Post # 1
I’ve having a hard time dealing with how involved my grandmother will be on the actual day of my wedding. A little background first: when I was 12 years old my mother was in a bad accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury. Doctors told us she would not be able to walk, talk, or function normally, she would most likely be a vegetable if she survived at all. 11 years later and I am blessed to say not only has she done all these things she has thrived beyond our highest expectations. But it has been a long and rough road and it would never have happened if it had not been for the two angels on earth that are my grandparents, especially my grandma, the hardest working most selfless person I know. Since the accident my mom has always been first in my grandmas life. She is very possessive of her, cannot stand if she is paying attention to anyone else, and usually requires all of her attention. She also hates being in large groups or parties due to anxiety and will immediately begin to asing my grandma every 5 minutes(literally) if they can leave. Now all these behaviors are not something she can help. My whole family loves my mother to pieces and will do anything for her. we’ve accepted that grandma will not always be able to attend functions for long if at all and that mom will be first. But I really want my grandma to myself on my wedding day. Ive always had a strained relationship with my dad and my grandpa passed last year. Shes my only real parent left as well as being the person in the world I have and will always be closest to besides my soon to be husband. I offered to have a family friends stay with my mom so my grandma could be with me while I get ready, during our very brief ceremony, and about an hour or so into the reception, then my friend would bring my mother to the reception to hang out with all of us until she is ready to go. That way my gram could relax and enjoy herself and we could spend private time together. But my grandma has refused, because she is worried my mother will feel left out. I completely understand where she is coming from but I just can’t help feeling extremely dissapointed. I hate the way I feel about this because I know just how close I came to not having my mom at my wedding and that there are plenty of brides who have neither mom nor grandma or supportive family at all! One of the main reasons I’m writing this is to try to channel the feelings out in a healthier manner instead of bottling them up. I just hate knowing that I won’t have her, and that my grandmother will not be able to enjoy her last granddaughters wedding due to taking care of my mom. I then offered to have her bring my mom along while I am getting ready but she and I both know this isn’t going to work out. My mother is going to become very anxious and upset before the wedding even begins and will have to leave right after the ceremony. I’m dealing with it as best I can but every time I see a picture of a bride with her mom or grandmother buttoning up her dress or sitting by her side while she is getting her makeup done I start to tear up. Theres so many ppl who are way worse off than me and I hate having these feelings but no matter what i do. I guess I needed to vent this out more than I realized. Sorry for the length I started and just could stop
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
What a difficult situation! Have you told your grandma how much it means to you to have a parental figure by your side, at least for a little bit, knowing that your mother will get anxious and need to leave quickly? If your grandma is adamant about staying by your mother’s side, that is indeed disappointing and I’m so sorry things need to be like that. But if you haven’t told her what you’ve just told us, I strongly urge you to do so.
Post # 4
I have tried, and have thought she might agree with me but it always comes back to her origional decision. The wedding is still 3 months away, and I plan on trying again at least once. The hardest part is I do not want to have resentful feelings towards her or my mom on my wedding day. Getting the feelings off my chest in the post already feels like an incredible relief. I cant complain about my gram to anyone who knows her because she does so much for everyone they always lean towards her side, which is perfectly understandable, I do it myself when the roles are reversed. I just needed to put my feelings out there more than anything, thank you elysion for the suggestion and support I really appreciate it
Post # 5
What time is your wedding? Is there anyway you could have a private breakfast morning of with mom and grandma, to make both feel involved and then while you are getting ready have a different family member take mom out to a long lunch and help her get ready for the wedding so you and grandma can get you ready?
what is your ceremony reception like? Some churches have a balcony or an alcove or somewhere secluded where they could watch together in a special spot away from other guests so she doesn’t feel so crowded or nervous. That way they can still be there and you know exactly where so you can look over at them at anytime during.
And during the reception, is there anyway an aunt/uncle/cousin could whisk her away for a bit when she starts getting fidgety to run an errand? Like to pick up a present they ‘forgot’ or to pick up a ‘special surprise’ for you so she can get a break from crowds and you could get quality time with grandma?
I know it is not quite the same as having grandma be with you all day but then both a would be there, and feel included.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry both for your mom’s accident and for the difficult situation you’re in on your wedding day. I can completely understand where you’re coming from. And this is coming from a girl who’s mom died and won’t be at my wedding. I think you are totally justified in being a bit disappointed that you may not have a mother-type figure to rely on during your wedding day prep. You are being honest, not selfish. While it would be selfish to demand your grandmother’s presence, I think it would be dishonest to not let her know how much you want her there. She still may turn you down, but she deserves to know how important it would be to you. I wonder if it would be possible to have your mom in a separate room, away from the people and bustle and wedding craziness, but close by so that your grandmother could go back and forth between the two of you? This would also mean that you could spend a few minutes here and there with your mom while still getting ready and, hopefully, not getting her too overwhelmed. And I would also recommend having some other close girl friends around. It’s not the same, but it’s nice to have support in whatever form you can get it.
Post # 7
Thanks for the support guys! I really like the breakfast idea soontobeemrsb and having a separate room for my mom Jengirl, both great ideas to not only help me spend more time with my gram but help my mom feel more involved and not so stressed as well. Im going to call my gram after I get off work and see what she thinks, thanks again!
Post # 8
I think you should tell your grandma everything if you haven’t. About the feelings of resentment that you may have that you don’t want to. I understand her feelings toward your mom, but I also feel like perhaps it’s kind of selfish or wrong of her to put your mom first on this one special day of yours.
Surely someone else can take care of or ‘watch’ your mom on this day for her. It’s a difficult situation but it’s also one special day for you, and I think you deserve to have your grandma by your side after everything that you yourself have also had to deal with in this unfortunate sitiation.
Also, I’m so sorry for the accident and what your family has had to endure. On a much lesser scale, my family has had to deal with a stroke which has completely changed my uncle. We are a very close family and we are all coping with his different behaviour and personality as best we can. He needed to take medication to make it to my wedding due to severe anxiety problems that he can’t control. I understand partially how hard this must be for you.