(Closed) Disappointed with a few aspects of my engagement. It's breeding resentment.

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
780 posts
Busy bee

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bridaljenny :  i actually think its very sweet he wanted to purpose before your long weekend together. Bask in the love together all weekend. If you don’t have ppl for your side of the bridal party then a boat wedding seems even more great. Also he can have groomsmen and you don’t even need a side. I think it’s rude when a bride needs people as props to even side. 

Post # 17
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

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bridaljenny :  Hubs could have proposed with a ring pop while we feasted over thai takeout and I would have said yes.

Also, I think getting married on a cruise sounds fun! Man, that would have been way cheaper for us! lol

I think if you’re this upset about these issues, there are deeper problems in your relationship..

Post # 18
Member
2236 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m not going to jump onto the snark train because I think you have a few valid points:

– It was thoughtless of him to create the expectation that you have girls willing to stand beside you at your wedding to enable him to have the wedding party HE wanted, then turn around and decide – nevermind!

– There does seem to be a pattern of you communicating to him and him either not hearing you or “talking over you,” so to speak. Instead of validating your feelings/concerns.

I don’t think either of you is necessarily a “bad guy” here – you’re just approaching the whole proposal/wedding thing from different places, and need to get on the same page.

Your expectations are clearly higher than his – and so you’re coming across as entitled and bratty. That may not be your actual personality at ALL. It could just be a result of the fact that you expected more romance than the typical day, but didn’t communicate that to your Fiance (or you did, and he didn’t hear you or care.) And he wanted it to be like a typical day. Which was a let-down for you.

Did you communicate to him that you wanted him to put romantic effort into your proposal beforehand?

Are you communicating to him all the stress his wants are putting you under? 

Have you communicated your specific disappointments regarding his (from your perspective) casual approach to the proposal and wedding to him?

If you ARE communicating these things to him, how does he respond?

I think you’re right that there is a communication breakdown here, but without more information, it’s hard for us to tell where it’s coming from.

My Fiance specifically asked me how I wanted to be proposed to. Had I wanted something romantic and out of the ordinary, I would have taken that opportunity to communicate that expectation to him, and hopefully he would have followed through. Did your Fiance ever try to feel out your expectations regarding the proposal so that y’all could get on the same page?

As for wedding planning, things in your relationship seem a bit one-directional. Fi and I, we are constantly throwing out options and then feeling out how what we each think about it – neither of us dictates terms to the other. Did your Fiance dictate that you should get married on the cruise? Or was that just part of a bigger brainstorming session, and you’re just interpreting the suggestion as a serious plan?

Fiance and I throw out more casual options, too, when we’re feeling stressed, but we both understand it’s just brainstorming – one person isn’t trying to dictate to the other.

It’s easy to tell someone who is perfectly happy in their relationship to “focus on the marriage, not the superficial stuff.” But if the relationship itself is the problem, focusing on it isn’t going to help.

I would have been perfectly happy if Fiance proposed in our sweats in the kitchen on a Tuesday night and then eloped to the courthouse – but that’s because we are SO in love and our relationship is SO strong that that’s all I care about.

For someone who already feels unheard and steamrolled in their relationship, I can see how they would see all these casual approaches as just more slaps to the face.

Post # 19
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

At least both of you had clothes on when you got proposed to. 

 

I got a man in boxers and an inside out t shirt kneeling beside the bed where I was lounging in an oversized t shirt. 

And then I had to go to bed right after! Couldn’t even stay up to look at the ring

 

The nerve of these men! 😡 (<–sarcasm)

Post # 20
Member
854 posts
Busy bee

Edit: Too long, pointless.  

Are you sure this is the man you want to marry?  He seems to be sure about you, but you are getting hung up on the details. How is the rest of your relationship?

 

Post # 21
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
bridaljenny :  You vented to us, I hope you feel better. Now it is time to be an adult, if you don’t want to get married on a “damn boat” TELL HIM.

Focus on preparing for a “marriage” instead of the “unsuccessful proposal”.   

Also, what the hell are you going to do when the routine stuff sets in??? 

Adjust your thought process, don’t change who you are… Just pick your battles honey.

Post # 22
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My fiancé proposed to me after a long day of moving. I was sweaty, my hair was in a messy bun and I was wearing a tshirt and ripped jeans. We were toasting our new place with champagne his parents bought for us. There were no balloons. No flowers. No long speech. He said he loves me and before we toasted, he wanted to ask me if I would marry him. He didn’t get down on one knee. He presented me with a beautiful ring he picked out himself. I am grateful for every detail of that moment and I feel like the luckiest girl in the world to be marrying the love of my life. 

If you need balloons and flowers to feel what I felt in that simple, perfect moment…. maybe this is not the man for you. 

Post # 23
Member
701 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Could it be that he gave it a lot of thought after seeing how stressed you were, and it finally clicked for him “oh! the cruise!” I am a little more dense than most women, I think. I need to put a lot of thought into this type of thing, and often I come back later with the perfect solution. Could he be the same way? 

Post # 24
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Ususally I feel that the bees here are too harsh on these types of posts. The guy is like, “Fine, let’s get married, I guess. You’ve been nagging all year.” And bees are like, “be GRATEFUL you bitch. He asked didn’t he? What else do you want, spoiled brat??”

However, in this case, I fail to see what your Fiance did wrong? It wasn’t exactly what you envisioned, but he seemed sweet about it. And wasn’t the whole boat thing a way for him to spare you the anguish you’ve been feeling about finding bridesmaids? Am I missing something?

Post # 25
Member
2274 posts
Buzzing bee

Jeez I’m so hoping and praying that a “no balloons” proposal is the very worst thing that ever happens to you during a long and happy  marriage.

Oh wait, I missed the sorrow of being married on an already planned cruise. Who can deny the  kick in the stomach angst of that?

A perfect engagement requires a loving man, a desire to become part of a devoted team, and the ability to utter the word “yes”. All the rest is froofroo. And trust me, froofroo doesn’t keep your feet warm on a cold winter night. 

Good luck!

Post # 27
Member
879 posts
Busy bee

Once again, I’m shocked to see how mean so many comments are here. Take the criticism with a grain of salt because many of these women are the same ones who are in pain ‘waiting’ and are coming from a whole different mindset than you are. The comments about the balloons are especially mean-spirited. I’m thinking you were just demonstrating that you weren’t expecting a beachside proposal with individually pulled flower petals everywhere, just something that would have been a little bit different and special.

I can understand feeling disappointed that the proposal wasn’t what you hoped for. Someone above said that Disney does women a disservice by setting high expectations, and I definitely think that’s true. So do other women that we know and see sharing and oftentimes bragging about things on social media and in person. You can’t control those outside influences, but you can control how you react to them and try to adjust your expectations. Unfortunately, it would have been good to do that before the proposal, but now you need to try to do it after. It is important to remember that this man loved you and chose you. I can fully understand your frustration with him wanting to get married on a trip that you’ve already planned. I think you need to talk to him and be frank and honest. But be prepared that he may not like your thoughts, and you might not like his reaction.

Post # 28
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

^^ I agree. Just tell him that you thought getting married on a special trip would be nice rather than on a trip you already planned. I’m sure he wasn’t thinking, “eh, who cares? Let’s get it over with, it’s not that special.”

Post # 29
Member
7998 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Someone needs counseling for their issues here… but it isn’t him.

Post # 30
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2018 - Fremont, CA

He loves you and he proposed to you. If that does not make you feel special, you should ask yourself honestly why you need the frills when you got the essentials.

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