Post # 16
- Wedding: March 2008 - Riverside Hotel
Smartl: I shared your story with Mr. Petunia in order to get a man’s opinion (I hope this was okay!); he feels that, about the proposal, there’s not much to do. In fact, he said that perhaps, although you may have felt disappointed with it, it may have actually been a big deal for him to propose to you in front of family.
He does feel however that you should be honest about your feelings over the ring. You are the one who will be wearing the ring for the rest of your life and although, of course, he cannot guarantee what your fiance’s response will be, he does not, as a guy, think that your fiance will be mortified at your telling him how you honestly feel.
Perhaps it could be something that you two do together as a couple, coming up with something you both love, and as maverika said, turn into a beautiful story of the ring that "was" and the ring that "became"?
Hope that helps!
Post # 17
- Wedding: September 2007 - Westbury Manor
it looks like you’ve received very helpful advice already. i agree with most of the comments here as well. Mr. Violet and I have been together for 8+ years and in the beginning he wasn’t always great at choosing what I liked. Instead of telling him, that I hated it, I’d try to steer him towards the right direction the next time around.. I think that you liking your ring is really important. If you communicate it in a sincere, honest and gentle manner i’m sure he’ll understand. Good luck!
As for the proposal, Im sure it was difficult enough for him to do it. He may have been careless, and not considered your wants, but I’m sure he was very sincere and wanted it to be perfect for you.
Post # 18
I have to admit that my own proposal was a little less then I’d expected… while being more at the same time. I didn’t have a ring or anything, in fact he asked me just as I was turning out the lights to go to bed, I’m already half asleep I answer "Of course I do" and go to bed without thinking about it. I get to work the next day and think "Now wait a second…." My fiance told me very early on in our relationship that he didn’t believe in marriage for various reasons – we had a serious discussion about it and I kept with him well aware that a wedding could possibly never be in my future.
Of all the awkward conversations there is…. I think the one trying to figure out if my fiance actually -meant- to propose to me was the worst, although it does make for a funny story now. I try and not look at it as a lack of a beautiful engagement but more to the fact that my fiance came around to the idea of marriage because of me – and wants to spend the rest of his life with me.
I think you will have to come to terms with the type of engagement you had on your own – mentioning it to him is probably not a good idea. I do like the idea of having him say something at the rehearsal dinner – and if you are allowed maybe even write your own vows?
As for changing the ring you definitely need to talk it over with him. Discussing it in a way where you mention you want it to match your wedding band and being gentle about it is the best solution. Maybe you can work together to come up with a custom setting to melt the original down into? Something that echoes the both of you.
Post # 19
just be glad your proposal wasn’t as uneventful as mine was… my darling boy simply passed me the ring box (unopened) and said "You should probably wear this."
It’s a long story, and it’s actually really funny when you consider all the other events, but when I tell people how he proposed, they are shocked and appalled. I was hoping for something a bit… more…. but in the long run, it doesn’t matter at all 🙂
Post # 20
I’m actually suprised and glad that I wasn’t the only one in this boat.
I’m not sure if this is the place to post up my engagement story, but here goes. My fiance (now hubby) and I had been together for 5 years prior to the engagement. He had planned on doing it the weekend before, but my stupid (now ex) best friend botched up those plans. She knew my hubby was going to propose, but made plans with me. During that same weekend, my hubby came home and I saw a ring shaped box bulging from his pocket. I knew immediately what that was since we had been talking about marriage. Mind you, he knows for a fact that I love suprises and still came home with the engagement ring box in plain view. *sigh*
We both love cooking so the next weekend he made me a fancy dinner "out of the blue". "Out of the blue" is in quotation marks because I already knew what he was planning. After dinner he took me in his arms and said that he loved me a lot and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then he asked if I would marry him. All the while I knew this was going to happen so I was disappointed about not being suprised. I’m not sure if I’m in the wrong for wanting more, but it would have been nice to go somewhere other than home to propose to me. He later explained that my ex best friend had botched his plans to take me to a nice restaurant and then propose.
In retrospect, I should have bluntly told him that I wanted to be suprised when he proposed and I regret that to this day.
To answer your question, I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling bad about the way he proposed. It’s a once in a lifetime dealio and you wanted it done right.
Post # 21
I didn’t have the most romantic proposal either. In fact I knew when he was going to pick up the ring, since I designed it with my jeweler (which means I love it). Anyway, when he came back, he proposed in the living room in front of my mom, brother and sister. It wasn’t bad, it just wasn’t great. I guess I just always expected some huge surprise and lots of tears and stuff like that. And yeah, I was a little disappointed at first. But as the days passed, I realized that the proposal doesn’t matter. What matters is the person that proposed. I think your feelings on the matter will definitely fade.
Post # 22
I feel you. There are somedays when I am still disappointed how the whole "proposal" went down, but most days I smile and just recognize that is just my man. He literally nudged me as we were sitting at a bar and said "I guess its about time to throw a party". No ring (still no ring, although we are having it made), no fanfare, no one knee, nothing.
A girl from work got engaged the same weekend and her proposal was story book, champagne, one knee, tiffany diamond, the whole deal. I couldn’t help but feel silly in comparison. But, thats my guy! His mom told me later that his dad proposed to her in almost the exact same way!
He has said that when we get the ring, he is going to ask me proper, but at this point, it isn’t necessary for me. We are so involved with planning the wedding and we are engaged, even if he didn’t really ask me and it wasn’t a jewelry commercial moment.
I am lucky that we went and found a designer to make my ring together. I am certain he would have done a great job on his own, but as the "proposal" was a spur of the moment (after 4 years) situation, he wanted me to be involved. I would speak up about the ring, it is you, not him that is wearing it! Good luck!
Post # 23
I have been happily married for one year now, but when I think back to my own proposal, I am still a little disappointed. When people ask me how my husband proposed, I usually leave out certain details and make it sound nicer than it really was. To this day the strongest memory about the event is the smell of beer (and to me this is very gross b/c I don’t drink beer) on the rooftop where he proposed, and the people who were leaving as he got ready to propose. The ring was a "promise ring" since he didn’t have enough money for a proper engagement ring at the time. Even when I got the true e-ring, I ended up paying for it on my own credit card, b/c he forgot his, and he had to pay me back. Oh, and I had to pick it up myself, b/c he was on a business trip!
Still I love my husband dearly, and I know that he was very nervous and so happy I said yes. After one year of marriage, I now know that he never plans anything in advance, even really important things, so the entire proposal makes sense. It is not a reflection of his love for me.
Re: your ring, I would agree with others and say that you have a point with it matching with your wedding band, and I think you should really be able to ask him to exchange it for something you really like. It is a big purchase, and I don’t think any guy would want their fiance to be wearing something they don’t like, especially if it cost that much money!
Post # 24
I am not thrilled about my proposal either. Mostly because I’ve never really dreamed about my actual wedding. I’d be happy with a simple "do you? I do. Do you? I do. ok, let’s eat some cookies". I was always daydreaming about the day that some man that I loved would plan some big way of declaring his love for me and requesting that I join him for the rest of his life. Nothing like this happened at all. It’s frustrating because I KNOW that I had made comments about all our other friends who had been proposed to and how each person wants a different kind of proposal. I don’t think there was any plan whatsoever except that he had gone out with his mom to buy a ring and then had it in his pocket for 3 days before timidly asking me to marry him right before we were going to sleep after a very long day. No mini-speech about how I’m the love of his life, no funny "remember when" story, no chance for applause from people around us. In contrast to you, I would have LOVED for him to take advantage of a big family gathering to make a big scene. And while the ring is fine, I don’t think it’s what I would have picked. I love him, I’m going to marry him but that proposal sucked.
And I’ll admit that I told him this (well not in those words). I’m hoping for some other re-do proposal sometime before the wedding. That’s how upset it made me. But I’m sure that once more of the wedding planning gets started
As for the ring. I think YOU shouldn’t feel bad about getting it redesigned or re-set or melted down. If he chose it before he met you then he can’t expect you to want to wear it everyday, let alone ANY day.
Some people end up with awful "first kiss" stories, some have traumatic "first sex" stories… you and I and others who responded have disappointing proposal stories.
Post # 25
Men aren’t mind readers. I wish they were sometimes, but they’re not. Sometimes they need us to explain what we think should be very obvious to them. I think many men think just asking someone to marry them is romantic and thoughtful in and of itself and don’t get that us women are looking for something more than that. If we have our hearts set on our guys doing something in particular to the point that we will be so upset and disappointed if it doesn’t happen then we women really need to tell them what we want beforehand. It’s not very romantic seeming, but it’s a heck of a lot better than the disappointment that a lot of you us seem to feel when we don’t end up getting what we have dreamt about.
My advice for all you yet to be engaged, tell your boyfriends about your dream proposal before he pops the question!
As for those who are engaged and disappointed with the proposal, I would tell your fiance’s what you had always dreamed of and give them a second chance to make your dreams come true.
Post # 26
I would like to reiterate what an earlier poster mentioned, that maybe it was a big deal for his to propose in front is his family. If you don’t get along with them as well as you like, maybe he thought this would be a way to bring your together, to show his family how much he cares about you and loves you in the hopes that they woul treat you as one of their own.
On the other hand, I would have hated to be proposed to in front of other people, too. If want you really want is the private proposal with the ‘i love you the most and want to spend my life with you moment’ maybe after you get the band remade to match your wedding band, you can say to him at home that night, ‘well, to christen the new ring, i think you should propose again, just us, right here, right now. i think it’s wonderful that you wanted your family to witness your proposal, but i know it meant you didn’t get to say how much you love me in detail with other people around. tell me know what you would have said then if we had been alone.’
I mean, there’s no reason you should only get proposed to once 🙂 Just because the first time makes it officialy, a little teasing ‘so you think i’m that great, huh, maybe you should marry me’ or a more serious ‘wow, i really love you, yeah, i think you should marry me after all’ is a nice way to keep the engagement fresh even after many months.
Post # 27
(sorry for all the typos– i have a hard time with other people’s computers)
Post # 28
I agree, cubangirl. I know that his family is really important to him so he probably just wanted to include them in such a special moment of his life. I wish I didn’t begrudge him that because I know it was meaningful for him. He just forgot that it’s an important moment in MY life too and I would never want to let them see me cry or be vulnerable! In their defense though I don’t dislike them, I’m just not close to them and it’s kind of awkward for us to all visit together. They were really good about it though – they knew the proposal was coming and they had champagne ready and everything so that did sweeten it a bit. Champagne is always good when you’re a little nervous!
I think the good thing that has come out of this post is that I need to let it go about the proposal. It is what it is, and I’ll only hurt him if I tell him I didn’t like it. I know for a fact he THINKS he gave me the proposal of my dreams because he’s mentioned more than once how I got such a romantic proposal. Makes me cringe because I just nod and think to myself "well, not exactly." I think I’d rather just ask him to do a speech at our rehearsal dinner as someone else suggested, that way he won’t know that I didn’t like the proposal but I’ll still get to hear what I was missing.
I will definitely ask him about changing the ring now. It’s just a matter of timing and me working up the guts because I have a feeling his answer will be "absolutely not" and it will turn into a fight.
Post # 29
Everyone has already given such great advice here; I just wanted to share how I dealt with this issue. My proposal wasn’t everything I wished it would be (though I LOVE my ring), so I got to thinking that I would give my fiance the proposal that I wished I’d had. He deserves it!
Exactly one month before our wedding day, I wrote a little speech and planned a "spontaneous" walk at twilight in Central Park. When we got to Bethesda Fountain, I kicked off my italian flats (I wasn’t going to ruin those puppies!) and got down on both knees. I said to him all the reasons I loved him, and told him I’d be honored if he would agree to be my husband. It was an incredible moment for both of us, and the big thing I learned is–asking someone to marry you is NERVE-WRACKING!!! (Even when you know they’ve already said yes!) My heart was pounding through my chest and I almost forgot most of my short little speech.
Post # 30
My husband’s "proposal" was very spontaneous. He said he wasn’t going to ask me to marry him until he was ready, but he was going to tell me now that some day, it would happen. I told him that when he was ready, the answer would be yes… somehow, this led to him never getting around to really asking, we ended up eloping (it’s a military thing, we didn’t know if we could trust he’d get leave for any date we set), and we only just got around to getting my ring- months after the wedding. He always said that he’s a romantic, he wanted to make sure the ring was "perfect"… but it’s actually a very modest ring, I picked it from the first store we went to… and even as quick as I was while we looked, he STILL lost interest and picked up a T-shirt at Hot Topic while I was trying rings on! Ultimately, he "picked" the ring because I gave him two choices, and said "I like them both, pick one!"
So, while it was all very cute, and very "him," it wasn’t exactly a proposal or a ring for the history books. But in all fairness, we wrote out own vows for the wedding… and his were so sweet, he struck me speechless. He went first, and I hadn’t written mine down, so I blanked (and started crying)… to this day, I’ve no memory of exactly what I promised, except that "I love you" was in there. So, even though he fell victim to his own too-high expectations on the ring thing, he more than made up for it at the wedding. All I can say is, you have the rest of your lives to spend together, and if any of it is story-book perfect, consider yourself lucky! But you didn’t marry him because he was perfect, you are marrying him because he’s perfect for you- flaws and all. Don’t fall into the trap that everyone gets a perfect proposal, a perfect wedding, etc. That’s the stuff Bridezilla is made of. Your husband loves you, and if the proposal was a bit awkward, keep in mind it was his first one ever, right? I am sure he has many other ways of showing his love for you, and he will have plenty of other opportunities as your life together moves forward 🙂