Disappointed With Engagement Ring

posted 1 month ago in Rings
Post # 46
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Shreveport, LA

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noseynat :  Ah yes I want a gray moissanite in rose gold so bad!!! It will be my next ring! I hate to admit this but I have 12 sets only one diamond set, 6 moissanite sets, two morganite sets, and 3 gemstone sets…lol the obsession is real! Please start a thread when you make your choice so we can see it!

Post # 47
Member
4986 posts
Honey bee

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theweddingunplanner :  I must say that I agree, and that, OP, is what materialistic sounds like. I’m not going to lie, I’d be hurt as hell that my fiance got me a ring from a pawn shop. If you had both been looking at the pawn shop and you found a ring you *had* to have, it would be an entirely different situation. But in this case your fiance’s actions scream “I dont give a shit about you”.

Post # 48
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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kevinsbee :  My e-ring is grey moissanite and rose gold and it’s absolutely perfect to me! And I have others too but this is the one I designed and he purchased. Share yours if you get one!

Post # 49
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Ok, so I have a different perspective that may be hard for many to understand; I still struggle myself with it. My engagement story is similar – we talked a lot about the ring I wanted, how I wanted to design it, no white stones, etc. Talked about when we’d get engaged (the following year) and how I wanted it to be private. 

He proposed by surprise, at my job, with a second hand diamond ring that I hated. I hated almost everything about the proposal. And when we talked about the ring afterwards, he said it was temporary until we got the real one made. I was ok with temporary but still super angry and hurt that none of my wishes that we’d discussed had been included.

And a year later, he’d made zero effort to move forward with the permanent ring. I’d ask and he’d deflect. I’d schedule appointments at the jeweler and he’d be late. We were in therapy for general communication tips and I brought it up there. Turned out that he wasn’t prioritizing it because it wasn’t urgent, we were engaged so the deal was “done”, and he wasn’t able to see that I was hurt, deeply by it all. 

Fast forward a bit and we learn that he has a significant case of ADHD. Inattentive type, not hyperactive. Undiagnosed his whole 40 years of living, but it made literally his whole life and much of our relationship become more clear. The inability to tend to my needs, show empathy, remember what we’d decided, etc was all part of the symptoms. His comments that sometimes felt rude were due to lack of the general social filters and cues that most people have. 

Medication, therapy, exercise and other things help keep things in check but we delayed our wedding twice to really get a handle on things and for me to decide if this was something I still wanted to handle. Been married a year and it’s still a struggle but we’re working through it. 

 

This is a long way of saying that it’s possible he’s a jerk, for sure. It’s also possible he has some neuro differences that are untreated and unmanaged so you’re experiencing the negative side of those symptoms. If you’re open to it, you might consider the book “Is it You, Me or Adult ADD” or “The ADHD Effect on Marriage”. They both provide great examples of the classic symptoms and behaviors that are present in these cases and strategies for moving forward. An actual diagnosis would be required for medical treatment but behavioral changes can happen separately. I’ll note that some traditional couples therapy approaches can backfire badly when ADHD is present, so it’s worth exploring someone with experience in that area. 

Sorry this is so long, and I’m sorry you’re experiencing all of this. It sounds really tough and I can relate a bit. I’ll also say that there’s no way I would have gotten married to him if we’d not gotten help, a diagnosis, and him getting treatment. And in that way, our marriage depends on him doing those things forever. So it’s never easy but it can still be good and fulfilling if both people are able to find a way. 

Sending hugs and clarity your way. 

Post # 50
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Shreveport, LA

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biahmarie :  I love your ring! I’ve seen it posted and it’s so beautiful! I hope to get one soon.

Post # 52
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee

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penelope93 :  In my opinion, you definitely do not sound rotten! You are entitled to your feelings. 

I am not going to insult your fiance, but the way his actions are described in this post are both alarming and so immature. Calling your fingers ‘sausage fingers’ really? You guys discussed the whole ring thing over a matter of days and then he buys you a used ring from a pawn shop (NOTHING wrong with that, but it’s specifically something you didn’t want).

I have really no good advice to give you other than to say you are entitled to your feelings and your fiance wasn’t showing good jugment in this situation.

Post # 53
Member
220 posts
Helper bee

 

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biahmarie :  I just snooped on your history and found your ring and it’s BEAUTIFUL! The stone is such a gorgeous color, it looks like a grayish blue. So pretty! 

Post # 54
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2020

I feel like the advice you’re getting here is kinda harsh. It’s really easy to sit back and give advice like our lives are perfect and human beings are perfect, but the fact is nobody is perfect and no one’s life is perfect. There is no such thing as “should” because there is no such thing as normal.

Do not beat yourself up for loving someone who, through your words here, sounds like he thinks more of himself than you. This is an opportunity to communicate and an opportunity for him to learn more about you. Of course he is hurt, of course you are hurt. Now you talk it out and fix it. 

Hoping the best for you. I’m not on team throw it out. Work it out. Marriage is a hell of a lot of work and if you threw them out every time he made a bonehead decision you would be throwing them all to the wind. Men are so stupid sometimes. 

if he is beating you, degrading you, calling you vicious names more often than not and belittling you…throw him out. Otherwise, work it out. 

Post # 55
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

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sunburn :  I actually don’t mind if people consider me materialistic. I definitely am to a certain extent but hey my husband and I both work hard, we started with nothing, and it’s nice to reward ourselves. A ring is far from being the most important thing in the world, but to hold a lifelong meaning it requires a little effort. And if all her fiance can afford is a 50$ sterling silver cz, but he spends days looking for the nicest one he can get and it’s something that represents her style, then it’s a great ring to me. In Op’s situation it says more about how little he cares about her feelings. 

Post # 56
Member
4986 posts
Honey bee

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theweddingunplanner :  I was pointing out that I was materialistic too! I think everyone should be to an extent, and not to be is foolish. I truly wasn’t pointing fingers. 

My song was “Ain’t nothin going on but the rent” by Gwen Guthrie.

Post # 57
Member
502 posts
Busy bee

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sunburn :  I know you didn’t mean it in a  bad way. I personally think it’s ok to want certain things and work to get them, as long as we keep in mind that relationship and health of our lives ones are a priority. OP,  I really hope things get better for you, but use these warning signs to figure out where your relationship truly stands.

Post # 58
Member
8 posts
Newbee

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moissyrn :  Oh thank god, I was working my way down to comment this! It’s so incredibly easy to say “trash him” when it isn’t your partner and you’re life. 

 

OP… I think you need to find out why he chose to go to a pawn shop rather than just purchase what you had already shown him that you wanted online. I mean it would have been easier if time was a constraint as he claims. Maybe he was overwhelmed shopping on his own and said f*** it and just did his own thing. Not cool, especially since he asked what you wanted, but I think there needs to be a conversation about what happened and why. Obviously he may need some time first since you’ve already tried to talk to him. You are allowed to feel however you feel about any part of your life or relationship. I hate people saying someone should be grateful because others have less. You feel however you feel and never apologize for it  

 

And I hope you told him you wished his **** was more of a sausage than a finger when he called your fingers sausages lol 

Post # 59
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

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sarahlacebark :  “And I hope you told him you wished his **** was more of a sausage than a finger when he called your fingers sausages lol “

tongue-outlaughingcool Bahahhahaa

Post # 60
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

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noseynat :  Thank you so much! It definitely goes between blue and grey, which I love. 🙂

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