expensive piece of jewellery but to pay for a wedding when he’s already taking on the entire financial burden of our lives. How are you actually comfortable with that? And not just comfortable with it, but so entitled to it that you’re annoyed that he hasn’t given it to you yet? Do you not feel even a tiny bit of guilt? Do you not feel just a tiny bit frustrated and ashamed to be completely financially dependant on someone else at the age of 40 when you don’t even have kids with that person?? It’s honestly kind of crazy to me that you are ok with any of this, let alone want *more*. 

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