Post # 1
I’m new to the site and disappointed that this is my first question, but here goes. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year (we have known each other for a long time though). We have looked at rings and talk about marriage all the time. Last month we went to Vegas to celebrate our one-year anniversary. I had thought he might propose on our trip and was mildly disappointed that he didn’t, but didn’t say anything. Until the other night, after we had both had a few drinks (yes, BAD idea). I don’t even really remember how it came up, (ok, I MAY have had more than a few drinks) but suddenly I was mentioning to him that I had kind of thought he was planning to propose in Vegas. He said that he wanted to, but didn’t because his brother begged him not to.
Ok, let me back up, it’s not because his brother hates me, or is in love with me himself. It’s because he has been with his girlfriend for 4 years and she has explicitly told him that she will be furious if we get engaged before they do (very mature, I know). His brother was planning to propose over Christmas, but couldn’t afford to get the ring, which is ridiculous because he makes a lot of money. Then he realized that the ring he wanted to get was the exact same one as his buddy’s wife’s ring, so he had to pick out a new one. He has the ring now, but he STILL hasn’t proposed, over 2 months later. Apparently when my BF told his brother that he wanted to propose to me on our trip, his brother begged him not to and said he would would be really upset and angry if he did. So my BF told him he had this one chance and if he didn’t do it soon he would propose to me regardless (as a side note, he also didn’t have the ring when we went on our trip. He could have gotten it right before we left but likely wouldn’t have been able to get it sized).
Anyways, after hearing all of this, I was very angry and upset. I felt like he was putting his brother before me, particularly since his brother has had ample time to propose and seems to be putting it off. My BF was understanding and very apologetic, but doesn’t really seem to get it, because he says that “it’s going to happen anyways” (our engagement). I told him that even though we had a great trip, it could have been made that much better if he had just done what he wanted to do. After all, you only get one first anniversary, one first big trip together, etc, and it would have been amazing if he would have done it Vegas (one of my favorite places). I know I should be happy that a proposal seems to be right around the corner, but I can’t help being angry with his brother for being so selfish, and with him for going along with it. Maybe proposals just aren’t as big of a deal to men as they are to women. Any thoughts? Am I acting like a spoiled brat or is my disappointment and frustration somewhat justified?
Post # 2
blondie55: I don’t think that it was right for him to drop his plans just so his brother’s girlfriend wouldn’t feel inadequate. But if you know already that the engagement is coming I would just chill and wait.
Post # 3
Mircat: I know, don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that he’s going to propose. I just find it so irritating that he let his brother’s actions (or lackthereof) dictate his own. I think it was really weak of him.
Post # 4
blondie55: You have every right to be angry. Your bf is showing a serious lack of b*lls to be swayed by his brother and future sister-in-law. Life is not a race and it doesn’t matter which brother gets engaged first, and there’s nothing wrong with them being engaged at the same time.
Post # 5
I think your bf should have stood up to his brother. Multiple people can be engaged at one time and that is very inconsiderate of his brother!
Post # 6
blondie55: I’m sorry you’re disappointed it didn’t happen on your anniversary but I’m sure you wouldn’t have wanted your boyfriend to fall out with his brother over this? I agree that the brother was in the wrong for saying anything in the first place but I think your boyfriend handled it as best he could…The last thing you would want is friction and resentment with your future inlaws!
So you have to wait a few more months… It’s really not that bad… and I’m sure your boyfriend will make sure it’s extra special 🙂
Post # 8
I wouldn’t want him to put a strain on his relationship with his brother, but I think your bf should’ve done one of two things. He could’ve kept his mouth shut when you asked him about it. No wants to hear what somebody almost did. My FI always tells me he ALMOST got me Chipotle on the way home. Then, all of a sudden, all I can think about is Chipotle. What you’re feeling right now is this 1000x. I’m not for lying in a relationship, but this kind of thing is alright to keep to yourself.
Another option was that he could’ve proposed and asked you to keep it secret until his brother proposed. I really do understand his brother’s request. It may not seem reasonable to you, but if it would’ve hurt his brother, then I don’t think your bf did the wrong thing by waiting, he just could’ve handled it differently.
Post # 9
Your future SIL’s jealousness is not your or your BF’s problem, it’s your future BILs, and your BF should have shut that down. If your BF is willing to let his brother dictate such major life decisions, he might not be ready to get married anyway. :/ Hope this gets straightened out for you soon!
Post # 10
Is it possible he used his brother as a scapegoat? I’ve noticed men tend to do what they want no matter what the opinions of others are.
Post # 11
Yes you only get 1 first anniversary ect, and what your BF’s brother did was not right. Hell, your BF shouldn’t have listened to him (how old are they? seems childish), but he did. You have plenty of time to get engaged and you will have many other firsts together. I would encourage you not to push him, he will propose when he’s ready. Pushing him to propose will make things seem forced and men HATE pressure. You know he’s going to propose so relax and enjoy your last few months as a girlfriend!
Post # 12
I agree with SellyJo. I cannot see why he should have told his brother no. His brother begged him, meaning he was desperate. Your boyfriend gave him one chance only, not a blank check, and he made that clear to his brother. His choice will affect your(pl) future relationship with his family.
It’s true you only have one first anniversary, but that does not mean your proposal will not be special.
Post # 13
I truly understand why you are hurt, I really do. But I also understand how your boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend is feeling. They have been dating for 4 YEARS, they have had 4 anniversaries, numerous trips and he STILL hasn’t propsed. I know that she shouldn’t feel like it is a race or that there is a certain order, but if you take a look around the waiting boards you will see that sometimes it’s very hard to not feel resentment towards those who get engaged after a shorter relationship than your own.
I’m sure that she would be mortified if she found out that you knew what she had said. I’m also sure that, just like you, her comments happened in emotional, state, possibly after drinking a little too much when she was feeling vulnerable.
Just look at it this way: If they are engaged first you will end up having a much better relationship with your new brother and sister-in-law. Plus, you have your first anniversary all to yourself, a beautiful memory. You will also now, in the future, have another great memory, your proposal. Two awesome memories. 🙂
Also remember that your boyfriend’s relationship with his brother is very important and that in the scheme of things, waiting a few months is nothing compared to the relationship between two brothers.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2014 - UK
On the one hand, I can see where you’re coming from – it must be frustrating to be told that. I don’t think your Boyfriend should have said no to his brother, but I think discretion would have been the better part of valour in this case and he should have just not told you.
On the other hand, I’m a bit taken aback by this:
After all, you only get one first anniversary, one first big trip together
Well, yes, you do only get one first anniversary and one first big trip, but isn’t the whole point that it’s the first of MANY? Why do you need to rush everything together on all your firsts? You’re getting married, and you won’t have many firsts left very soon if you are trying to get them all out of the way in one go!
You very rightly said that relationships are not a race, so try to apply that to every aspect of your relationship and enjoy the things you do for what they are, not as milestones to lump together. You know you’re going to get married, so now you can just relax and take the time to enjoy your relationship in the secure knowledge that you will be getting engaged.
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Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
This sucks 🙁 My honest advice though is just to let this go. You definitely do not want to come between a man and his brother. When I first started dating my DH, his brother was not keen to me. He came home from the Navy and didn’t like that his baby brother was seriously committed to a chick he never met before – so he never really even gave me a fighting chance. He was constantly mean to me (DH lived with him), and this put DH in the middle of us all the time. This was a serious problem in our relationship for awhile, because it was so hard for DH to choose his loyalty. On one hand, it was his *brother* and on the other hand, I was his gf of a year. I ended up choosing to ignore him and not talk to DH about it because I saw the emotional toll it was having on him.Eventually, his brother realized that I wasn’t going anywhere, ever. We have since made up and are now really close.
I know this is a different situation from the one you are in… but I look at it like your SO just didn’t want to upset his brother or the balance in his relationship. He did it out of respect for him. Obviously family is important to him, and I would actually see that as a positive thing.
The most you can do now is enjoy being his girlfriend a little longer, because soon you will be engaged. You know he wants to marry you, so if the end game is the same no matter what, why upset him and hurt your FBIL and FSIL in the process? Like PPs said, it’s not a competition – but he chose to respect his brother’s wishes, so I would just respect his.