Post # 1
My brother’s wedding is fast approaching and of course Fiance is invited. I’m not going to get into the details but basically Fiance cannot stand to be around my Future Sister-In-Law. He really just does not like her (and well to be honest neither do I). I asked Fiance a few months ago if he would come to my brother’s wedding and he said he would. I know he’s doing it for me and I appreciate it.
I assumed that when he said he would be attending, it would be for the ceremony and the reception. But it turns out he won’t be coming to the ceremony since he’ll be at work at that time. So he’ll make it just in time for cocktails/reception. I told him that I’m disappointed because I want him to be there with me at the ceremony. In our culture, the ceremony is very elaborate and it’s a very special part of the wedding, so I want him there. He admitted that he really preferred to just minimize the amount of time he is spending at the wedding, and while he would do anything for me, being at the ceremony makes him uncomfortable. He promised to be there right after the ceremony.
I don’t know I just feel bummed about this because I feel that so many people will be wondering why he didn’t come to the ceremony and asking me about it. I know that if I really pressed Fiance on this issue, he would show up–but at the same time I really don’t want him to do it and be so uncomfortable there.
Please give me advice on whether to just let this go, or to have another talk with him on how important it is to me.
Post # 3
i’d say press the issue, as the ceremony is the whole POINT of the day, to me skipping the ceremony and going to the reception is rude
Post # 4
I think your feelings are totally justified here. Regardless of how you feel about their future spouse, a sibling’s wedding is a huge important family event.
Have you tried to sit him down and tell him how important his presence is to you? I also think you should help him understand how this may negatively impact his relationship with the rest of your family (his future ILs). I don’t think you’d be out of line at all for insisting that he attend because it’s important to you and your family. So what if he’s a little uncomfortable, we all sometimes do things we don’t enjoy for the person we love.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Talk to him again about how important the ceremony is to you, and how important it is in your culture (if you are from different cultures, maybe he doesn’t realize how much this means to your family?). I would also be disappointed and probably frustrated if my Fiance were trying to slink away from something that means so much to myself and my family, especially when he will be a part of my family in the future.
Post # 7
I think it’s very hard to be in the middle of things and I wouldn’t press the issue TOO hard, because you are basically asking your fiance to place your “comfort” level (i.e. what will other people think of him when he shows up just for the reception) above his own comfort level, and that is a very difficult decision to force on someone. And in the grand scheme of things, it;’s a choice between not giving Aunt Martha something to gossip about in exchange for having an unhappy man standing there for the ceremony.
I would explain to him that it is important to you for him to attend the ceremony but also acknowledge his feelings, and let him decide.
Post # 8
It would piss me off but… Is there a reason he would be uncomfortable? You mentioned in your culture that the ceremony is elaborate– do you think that it is the cultural differences making him uncomfortable?
Post # 9
I wouldn’t press the issue, even he he would attend the ceremony, he may resent you afterwards, and during, you don’t want that. While I agree the people who just attend the reception are rude, many people do this, your Fiance has to work, I’m sure your family will understand.
Post # 10
This is tough… I do agree that a ceremony is a huge part of the day (and the “meat and potatoes” of it all!!). It seems like he’d rather be there for that and then not have to deal with socializing with your Future Sister-In-Law instead of the other way around, does he get along with the rest of your family? I think you need to really decide if it bothers you, and if this is something that you want to push. If it’s something that will cause a family rift, then push it. If it’ll just be a blip on the radar and nobody will care/will understand that he is getting out of work as early as possible but unfortunately he didn’t make it in time for the ceremony, then go with what he can live with.
Post # 11
while the ceremony is the most important thing I also feel like its awkward to be at a ceremony where you do not support the marriage. I wouldnt want people at my wedding who did not like me or support my marriage. Even if it was family. I know ill be in the minority here. although I probably would not go to the reception either if this was the case. But I can see where your Fiance probably does not think this is a worthy reason to miss work at all if he does not even like the idea of being at the wedding in general, including the reception. its up to you if you are going to push the issue but personally I wouldn’t. But again I seem to be in the minority
Post # 12
In response to some of your questions, Fiance and I are from the same culture so it is not the cultural issues that are making him uncomfortable. And yes, he does get along fine with my parents. My father is of the opinion that Fiance should be given the option of attending the ceremony, and not be required. My mom thinks it would be nice for him to attend, but didn’t seem upset that he won’t be coming.
The main reason Fiance does not want to attend the ceremony is twofold: he originally thought he wouldn’t have to be at the wedding until 6pm–so he is actually working until 5pm that day and can’t really get out of that commitment now. When I pressed him and said that I thought he had taken the whole day off for the wedding–he explained to me that he really didn’t want to interact much with Future Sister-In-Law. I know if he had it his way he wouldn’t come to the wedding at all. But he is coming because of me.
I won’t get into the history of what happened with Fiance and FSIL–but basically, years ago when Fiance and I first met Future Sister-In-Law tried to tell my brother that he wasn’t good for me and that I should be warned. She didn’t know anything about him–but he had dated her cousin briefly and they had broken up. Since that time, Fiance really has disliked her. And to be honest….even I don’t want to be at the ceremony! But I’m going for my brother’s sake.
Post # 13
also your feelings on this are equal to his so he has every right to act accordingly while still trying to be respectful of how you feel. I think a comprimise has already been made in regards to this. His reason is also due to work which isn’t just him choosing not to go to the ceremony just because he doesn’t feel like it. More and more I feel like this should be left alone. I do hope you guys find a resolution though 🙂 good luck.
Post # 14
Relationships are about compromise. I would not press the issue and just appreciate the fact that he will be there for the latter part.
I do sympathize with you though since he will be missing the most special and meaningful part. Hugs!
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
@violet25: Based on what you said, especially about your parents not minding, I would talk to him one more time (non-confrontationally) and let him know how much you’d like him to be there, but if he refuses again, let it go. Work is a pretty good excuse in case anyone wonders where he is!
Post # 16
If I were your Future Sister-In-Law, I would rather someone not come at all than skip the ceremony and come for the reception. It’s incredibly rude to skip the whole marriage part of the wedding and only come for the reception/party.