Post # 1
My Maid/Matron of Honor is my cousin. She has been the closest thing I’ve ever had to a sister (I grew up with 5 boys and met her when we were just babies). I thought it was natural to ask her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor in March when we started planning the wedding. When I asked her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor I specifically said ‘I know you are about to have your first child, so if you say no because you don’t think you can commit I understand’. She said she would and at that time didn’t have a job, so her answer included ‘I’m at home all day anyway, I have a lot of time’. Since the planning has commenced and we are 38 days away from my wedding date, she has done very little. She passed along the planning of my bachelorette party to 2 of my other BM’s, because she ‘didn’t know enough about Vegas’. She didn’t help with sending out invitations and hasn’t been to see my venue yet. I’ve relied on all of my other BM’s to help me because I simply can’t do everything myself. In a few days we are going to leave for our Vegas trip (we are driving), and she said she can’t leave until noon because she wanted to spend time with her son on his first Thanksgiving (which I completely understand). The remaining 7 of us are all agreed on the departure time. We have been planning this for months and now that it is right around the corner, she says this situation is ‘getting irritating’. I tried to explain that my mom is flying out and gets in (Vegas) at 9am, and understands we are going to be later than she is, but not by much. When I tried to explain this to my Maid/Matron of Honor she said ‘your mom is a grown ass woman, she can take care of herself’, I shot back with ‘but she’s going out there for me and a whole day will be wasted if we get in at 9pm’. She then went on to explain about wanting to be with her family and son on Thanksgiving. I’m thinking about demoting her. I can’t continue to babysit every move I make and hope its ok with her. Plus, she hasn’t bought her bridesmaid dress or shoes yet. I will want her in the wedding, but I’m going to need someone who will be there for me. With all of this weighing on me since last night, I checked my Evite for the rehearsal dinner and her reply was ‘I’m going to be really late because I don’t get off until 5 and am downtown’. She is a vital part of this wedding, but treats it more like an obligation than a privilege.
Post # 3
hmmm how about not having a moh? i understand her point of view and she is probably feeling bad about having to leave her hubby and baby on the very first holiday they have together. definitely let her know it’s okay if she doesn’t want to come and ask her when she plans on getting her dress etc… i think she may have said yes but not understood what an obligation motherhood is… i personally would have probably skipped the trip because i’d want to spend time with my family….
Post # 4
Hmmm, I don’t know exactly what to tell you because I can truly see both sides of this.
On the one hand, clearly she should have bought her dress already! And also ensured that she was going to be available for the rehearsal. And she seems to have been out of line calling your mom a “grown-ass woman.”
On the other hand, (and maybe since I’m a mom I have a different perspective), no way would I want to give up my first Thanksgiving with my child for anyone’s bachelorette party, Maid/Matron of Honor or not. If I were in the same position, I probably would have declined to go altogether. It’s also not her job necessarily to help out with invitations or go to the venue, so while I agree that it would be nice for a Maid/Matron of Honor to help out with those things, I don’t think you can expect it of a Maid/Matron of Honor, particularly not a new mom.
I think you both should sit down and talk with each other – and truly with open ears, too – before you take the drastic step of “demoting” her.
Post # 5
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
I understand your frustration but I can definitely understand her wanting to be with her family on Thanksgiving. To be honest, I would be surprised if she was willing to give up her son’s first Thanksgiving to go to your bachelorette party – I don’t think I would do that for anyone I know.
As far as the other stuff goes, have you tried talking to her about it and expressing your concern?
Post # 6
Well, first off, let me say that I’m incredibly sorry that you’re going through this – especially so close to your wedding! Have you had a heart-to-heart with her, including your expectations of her, and her expectations of the Maid/Matron of Honor duties? Truthfully, you did give her the “out” to say “no” because of her child, but I’m wondering if she really knew all you were expecting for her to do?
Aside from the vegas trip, I don’t think you can demote her so close to your wedding. That might have a long-term effect on the family, especially since you are cousins. Can you give her a deadline to get her shoes and dress? Offer to go with her? Ask her to help with small tasks (like putting stamps on the invitations), and also make her feel included? If she’s been married, ask for her opinion. Help her get more engaged in your wedding, and acknowledge how busy she is.
Best of luck -hang in there! And congrats on your upcoming wedding!!
Post # 7
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
Don’t demote her; that will lead to more drama that you probably don’t need. If you need to change things, just promote someone else–a co-MOH. Unless she’s making you totally crazy and you never want to talk to her again, I’d just not mess with it.
Post # 8
Oh man. That sucks. I’m sorry she has put you in such a situation! *HUGS* It sounds like she isn’t taking her position seriously. And while it’s a little late in the game, I think you should have a serious talk with her about her attitude toward your big day. She hasn’t even bought dress and shoes yet! Eeek! (We’re date twins, btw!) I would def be freaking out about that.
Has she been married? Does she understand how stressful this time is for you/any bride? I don’t know how you feel about letting her off the hook for the Bachelorette party, but would def think about it. What will you do if she doesn’t find the time to buy the dress and shoes? This is a crappy situation and I’m sorry, but I think talking with her about it, is going to be the only way to get it resolved.
Post # 9
I am sorry you feel this way so close to your wedding. As a mom myself, I sympathize with your cousin. If it were me, I would choose not to go at all, rather than to miss it.
I think you should talk to her. Perhaps this first year (or even months) as a mother were harder than she expected when she accepted the role of Maid/Matron of Honor. Maybe she IS doing the best that she can do, but if you haven’t talked to her yet, you don’t know. Could it be she’s still hoping to loose baby weight before buying her dress, or could it be she doesn’t have the money?
For me, I think the role of Maid/Matron of Honor is something that you give to someone because of the role they play my your life — not the assignments I would plan on giving them as a requirement of being a part of my wedding.
If demoting her will make you feel better then that is an option, however it will likely cause more drama. I think the best bet would be to talk to her about your frustration, and find a way to move forward that will be the most drama-free way. Hugs! It will be okay!
Post # 10
I agree with Curly Dreamer’s response 100%. To be honest, I would just let it go. Call her up and tell her that you would for love her to come, but that you understand that her family comes first. If she can make it, you guys are leaving at X time on X date. If not, she is welcome to find her own transportation and join you later in the weekend, and if she can’t make it at all then you totally understand that too.
I had a bridesmaid who was travelling to my wedding with a 2 yr old and a newborn and just the traveling was such a hardship for her. I think it’s difficult to imagine for those of us who don’t have kids. In the end I told her she could show up in my wedding in pijamas, I didn’t care I just really wanted her there. Thankfully she showed up in the dress but my point is, the important thing is that a person you love that is like a sister to you will be there to support you on your day. The rest is just details. Good luck 🙂
Post # 11
I don;t think it’s fair to expect your Wedding Party to help with your planning or prep. That should be on your and your Fiance, maybe your parents. Bridesmaids are not wedding planners.
She may be overwhelmed with motherhood. When was the last time you talked to her about something not related to your wedding?
Post # 12
i guess im the only one that feels this way, but you are way out of line. sorry.
you seem most upset that she wont be at the back party. did you seriously expect her to leave her infant son on thanksgiving to hang out with her girlfriends in vegas. if i was in her position, i would have just told you no from the start AND been extremely offended that you would pick such a family centric day to have your party.
also, its not your bridal partys job to help plan your wedding. sure, their help would come in handy, but they have lives of their own. during this planning process, was your Maid/Matron of Honor pregnant? did you expect a 8 month pregnant woman to help plan your wedding?
im sorry if i sound harsh, but you sound so selfish in your post. i dont think you should risk ruining a decades long friendship because she isnt making you her first priority. have you gone over to babysit? have you called and asked how you can help her? im sure being a new mother is overwhelming. and think your expectations were way too high for a pregnant Maid/Matron of Honor.
Post # 13
I think being only 38 days from your wedding you are almost at a point where itd be very bad to demote her. She is your cousin and you asked her for a reason. I understand you told her you’d understand if she couldnt because of her new baby but you also knew going into it that it was an option.
I do have to say Im a bit surprised you are having your bachelorette party on Thanksgiving. Its great that the rest of your maids and your mom are able to make it but if it were me, I wouldnt be going to Vegas on Thanksgiving, Id be with my family. If she can leave at noon, Id take it. Can she drive up separately or maybe one other girl can drive with her later?
She shouldve gotten her dress already, I think you should sit down and talk to her about how you are feeling. Let her know a date she needs to get the dress by (and remind her she might need time for alterations). All in all, you guys are cousins and I dont think its worth risking your friendship and family by demoting her.
Post # 14
I was disapointed with my Maid/Matron of Honor and BMs. They did virtually nothing to help me prepare for the wedding. I was half surprised when they actually made it to the rehearsal and the wedding!
Post # 15
Thank you for the insightful comments, I will definitely take them into consideration. I was a little offended by Future Mrs. Morgan, but I did put this out for a reason. I guess I didn’t explain all the way how our relationship has been and the things that I have done for her (being a single mother and all), I’ve babysat for her, picked up her mail, taken out the trash, cleaned her house… and she wines to her mom when she won’t babysit the little guy when she wants to go out drinking. I guess I just didn’t think that it would be that big of a deal. However, I should just give her the out on the Vegas plans and not be so stressed about the whole thing. I know my girls aren’t there to plan the wedding but when they say ‘I’ll do anything you need me to do, and I’ll be there when you need me’ I kind of got my hopes up thinking they would follow through… big stress time!
Post # 16
Yeah, it is stressful to havde bridesmaids say they will be there when in reality they arent. If it makes you feel better i get married in 19 days and my third bridesmaid has yet to get her dress. I dont have high expectations since all my bm are out of town, but i am very sensitive to the fact that my (and also yours) wedding is during the holidays and its a time for family and i think maybe if she hasnt got her dress in time, just go with all bridesmaids no moh and fyi i was late to my best friends wedding because she had it right when i got off and she still understood… so maybe you should be a little more understanding but i def can see why youre mad, because it sounds like what im going through