Post # 1
I feel so weird posting this here because everyone is always so positive about everything related to weddings and their fiance, I’m not sure how this will go over. But although I am completely in love with my fiance and can’t wait to marry him, I am very disappointed by the proposal. I really want to put my negative feelings behind me and get over it, but I don’t know how. So I’m wondering if anyone has been through anything similar and how they handled it.
I can’t get over how little thought my fiance put into the proposal and the selection of the ring. He proposed to me in front of his whole family at their house, and he knows I am not comfortable around them. I completely censored my reaction because I was so self-conscious of having them there. He didn’t prepare anything sweet to say about our relationship or why he wanted to marry me. I’m so sad that such a monumental moment in my life was completely not what I wanted, and I can’t go back and fix it. How do you deal with the proposal not living up to your expectations?
He chose the ring without so much as a thought to what I like (in fact he had an engagement ring picked out for his future wife before he even met me). The band is very masculine and wide with sharp edges, and I’m a girly girl and I love feminine, dainty jewelry. The diamond is huge because he likes people’s reaction to be "wow, it’s so huge!" (And this is EVERYONE’s reaction.) I am absolutely mortified by this reaction and don’t know how to handle it. I just blush beet red, change the subject and flip the diamond setting in toward my palm.
What I want to do is take the ring to a jeweller and have the band melted down and shaped into something I like. I can keep the stone but I just can’t stand the band. But despite my disappointment, I just can’t stomach the thought of hurting my fiance’s feelings by telling him I don’t like the ring he picked out. I don’t know how to talk to him about this without ruining the proposal for him too.
Should I just let it go and wear a ring I dislike for the rest of my life? Do these feelings fade over time? Or should I ask him if he would mind if I had the band redone? Any opinions are welcome, even if that opinion is "get over it, you selfish brat." If that’s the general consensus then I’ll know I’m being a bit childish about this.
Post # 3
Hmm. Your fiancee’s language of love is different from yours, that’s for sure! Put in another way, are you maybe a little too focused on the package and not the contents? Were you maybe so intent on getting a blue box that you are refusing to appreciate the red box he gave you?
Post # 4
I don’t think you should push your feelings aside. I would feel the exact same way. It doesn’t sound like you are focused on the package, it sounds like you just wish that he had put some thought into what you wanted. You have to wear it for the rest of your life so I think you should get something that you will be happy with. Your idea sounds good because you are still using the original band that he bought for you but now it can be a mixture of the two of your tastes.
When my sister got engaged she didn’t like the ring and the two of them went shopping together to exchange for a new one. I feel that he should want you to have something that you want too. You should really talk to him about it.
Post # 5
Personally – I think you have every right to be disappointed. And I don’t think it’s wrong of you to ask your fiance to change the ring.
It doesn’t sound he was overly concerned with what you wanted and your feelings when he picked out a large stone, masculine setting, and proposed in front of his family. He bought the ring before he met you, for Pete’s sake!
Post # 6
- Wedding: October 2007 - Ceremony at a cement and stained glass cathedral and reception at a boutique hotel ballroom
Smartl, the first thing to note is that your feelings are valid. Also note, his feelings are valid as well: the fact that he picked out an engagment band long before he met you is something that may mean something special to him. His family is probably special to him also and perhaps he wanted them to be a part of the proposal. Neither one of you are "wrong" or "right." You simply have two different expectations and a clash is occuring because those expectationsdo not line up. This is probably because the expectations (or the importance of those expectations) were not communicated to one another.
If you bring the matter up to him, yes, he probably will be surprised and a bit hurt. But if you do not, you may end up resentful. Either way, I think it’s more important to start the marriage off honestly. There will be plenty more times that the two of you will have to address touchy topics so why not practice here? At the very least, tell him how you feel without expectations of what the conclusion will be or whether you will change your ring or not, simply to start an open dialogue.
The important thing to remember is that although you may not feel that he put thought into the proposal or the band is not what you expected, his intentions were not insincere. you are marrying this man so you know that he loves you. with this in mind, trust that he always has your best interest on his heart, even if he doesn’t communicate some things in a way that you can appreciate. Remembering that he really *is* thinking of your best interest in mind, when (or if) you bring the topic up to him, i’m sure the converstation will be much more amicable.
Post # 7
Wow…this is a really tough one. It’s so hard to tell someone that while you love them, you pretty much hate something they did that they *thought* was so perfect and nice. Makes you feel all twisty inside.
It sounds like it’s not so much the ring itself that bugs you (though there are clearly elements of it that do, but even those sound like what they represent, rather than their actual existence, if that makes sense; e.g., a big diamond is about him showing off, not about whether you wanted an iceberg) but what the thought (of lack thereof) behind it represents.
I think it’s pretty clear that what upsets you most is that your Fiance took this momentous "us" occasion and made it more about him, and didn’t consider you. (Sometimes I do think that when we’re happy and excited about something ourselves, we forget about others, and think they’ll just automatically feel the same way, so that may be what’s happened here on his side.) Did you ever talk about what you might like in a ring *before* the proposal?
I feel bad for how bad you feel…and I don’t know if I really have any helpful advice. I feel like you should say something, otherwise it will fester and erupt at some point later, and come out wrong. (That’s happened to me.) But, I don’t know how you ought to bring it up with your Fiance. Maybe, "I really love you, and I love us together, and I’m so happy that you made the effort to pick this ring, but I feel like it doesn’t really represent me or us; could we talk about creating something from it that is more of a creation together?" Also, maybe a simple statement that you feel you can’t wear the ring because it’s physically uncomfortable (sharp edges, heavy weight), and you would rather create something together that you could wear everyday.
Post # 8
I was at first a little disappointed about my proposal over 5 years ago. Looking back though, it really wasn’t that bad and I think now that he probably did put a lot more effort in to it than I originally thought.
I would say, yes, these feelings probably do fade over time, as they have for me – I’m not so disappointed anymore, and what was once a sore subject for me I’ve looked out with a different pair of eyes – we were young, he probably didn’t understand what I wanted or why I wanted such a big deal, etc.
I picked out my ring and later regretted my setting (and honestly, the stone I selected, too). I picked out a fairly large heart-shaped diamond with a cathedral setting. While people commented that my stone was huge, I realized later that I just didn’t love the heart as much as I had originally thought. I was pretty determined not to change, though, because this is the stone he proposed with and I guess it kind of had sentimental value. I hated the setting though, and wasn’t so attached to that, so I set out to find the perfect setting for the stone…it is pretty hard to come by when you have a heart-shaped diamond.
Finally, we decided to have a custom piece made using my great-grandmothers’ wedding bands. Maybe this is something you could do – you get a chance to put some of your family into your ring and wedding band, you get to design something you like, and you get to keep your stone. You hopefully also get to spare your fiance’s feelings – maybe he will appreciate creating something like this together and you can use pieces of his family and your family’s jewels to make something that suits you both.
Sorry for the long story. I just can sympathize with you and wanted to tell you that there are happy endings!
Post # 8
I say choose your battles. The ring will be a permanent and visible thorn in your side. I agree with proncesskittyHI – talk to your fiance about a new ring, but focus on the comfort of the band and re-use the stone if at all possible. But I would try to refrain from telling him that his proposal was not what you were hoping for. There’s no way for him to go back and "fix" it and it will only make him feel terrible. Instead, try to emphasize another special pre-wedding moment that you can plan together, such as an engagement party or rehearsal dinner. Maybe you could tell him that it would mean the world to you if he could give a toast about your relationship at one of those events? That way you can get to hear the words that were missing from his proposal, and have that as your special engagment memory.
Post # 9
I’ve seen your ring, and although it looks like a beautiful ring (and a mighty sizable rock – especially considering the distance that the picture was taken!) – if it isn’t you, I would totally try to change it to make it you…perhaps you could even use the same gold and of course stone, so the sentimentality is still there…
It terms of bringing up this subject with your fiancé – I probably couldn’t just out right tell mine that I didn’t like something he gave me…although I have hinted at such things before. I would perhaps focus on finding a wedding band that you love and that it is your style…once you find one you love, bring your fiancé along to show him and tell him how much you love the ring he gave you and were thinking of making some changes to it so it suited your wedding band more. If he seems hurt – try to make it like it is no big deal and that other Bride’s do this all the time… I think sometimes we make things bigger in our head then they are in reality and the reality ends up following suit…KWIM?
It terms of the actual proposal…I’m not too sure what to say about that one…perhaps that was how he always envisioned proposing to you and he was too nervous to say all those sweet things at the time. Cheer up! You still have a beautiful ring and are engaged to the man you love!
Post # 10
I dont think it would hurt your fiancee’s feelings to get your setting changed as long as you have a heart to heart about it first! Dont go off and change it one day as a surprise, but express your gratitude to him about how much you appreciated the gesture, but would love to have your "dream" engagement ring, and see how he feels about that. It seems pretty common practice nowadays to get your setting changed, some jewellers even sell "plain" setting bands so that after your surprise engagement, couples can come in together and choose the setting that both the girl and the guy like best. My fiancee immediately told me that he really loved the setting he picked out for me but if i wanted to change it, it would be no problem. I think most guys would agree, unless it was a really sentimental setting (family) or one that he helped design himself.
As for the proposal, its just one of those things in life that you may just have to think of with fond memories, rather than dwell upon it. A marraige proposal is such a personal thing and I bet your fiancee was really nervous about the whole event, and thought his family could help him by being there this exciting time in his life. You can now focus on the wedding of your dreams…
get excited girl! youre getting married!
Post # 11
Oh don’t worry Cathleya, I am excited that I’m getting married 🙂 Most of the time I don’t think about these things, after all we’ve been engaged already for 9 months. But whenever I do look back on the proposal and think about my ring, these negative feelings do come up. I have tried to just suppress them but that is clearly not working so I thought I’d get some opinions on how to go forward.
Thank you *so* much to all of you for your advice and opinions. It is really a comfort, Miss Eggplant especially your words were the best advice I’ve heard so far. I agree that I can’t tell him the proposal was disappointing. Snmcdowell, I LOVE your suggestion though about asking him to say a few words about our relationship at our rehearsal dinner. It hadn’t even occurred to me but I really think that would go a long way to making sure I have one of the memories I so wanted. I always had it in my head that it would be part of the proposal, but there’s really no reason why it can’t be part of the rehearsal dinner instead. He’s really comfortable in front of a crowd too so I’m sure he’ll be happy to do it.
HamiHarri – you’re right about asking to change the ring by saying that I want it to suit my engagement band better. That is the perfect gentle way to bring it up because I’ve mentioned many times to him that I want to wear my e-ring and wedding ring together, but I feel like the e-ring band is so wide that it would be too much metal on one hand if I added another ring to it.
Post # 12
I don’t know if this makes you feel any better, but when my parents got engaged a long, long time ago, my dad didn’t do anything special. They were in a park playing frisbee, and he said, "hey, you want to get married?" They had only been dating a couple of months and it was completely spur of the moment and he didn’t get her a ring until they got married (it was her wedding band). Right after I got engaged, my dad told me about it, and he said that he felt bad that he hadn’t done more to make it special for her.
I was telling a friend of mine about it, and she told me that her dad proposed to her mom while they were watching tv. No ring, either! Geesh! Those silly guys!
I don’t think you should feel bad about being bummed out about it. I would be too. It sounds like you have been very gracious about it and have spared his feelings. I like some of the other suggestions people gave about having the band reset. I think that’s a great idea and there are ways you could suggest it without hurting his feelings.
I know you are wanting to have that special moment of him telling you why you are "the one" for him. I like the suggestions the other posters gave of having him give a toast sometime. If you think that would be too "forced" or it isn’t something he would feel comfortable with, maybe you guys could just write each other letters to exchange the morning before your wedding. My husband and I did that, and I still have mine and read it often. To be honest. I don’t even remember most of the things he said when he proposed, but I will always have the letters we exchanged on our wedding day.
Good luck! 🙂
Post # 13
If it makes you feel any better my guy proposed over 2 King Cobra 40 ozs. just as "Rambo 2 First Blood"started on the screen at our local campy movie night. He looked over at me and said, Rebecca will you marry me? I said yes, we kissed and then watched the carnage. Oh and my nieces and nephews helped him win a ring with Skeeball tickets the next week.
Post # 14
I, too had a disappointing proposal. While I knew a proposal was in the works, I thought it would at least happen after a nice dinner or somewhere with beautiful scenery. Instead, he told me he had to work late one night, when he was actually going to pick up the ring. I was just sitting in front of the tv when he came home and called for me to come downstairs. He didn’t even take his coat or shoes off. Then, there in the kitchen, he whipped out the ring and proposed – no speech, nothing. This all happened literally within five minutes of him walking through the door. There I was, in a tshirt and boxers, with the sound of commercials blasting from the TV in the other room. Of course I was in shock, not so much of the fact that he was proposing, but more the way he did it. Sometimes I still have bitter memories about what was supposed to be one of the most memorable moments of my life, but what can I do. It is what it is.
Post # 15
Yeah, I really bet that he thought a ton about it and really planned it out and it just didn’t fit your expectations and hopes for your proposal. Of course it’s ok to be disappointed. I think it’s even ok, if not potentially a wonderful opportunity to talk to him about it and tell him how you feel and even more importantly tell him what would make you happy–your delivery really matters though, so be gentle if you do. As for the ring it self–eh, go get the one you want. I don’t think he’d mind. Again, the delivery here will make or break how this goes.
I guess, I just worry that you have this idea of what your engagement, wedding, life should be like and if they’re not met you will always be disappointed. He has his ideas too and I believe (fwiw) that a successful marriage requires a bit of open mindedness on both people’s parts to appreciate the other’s ideas of how things should be.
I can give you an example from my own life. My fiance isn’t even my fiance yet. We’re getting married in two months yet I haven’t been proposed to yet. There was a time about 6 months ago where I thought I could not wait anymore for the proposal. I had these expectations for what that time in our life should be like and they weren’t being met and I was bummed about it. We knew when we wanted to get married and we started planning things and I just figured, ok, any day now. Well, days turned into weeks. I felt antsy. Maybe by the 4th of July? Nope. I don’t know why but one morning I just woke up and laughed. Heh. This is just Fiance. He is just goofy that way and I know him and he wants it to be special and to do it when he’s ready. Now we have a funny story to tell people. We joke that we’re getting engaged the day after the wedding.
Think about it. If you talk to him and tell him what you want and accept what happens this is how things could play out. And this isn’t so bad! You can tell your kids the funny story of how daddy thought he’d be all romantic and propose in front of his family which only totally mortified you and then he pulled out a ring that looked like it was made for him! Isn’t daddy funny?! So, I gently told daddy that I would like a ring made for me and he laughed and off we went to fix it and then the night before our wedding he took me aside and gave me the new ring and reproposed to me all by ourselves and it was so romantic and today I love daddy more than ever.