(Closed) Disappointed in FI–am I overreacting?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Should I have another talk with him or let it go?

    talk to him again

    let it go

  • Post # 47
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    A wedding IS the ceremony.  The rest is just a celebration of the ceremony having taken place, so I would rather have him by my side.

    Post # 48
    5278 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2009

    I am from the school of thought that this is one day, you arn’t asking him to spend a week with your Future Sister-In-Law that he doesn’t like. 

    The fact is this woman is marrying your brother, she is family. Your Fiance is marrying you, he is family. What is going to happen when there are family gatherings like holidays, get togethers, etc? Is he not going to go? 

    For a really long time I didn’t get along with my in-laws, but I would never be abset at a family function, esp a wedding ceremony. If my SO feels that something is so very important, I compromise and make it important for me to be present as well.  

    Post # 49
    28 posts

    OP, won’t these family friends be at the reception? They’ll be able to meet your Fiance there. They may wonder why your Fiance isn’t there to begin with, but that won’t last very long.

    If your Fiance is bad at hiding his discomfort, other people will probably also sense it. They may have a bad impression of him, they may think you two are fighting, etc. First impressions are important, so if it’s their first time meeting him, that would color their opinion of him. Wouldn’t it better if they met him at the reception where he will feel more comfortable?

    I agree with PP that a compromise is needed here. A compromise is when both parties make some kind of concession so that both parties get most of the things they want. For him to go to both ceremony and reception woudn’t be a compromise. He wouldn’t get what he wants which is minimizing his time at the wedding. 

    Post # 51
    28 posts

    View original reply
    @violet25: No I don’t think it would be such a bad thing for you to ask again. A lot of PP gave some good suggestions on how you could ask him. Your own example that you posted upthread was also good. But I do think that after you ask him again, leave it up to him to make the decision and accept whatever it is.

    Post # 52
    128 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I would be upset at the situation myself but we can’t always get our way. Dangit! LOL.

    I say drop it. He has already explained to you the reason why he will not be attending. Pick your battles. Keep this in mind from now on and into the future. I would only press the issue if Fiance didnt have a good enough reason or no reason at all. You should be willing to let it go so that he does feel comfortable because that is important after all.

    Post # 53
    1685 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I see both points – kind of…

    I feel like all of your reasons for wanting him there really have nothing to do with your brother, but are because you’re worried of what people will think.  I don’t think that’s the right reason to pressure him into a situation he really doesn’t feel comfortable with.  The people you are so worried about judging you will see him in a few hours and know he didn’t ‘ditch’ you, and if they’re those kind of people that would sit at someone elses wedding ceremony and gossip about you – who cares what they think anyways?  I don’t mean to be rude at all OP – but I think it’s kind of irrational or maybe self absorbed to think that guests at someone elses wedding ceremony will be worried about you or your Fiance.

    I do think that since he won’t have to talk to her, he really could just suck it up for a few hours of his life.  I think from your posts though that he doesn’t really understand how much you want him there.  If you haven’t told him it’s hurting you, he doesn’t know.  If I knew my Fiance was this upset, I would go – regardless of liking the bride or not.  However, if you think he has a good reason for hating your Future Sister-In-Law that much, perhaps you should also think about letting it slide so that he’s not just as upset or more upset than you are right now.  It goes both ways.  

    Also, I don’t see it as rude that someone not go to the ceremony.  Sometimes people can’t make the ceremony, and at least they showed up to celebrate.  No one else knows that it isn’t that he can’t get out of work but you, it would be different if he didn’t have an ‘excuse’ and he just didn’t show – we know that he doesn’t want to, but will anyone else? I am personally letting people I don’t even care about attending my wedding off the hook and letting them know they can show up for dinner.  If Future Sister-In-Law doesn’t like your Fiance, she won’t care if he’s at the ceremony or not. 

    If your brother and Fiance are close and your brother is truly upset he can’t be there, that’s a different story

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