- 1 month ago
- Wedding: Shreveport, LA
Ok, so I have a different perspective that may be hard for many to understand; I still struggle myself with it. My engagement story is similar – we talked a lot about the ring I wanted, how I wanted to design it, no white stones, etc. Talked about when we’d get engaged (the following year) and how I wanted it to be private.
He proposed by surprise, at my job, with a second hand diamond ring that I hated. I hated almost everything about the proposal. And when we talked about the ring afterwards, he said it was temporary until we got the real one made. I was ok with temporary but still super angry and hurt that none of my wishes that we’d discussed had been included.
And a year later, he’d made zero effort to move forward with the permanent ring. I’d ask and he’d deflect. I’d schedule appointments at the jeweler and he’d be late. We were in therapy for general communication tips and I brought it up there. Turned out that he wasn’t prioritizing it because it wasn’t urgent, we were engaged so the deal was “done”, and he wasn’t able to see that I was hurt, deeply by it all.
Fast forward a bit and we learn that he has a significant case of ADHD. Inattentive type, not hyperactive. Undiagnosed his whole 40 years of living, but it made literally his whole life and much of our relationship become more clear. The inability to tend to my needs, show empathy, remember what we’d decided, etc was all part of the symptoms. His comments that sometimes felt rude were due to lack of the general social filters and cues that most people have.
Medication, therapy, exercise and other things help keep things in check but we delayed our wedding twice to really get a handle on things and for me to decide if this was something I still wanted to handle. Been married a year and it’s still a struggle but we’re working through it.
This is a long way of saying that it’s possible he’s a jerk, for sure. It’s also possible he has some neuro differences that are untreated and unmanaged so you’re experiencing the negative side of those symptoms. If you’re open to it, you might consider the book “Is it You, Me or Adult ADD” or “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. They both provide great examples of the classic symptoms and behaviors that are present in these cases and strategies for moving forward. An actual diagnosis would be required for medical treatment but behavioral changes can happen separately. I’ll note that some traditional couples therapy approaches can backfire badly when ADHD is present, so it’s worth exploring someone with experience in that area.
Sorry this is so long, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing all of this. It sounds really tough and I can relate a bit. I’ll also say that there’s no way I would have gotten married to him if we’d not gotten help, a diagnosis, and him getting treatment. And in that way, our marriage depends on him doing those things forever. So it’s never easy but it can still be good and fulfilling if both people are able to find a way.
Sending hugs and clarity your way.
I am not going to insult your fiance, but the way his actions are described in this post are both alarming and so immature. Calling your fingers ‘sausage fingers’ really? You guys discussed the whole ring thing over a matter of days and then he buys you a used ring from a pawn shop (NOTHING wrong with that, but it’s specifically something you didn’t want).
I have really no good advice to give you other than to say you are entitled to your feelings and your fiance wasn’t showing good jugment in this situation.
I feel like the advice you’re getting here is kinda harsh. It’s really easy to sit back and give advice like our lives are perfect and human beings are perfect, but the fact is nobody is perfect and no one’s life is perfect. There is no such thing as “should” because there is no such thing as normal.
Do not beat yourself up for loving someone who, through your words here, sounds like he thinks more of himself than you. This is an opportunity to communicate and an opportunity for him to learn more about you. Of course he is hurt, of course you are hurt. Now you talk it out and fix it.
Hoping the best for you. I’m not on team throw it out. Work it out. Marriage is a hell of a lot of work and if you threw them out every time he made a bonehead decision you would be throwing them all to the wind. Men are so stupid sometimes.
if he is beating you, degrading you, calling you vicious names more often than not and belittling you…throw him out. Otherwise, work it out.
OP… I think you need to find out why he chose to go to a pawn shop rather than just purchase what you had already shown him that you wanted online. I mean it would have been easier if time was a constraint as he claims. Maybe he was overwhelmed shopping on his own and said f*** it and just did his own thing. Not cool, especially since he asked what you wanted, but I think there needs to be a conversation about what happened and why. Obviously he may need some time first since you’ve already tried to talk to him. You are allowed to feel however you feel about any part of your life or relationship. I hate people saying someone should be grateful because others have less. You feel however you feel and never apologize for it
And I hope you told him you wished his **** was more of a sausage than a finger when he called your fingers sausages lol