(Closed) Disappointed in FI–am I overreacting?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I have another talk with him or let it go?

    talk to him again

    let it go

  • Post # 33
    744 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Don’t be upset. He’s going to be at the reception. I would not push at all. He has the right to not want to be around your Future Sister-In-Law. 

    He’s compromising by coming to the reception. You should compromise by understanding his feeling on not attending the ceremony. It does suck, but he’s not doing this to hurt you. Your parents aren’t going to be bothered by it. And if anyone else asks, tell them he has to work and can’t get out of it (which is the truth).

    Post # 35
    1212 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    He’s your Fiance right? Your family will be his family. 

    Tell him to suck it up because sometimes you have to do things for family that you don’t want to.

    ETA: Obviously you should say it in a nicer way than I did just now. But the basic idea still holds.

    Post # 36
    487 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    @violet25:  Start off your conversation with “I’ve been thinking about …”, “I’d like to talk about …” or “I want to have a better understanding as to why you want to skip the ceremony”. Don’t be confrontational, try to listen to his reasons and consider them, don’t interrupt, let him get it all out. If his answers upset you more, tell him that you need time to consider his point of view then walk away, think about it and then revisit the subject when you’re not angry.

    On a personal note, if I made by husband go to every event he didn’t want to go to, he’d be a pouty ass and I’d be kicking myself for making him go.

    Post # 37
    3884 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    View original reply
    @violet25:  Just be honest, but also be respectful of his feelings and also acknowledge them. “Honey, I know how you feel about Future Sister-In-Law, and I honestly don’t blame you for that. My parents don’t have any strong feelings either way, but for my brother and for me, we’d really like to have you there for the ceremony.  Would you reconsider? Is there anything we can do to make it more tolerable for you?”  And be willing to work with him on those “anything we can do” type things— if he says he’ll go but he wants to wait to enter the ceremony till the very last minute, be cool with that.

    Post # 38
    10354 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    View original reply

    I feel really hurt about this whole thing and it’s like Fiance just expect me to be OK with it.  I don’t think he realizes how upsetting this is to me.  I don’t know how effective another talk will be.

    Sounds like you aren’t communicating with him very well. Take this opportunity to let him know how it is effecting you. Also, he won’t even have to interact with her at the ceremony – so him not liking her is not even an excuse for that!

    Post # 39
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I’m guessing that Fiance knows that attending the ceremony is important to you.  Yet, he made the decision to not show up until later.  Because of that, I’d drop it.  I get that people will ask – to which you respond:  “he couldn’t get out of work, but will be here later”

    My DH would totally pull this type of thing – and I’ve realized that it’s much more pleasant to do things solo than to worry about dragging him along to things and him being miserable.  It sounds like his compromise is the reception and he feels like he can manage that.

    If, however, there is a way he can still get out of work, you might want to have a discussion with him about if there is anyway he would reconsider because you are still having a hard time going to the ceremony alone.  Let the decision ultimately be his, though…. and then support it whole-heartedly.

    Post # 42
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    View original reply
    @violet25:  I totally understand when you say:  

    But that doesn’t guarantee that he will be happy there–and let me tell you he is bad at hiding discomfort, which in turn will lead to my unhappniess!!!

    Because of that – I would strongly suggest keeping things as-is.  You are right, in the sense he is probably making a bigger deal about it in his head – but, I’d give him a pass on it. He’s not completely abandoning the affair, but doing what he feels comfortable with.  If he goes, you are going to be sensing his every emotion and that will be miserable in itself.  There is no ideal ‘win’ to this situation.  I think you go solo to the ceremony and make the most of it.  Forcing Fiance to be there or guilt him into it, isn’t the way to go, IMO. 

    If you really want to talk to him about it again – I’d broach it like:  “I can’t stop thinking about the wedding ceremony; is there anyway you would reconsider going to the ceremony? It would mean a lot to me if you were with me.” – and leave it at that.

    Post # 43
    2861 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    What’s the big deal? He doesn’t want to go so let him go to work and show up later. I don’t get why you would force him into something he doesn’t want to do for no real reason. 

    Post # 44
    6003 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2019 - City, State

    OP you said it yourself, even if he goes he’s going to be unhappy so why even push it? And to top it off you also said it yourself that if he goes he is not very good at hiding his discomfort or unhappiness which will lead to your unhappiness. Sounds to me like nothing good can come of you pushing the issue since even if you get him to go it probably won’t make either of you happy. Seems like a dead end to me and like the best compromise has already been found.

    Post # 46
    2695 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2008

    I am honestly shocked how many people on here say to let it go. It’s your brother!!! The man who is going to be your husband, should be there.  He can be a little uncomfortable for you and your family.  

    Tell him it’s important to you,that you understand how he feels, but your brother is important to you and you want the family situation to get better- and is will only make things more strained. Tell him to fake it if he has to.  

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