Post # 17
I would have another conversation with him honestly. Its one day out of his life.
I’m not a fan of my sisters boyfriend (father of my nephew) and my husband isn’t a fan of his brothers wife but you know what…its family. While your Fiance doesn’t have to get along with her there is going to have to come a point where he has to deal with her anyway. You can’t really escape family so why make it miserable for yourself and others involved. Thats just my way of looking at those scenarios where i have to spend time with those i don’t care for. I don’t go out of my way to be friendly but I don’t go out of my way to be rude either. Its one day ya know? and its not like he is going to be spending much time with her anyway…Its her wedding…she will have wayy to many other people to talk to.
Post # 18
Actually, in our culture it’s not really considered rude to skip the ceremony, It is usually a formality to invite just the VERY close family and friends to the ceremony. So in reality, the ceremony consists of only 50-60 people, while the wedding will have 200 total.
Mainly, I want FI there to be with me–not because I don’t want to risk offending family.
Post # 19
So rude to come to only the reception when you were invited to the ceremony too. Either he does the whole thing or shouldn’t bother showing up at all.
ETA: just saw your ceremony update – I still think he should be there for both.
Post # 20
Now I really don’t know what to do. Based on the comments above, some people think I have to consider his feelings and be happy that he is willing to come to part of it for me. Other people say he has to come to the ceremony too.
Is it right to have him come to the ceremony only to make ME feel better while he is left feeling uncomfortable?
Post # 21
Maybe you can start by thinking about what you would expect yourself to do if the situation were reversed. Would you go because it was important to him? Or would you expect him to accept that you didn’t want to go? The answers to these probably depend on the dynamic of your relationship. It wouldn’t be fair to expect him to do something you wouldn’t do for him. But it’s also not really fair for him to not care about how important this is to you. Obviously you can’t make him go, but maybe you can talk to him again and without pressuring him explain how much this means to you and why.
Post # 22
If the situation was reversed, I would go in a heartbeat to support him–despite any reservations I had.
Post # 23
Unfortunately both answers are equally “right” and “wrong.”
It’s “right” that he come to the ceremony to be by your side, because you asked. It’s right that he put you first.
It’s also “right” that you let him out of this commitment in respect for his feelings. It’s right that you put him first.
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer here. The two of you have to decide together if the benefits of his being there for you at the ceremony outweigh the displeasure he will bear by having to be there, or vice-versa. The very nice thing you have on your side is that your immediate family is not up in arms over it— they are, after all, the parents of the groom and while FSIL’s feelings are a big factor, your parents’ feelings may be even more important. If your parents can accept his decision either way, then that take pressure off of you to decide based on anyone else– just decide what is best for you!
Post # 24
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
Exactly: I don’t think you’d be out of line at all for insisting that he attend because it’s important to you and your family. So what if he’s a little uncomfortable, we all sometimes do things we don’t enjoy for the person we love.
Forget about Future Sister-In-Law for a minute, this is your BROTHER’S wedding. This isn’t a cousin or distant relative, so yes, your future husband should make every effort to be there. I understand his (and your) reasoning for not liking Future Sister-In-Law, but unfortunately, you’re both going to have to put up with her. She’s going to be at family gatherings, etc. Is Fiance not going to come to Thanksgiving if Future Sister-In-Law hosts one year?
This is FI’s FBIL’s wedding- he really should be at the ceremony.
Post # 25
After your update, I personally wouldn’t push him to come to the ceremony. Sounds like I’m the odd one out, but I’m encouraging some of my friends to skip our ceremony and just come to the reception– we’re religious and they aren’t, so I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable! I have no issue with someone skipping the ceremony to come celebrate with me, I’m sure I will be in my own little world at my ceremony so I don’t think I’ll notice!
Post # 26
…..he explained to me that he really didn’t want to interact much with Future Sister-In-Law.
How much interaction will he really have with Future Sister-In-Law during the ceremony?Unless he’s part of the bridal party, Future Sister-In-Law probably won’t even know he’s there – so there’s no interaction. He should attend to support your brother, you and your family.
I understand in your culture, it’s not considered rude to skip the ceremony…I’ve been to a few weddings that had a very small ceremony but a huge reception – and that’s perfectly fine. But to skip it because he doesn’t like his Future Sister-In-Law is a little (sorry to be blunt)….lame?
Have a non-confrontational talk with him. Maybe he doesn’t realize how hurt his decision is.
ETA: if after you talked with him and he’s still adamant about not going to the ceremony…I wouldn’t push the issue. At least he’s going to part of it.
Post # 27
I would cut him some slack. He’s already attending part of the wedding of people he can’t stand and he’s got a legit excuse for not coming to the ceremony. If anyone gets their panties in a wad because he is not there, just explain that he is working and can’t come. No big deal, but my culture is way more laid back, so I might be viewing things differently here.
Post # 28
To those suggesting that I talk to him again, what would be the best way to bring this up to him again without sounding pushy?
Post # 29
I think his excuse of not wanting to be around your Future Sister-In-Law is totally missing the point. He should be at the ceremony to support you and your brother, his future family.
The whole point of a wedding (IMO) is the ceremony, the reception is just a party to celebrate and I think it’s rude to skip the ceremony and only show up for the reception ESPECIALLY if you’re part of the family. And he’s engaged to you, so that’s family.
I would be concerned he’d pull this kind of BS at every family event. Your Future Sister-In-Law is going to be Christmas, Thanksgiving, future kids birthday parties, she’ll be your kids Aunt. He needs to start learning how to put on a fake smile and be there for you.
Post # 30
you should have another talk with him—it’s disrespectful for him to skip the ceremony
Post # 31
If this were me, I can’t imagine my husband skipping my brother’s wedding, no matter how much he might dislike my FSIL. He is a little uncomortable? Seriously,he needs to just deal with it. This is your family, he is going to be part of your family. He needs to suck it up, put on his big boy pants, and go. And not complain or make you feel bad. If I were your brother I would be VERY offended.
I am pretty surprised your parents are so ok with this.