(Closed) Disappointing Proposal

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
7 posts
Newbee

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Paige_ :  

I agree with XieXie. I think it’s actually quite a cute engagement story. My fiance (dated 5 years as well) tried asking me while I was in a terrible mood (stressful day of driving) and I kept going outside to smoke cigarettes (I’ve since quit), and I wouldn’t give him the chance. It’s funny because prior to this, any time we’d go on a fancy date or a vacation or have any sort of romantic moment I would be disappointed. I had no clue he was actually trying to propose to me. Thank god he didn’t give up at that point, because when I finally chilled out and got some wine in me he got down on both knees to “play with the dogs” and busted out this gorgeous ring. When I tell people (and when I think about it) I leave out the grumpy-chainsmoking-neurotic-girlfriend part and enjoy the part where we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together! He is super awkward and so am I and sometimes these big-pressure moments are clumsy. I’m impressed, and maybe a bit suspicious, when they go perfectly according to plan.

I get why you’re disappointed, I do. And I think you should shift your focus before you become paranoid or turn the situation into something it’s not. 

PS congratulations! 

Post # 77
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

It sounds like this guy is busting his hump to plan nice dates for you and the minute your butt hits the car seat you consider the date done and the opportunity missed. I don’t think you really would have been happy with a “I love you will you marry me” at all. 

It sounds like you pressed and pressed while he was trying to plan something to do for you, he took you to a really nice restaurant and again, the moment your butt hit the car seat you were ‘joking’ (complaining). If I were him I would have just given up and said the same thing to you.

No matter what your proposal is, you can have a fun story from it. If you don’t have a fun story from this, that’s on you. It sounds like he tried.

Post # 78
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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samael :  I was thinking ‘wasn’t there a bee that got proposed to in the bathroom??’ I think it was a similar story to your’s

.OP, I honestly couldn’t tell you about the proposals most of my friends and family had. I also think the words that are said from your SO to you don’t need to be relayed to everyone.. My DH said “I love you”, kissed my forehead and put the ring on my finger. He didn’t even ask so I did make him get down on one knee but that was a joke and I wasn’t upset about it. 

I hope the second proposal makes you happier than you feel right now.

Post # 79
Member
952 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I can understand being disappointed, but remember that he wasn’t purposefully trying to disappoint you. It sounds to me like he just panicked and made an impulsive decision to just hand you the ring. He probably felt pressure for doing the perfect proposal and didn’t handle that pressure well. I’m NOT trying to fault you and saying you pressured him, I’m just saying it’s possible that’s how he felt.

When you start thinking about your disappointment in the proposal, focus instead on all of his good qualities, how excited you are to start your life together, and planning your wedding. This may seem like a huge deal now but you have your entire lives together and this one moment should not color every moment to follow.

Post # 80
Member
999 posts
Busy bee

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EllyAnne :  I know there’s at least one other bee here who got a naked proposal, there was as thread about it a little while ago.  And of course, that poor lady who got the toilet paper proposal…

Post # 81
Member
1137 posts
Bumble bee

Didn’t read all the responses so sorry if I’m repeating things others already said.

I think the thing is, you’ll never know if he did plan to propose, even with just a simple “I love you, would you marry me” when you get home after that nice expensive dinner, had you not joked about it. Since he was carrying the ring on him and he planned this evening as opposed to the last two dates, and it was expensive, I think he was going to propose. 

I did cringe at the “oh I thought you were going to propose” joke the first time, then again the second time and the last time I was just thinking, bee, just stop!! Stop talking about it and give him a chance to do it!! It is possible he had it on him the last two times as well. I don’t know why he didn’t do it at the most romantic moments / places like in the park and restaurants etc BUT I suspect he wanted to but got nervous (the lingering at the spot etc) and being in public with people around probably wasn’t a good setting for him. A lot of guys prefer to do it in privacy. I suspect it was going to be perhaps at home after the dates, but since each time you talked/joked about it after, he couldn’t very well go through with it, and third time, well… you know what happened.

I can’t blame him for doing that the third time honestly… it wouldn’t feel genuine if he had got down on one knee and proposed AFTER you said “oh I thought you were going to propose”. But I think he could’ve handled it better by just talking to you and ask you to stop talking about it. And you could’ve realised that you shouldn’t be constantly joking about it or even talking about it and just give him a chance to do it.

I think you said you already apologised and there’s a second proposal on the way? I hope you have had a good talk and told him you just wanted a nice memorable moment between you two not anything fancy as such.

Btw did you ask him if he was going to do it on the last two dates and didn’t for some reason? How long has he had the ring? Usually  couples talk about this kind of stuff after the engagement since it’s no secret anymore. That might help you gauge his thinking a bit too (in case you are worried he didn’t actually want to propose or marry you hence the procrastination).

Post # 82
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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samael :  I can’t see that now. Was it deleted?

Post # 83
Member
6354 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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Paige_ :  You say he’s going to re-propose but you still seem sad about it. Think hard. Will this second proposal actually make you feel better? Or will you just keep thinking about the first time? No need to make your fiance do it over again if you’re still not going to be happy. 

I think you need to re-read your own proposal story. It’s very cute and funny! 

Post # 84
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

It doesn’t sound like the end of the world tbh. Maybe try to focus on the ever after part and things will feel better?

Post # 85
Member
999 posts
Busy bee

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EllyAnne :  the toilet paper one was deleted.   The other thread is not too old. I’ll take a look for it later.

Post # 86
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

 I am sorry you were left out feeling sad over your proposal, but I hope the next one goes well. I think it would do good if you talk with your Fiance and tell him exactly what you’re expecting him to do/say -as to avoid misunderstanding and disappointed expectations. 

It sounds to me like your Fiance does love you and was planning something nice, but he was also feelingextra pressured to make something grand for you (because he knew it was important for you). So when you joke/complained for the third time, you might have caught him in a bad day and he ended up reacting that way. Don’t take it personal, and please do not put all value of your relationship on one tiny moment -believe me, you’ll have a thousand more moments, some even more special than your engagement day, as life goes on.

Post # 87
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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Paige_ :  is he usually good with words? Can he usually give a heartfelt speech, planned or unplanned? If not, then I’m sorry you’re expecting too much from him. He knew you would say yes but the moment is still nerve wracking and he might have come up with a speech and forgotten it in the moment or maybe thought he could come up with something in the moment and just got a mental block. None of those are bad things. It’s ok for him to be nervous and not find the words.

The man you love, planned a lovely evening and proposed to you. It doesn’t matter that he couldn’t come up with a speech or even manage to actually say “will you marry me?” Because not every guy can find those words. He proposed to you in a way unique to him. So if you love him, you need to accept his proposal.

For what it’s worth my husband proposed with a candy ring in his boxers. It doesn’t matter how you spin that, you don’t get a story others would consider swoon-worthy!

As for a re-do proposal, I honestly don’t think that will fix your issue. You’ve built a proposal into a generic one-size fits all category in which the guy has to give a speech. But we’re all different and your guy still might not be able to come up with the words you want. My husband is terrible at giving heartfelt speeches and he definitely can’t do them under pressure, his response is to crack a joke. That works for me because I’m the exact same and know he doesn’t like to plan speeches for them feeling forced. Your partner will still be the same person he was in the first proposal and expecting him to conform to one standard is dangerous thinking. This type of thinking is also what will lead to disappointment when things inevitably don’t go to plan on your wedding day. Enjoy the detour from the plan because you’ve someone next to you who is willing to follow your detour at every turn.

Post # 88
Member
585 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You’re spoiled. It sounds like the two of you go on so many cute dates. I don’t know many guys who plan romantic stuff like that regularly for their significant others. Be grateful. 

 

Edit: Wait…. he’s actually planning to propose again?! Please don’t make him do this. Say you’d rather plan a celebration of the engagement instead to make up for guilt tripping the poor guy. Hugs to him. 

Post # 89
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

Wow this is such a hot topic. 

Post # 90
Member
950 posts
Busy bee

I agree with most of the other replies..you owe him an apology. Your passive-aggressive statements about him not proposing were not the two of you joking around. It was most likely very hurtful for him to hear these comments. You should make it up to him.

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