(Closed) Disappointing Proposal

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
  • poll: Can I talk to him about this?

    Yes

    No

  • Post # 76
    Member
    9082 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Think of it this way: He wanted to ask you to marry him so badly he couldn’t wait for one of your walks, or anything else. He had to ask you right friggin’ now. That’s pretty amazing if you ask me.

    Post # 77
    Member
    880 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    View original reply
    RobbieAndJuliahaha:  

    She can’t really vent here because there is a lack of support for Bees who hated their proposals. 

    Why are her fiance’s feelings more important than hers? I can see why telling him that she didn’t like the proposal would be hurtful but so is putting very little thought and effort into a memorable moment. 

    The OP hasn’t even said that she wanted something elaborate and public yet many Bees are acting that like is what she was expecting. She just wanted a happier moment than her engagement ring left in her bathroom. I don’t think that expectation is unreasonable. 

    Post # 78
    Member
    1940 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

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    KBelle12:  what did your man do for your proposal that was worse than this bathroom thing??

    Post # 79
    Member
    1278 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Is your Fiance normally into big romantic gestures or being particularly sentimental with you? Exactly what kind of hints/suggestions were you giving him about the type of proposal you had in mind?

    I obviously don’t know the first thing about him or your relationship, but it sounds to me like perhaps he wouldn’t have been comfortable doing the big gushy over-the-top romantic highly planned sort of proposal that you might have wanted. It’s also possible that the hints you were dropping were either overwhelming for him, or were suggestions that he already had in mind but then didn’t want to pick since they no longer felt like ‘his’…?

    I guess what I’m saying is that if you really do want to talk to him about this, I think it’s very important that you have a long hard think about what might be happening on his side of things first. The proposal is about both of you and should factor in what you’re both comfortable with. I’m not sure what talking about it now will accomplish, but I also think if you truly are that upset about it then harbouring resentment is not going to end well.

    FWIW, I think it sounds like a very sweet and intimate proposal. Best of luck.  

    Post # 80
    Member
    228 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    Mine proposed while I was in my pajamas and weekend at Bernies played in the background.   After 10 years together I expected something elaborate if it ever happened.  It was less than thrilling but you know, he proposed in a way that was just how our life is together; intimate, relaxed, silly and at home, where we are happy and comfortable.  It wasn’t hearts and flowers but it was him offering himself to me and id never tell him it was anything less than perfect because it was him and thats what matters.

    Post # 81
    Member
    11 posts
    Newbee

    View original reply
    daffodils:  I literally LOL’ed when I read this. Such a simple proposal that makes for an even funnier story you could continue to tell over time. 

    Post # 82
    Member
    36 posts
    Newbee

    It’s all how you spin it. How utterly sweet of him to want to surprise you by switching out the rings. Can you imagine how deliciously sneaky that was for him? How happy he was while he was doing it? It must’ve felt like something out of Mission Impossible.

    My suggestion is when you talk about it in future, which I assure you you’ll only have limited opportunities to do, you can say it was an intimate proposal at home. Focus on his prep to surprise you and how you felt when you realized. The actual location is completely unimportant because a spontaneous event is almost never going to happen in ideal circumstances. And again, it’s all in how you perceive a thing. 

    Bees who were proposed to on scenic walks in the wild were standing on trails dozens of dogs (if not hikers) had marked as well as a rotting carcass or two. At the beach? That’s water where fish procreate and leave their waste, where people throw down trash, where needles wash up on the shore. Bees at Disney World? My fiancé knelt down where thousands of park visitors spit and yack and there were people changing diapers nearby. You get the picture.

    This is the choice everyone has. To focus on what’s important –> your happiness and the fact you’re about to marry the love of your life, a man who wants you so much he’s willing to commit to forever. Or the toilet.  

    Post # 83
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    Nope. Get over it. He clearly thought this through and wanted to put his own personal spin on it. There’s nothing you can say to him now that would make this better.

    FYI I would have loved a photographer to capture the moment of my proposal. Fiance knows this, he knew I liked the idea. But it’s totally not him, so he didn’t choose to have one, and that’s fine. I loved his proposal all the more because he planned it entirely by himself.

    Post # 84
    Member
    2141 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    can I’m also so shocked at the attitude towards women here – everyone saying he will leave if she says no or talks to him… WRONG and if he does he immature and not ready for marriage because grown adults talk

     

    I had 4 proposal in 8 years but we are still happy, never broke up and finally engaged now, I know others who have been together over 40 years and had several proposal and still arn’t engaged and people who got engaged then cancelled the engagement and carried on in the previous status… you can have a million proposals in life, I think you girls are the one stuck in a silly childlike fairytale if you can only be asked once and have to say yes (probably part of the reason there is such a high divorce rate)

     

    a proposal is that ‘A PROPOSAL’ he is asking a question, it IS up for discussion and its her RIGHT to give any answer she wants including ‘im uncofortable with not actually being asked’ and its only normal and completely mature to discuss it and this fear mongering of people laughing at genuin emotions and saying that ‘unless you say yes when a man ask a question he will leave and you’ll be alone/no one will want you’ is not only shockingly rediculous but offensive too

    Post # 85
    Member
    137 posts
    Blushing bee

    View original reply
    daffodils:  haha, absolutely brilliant post. Love it!!

    Post # 86
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee

     

    View original reply
    daffodils:  You’re awesome. I almost spat out my coffee laughing when I read this!

     

    OP, I think it sounds like a lovely, simple proposal. Deciding to spend your lives together is what’s beautiful. The rest is just background noise.

    If it makes you feel any better, you have the right to omit the bathroom part when you tell the story to others. Just say that he put the e-ring where you keep your promise ring and proposed when you noticed. It’s a really lovely story, actually.

    Let it go, enjoy your life.

    Post # 87
    Member
    2122 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I can’t even deal with this attitude. The man wants to spend his life with you and you’re getting hung up on the room he proposed in? Before I got engaged, I so desperately wanted him to ask me. We would be cooking dinner in our TINY one bedroom apartment, and I would be silently hoping he would just ask. No ring, no theatrics, just ask. 

    A year later he took me to Italy and proposed to me on our fifth anniversary in Tuscany. Could I pick the proposal apart? Of course I could. But life isn’t a Disney fairytale, guys get nervous – and rightfully so. But when someone wants to marry you, it shouldn’t matter where you are or what you’re doing. 

    And FYI, if you’re upset at your proposal not following your exact vision, just wait until you start planning this wedding!! 

    Louis Litt proposed to Shiela Sazs in his hospital room with his bum hanging out. That’s a Suits reference, but Louis is awesome so it’s okay. 

    Post # 88
    Member
    1587 posts
    Bumble bee

    My first husband literally rolled over in bed, asked me to marry him,  I said yes, and we went back to sleep.   He got my ring a couple of months later. 

    It didn’t matter because it was spontaneous and he loved me enough to ask me to spend my life with him. 

    Post # 89
    Member
    836 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    Maybe since you knew of his plans, you should’ve worn your promise ring instead of keeping it in the bathroom. So if you look at it that way, you “ruined” your proposal. Sorry but I call it like I see it. Otherwise congradulations on your engagement. 

    Post # 90
    Member
    5783 posts
    Bee Keeper

    View original reply
    mrswhitecat:  Her fiance’s feelings aren’t more important than hers, my advice would be the same if she planned something she thought would  be special and he needlessly hurt her feelings over something she couldn’t change.  Let’s just say she took one of my suggestions and had a romantic dinner at home with candles and a brand new wedding planning book in celebration of their new engagement ring. If her Fiance said afterward that’s really not how he wanted it done, that he would have chosen a different meal or preferably even a meal out, that the candles were cliche and the wedding book not really to his liking, and the whole evening fell kinda flat with their friends not there etc. Well, he’s so focused on what disappointed him that he’s missing the point that the woman he loves was trying to do something special between them, he’s willing to crush her feelings, her good intentions, because he didn’t get things the way he envisioned it. That’s putting himself before her, IMO. And when women make their fiances feel bad about the proposal &/ or expect a ‘re-proposal’, she’s putting herself before her fiance.

    I still think it’s preferable for Bee to vent in here than to do something she may regret, even if many  Bee’s aren’t sympathetic. Sometimes just venting helps, sometimes a Bee can strike up a conversation with a few like-minded Bees, and sometimes hearing criticism can make someone see something in a different light, a different perspective.

    I do think it’s sad that we’re seeing a trend where the importance of the proposal story seems to outweigh the fact that someone has asked you to spend the rest of your life with them & that some women seem to feel entitled to get their proposal story, even if it means hurting the person they love in the process.

    The topic ‘Disappointing Proposal’ is closed to new replies.

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