- 5 years ago
- Wedding: December 1969
Hello everyone. This is my first post and I’m not sure if it’s in the write place, but I am really emotional and could really use some insight into what I should do.
A little over 4 weeks ago, on October 4 my boyfriend proposed to me. It was our 2 and a half year anniversary (later that night he said that he was hoping we could wed next April on our 3 year anniversary). The proposal was completed unexpected and I was surprised, although we had talked about getting married and the future before. While I was very happy to be engaged to the man that I loved, I was disappointed with both the proposal and the ring.
We had gone to a spaghetti house for dinner. Nothing fancy or anything. Halfway through the meal the waitress came to refill my water. When she poured it I saw something go into my glass. At first I thought it was ice but then I saw it was a ring. I looked across the table at him and he said: “I feel like you are the one person I can depend on the most. Like it is us against the world. Will you marry me my love?” And that was it. No grand speech. No getting down on one knee. No music, grand gesture, scavenger hunt, him pouring his heart out or anything like that. And besides the waitress no one else around us even noticed. I quickly said yes because I was so shocked, and he smiled and took the ring and put it on my hand. I couldn’t believe was how small the diamond was. I didn’t say anything because I was both shocked and disappointed (I honestly thought more was coming, and when I realized there was nothing else I wanted to cry) The rest of the meal, the ride home and the rest of the night I couldn’t say anything because I was so disappointed and I wanted to cry. He thought I was so happy I was speechless and kept smiling at me.
He was really excited when we went to bed and couldn’t wait to tell everyone the next day. I had to fight to stop from crying myself to sleep. I had looked at the ring when I was alone in the bathroom brushing my teeth and couldn’t stop thinking how it was tiny and barely sparkled. I thought things would be clearer in the morning but when I woke up and looked at the ring my heart sank again. It is barely a .05 carat. I didn’t want a huge rock, or a big TV red carpet proposal with fireworks (and he knew this) but I wanted something special and more than a small ring in a cheap restaurant with no speech or huge declaration of love. I felt like he didn’t put much effort, planning, time and money into the ring or the proposal.
It ate at me for a week. Every time I looked at the ring, or thought about or told the proposal story I wanted to cry. No one said anything negative about either but I knew they were thinking it. Finally a week after he proposed I couldn’t hold it in and just started crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him: “I love you very much and I know you love me but there is something about the proposal.” I told him how I felt it was rushed and that he didn’t plan it as well as he could have, and that I feel like he didn’t put much thought into the ring either. This lead to a discussion about what I wanted vs. what he had done. I could tell he was hurt even though it wasn’t my intention. I brought up exchanging the ring for a different one and him asking again. He took back the ring and he said he needed some time to think about what to do (I thought at the time he meant for a new ring and proposal. He was upset and decided to go stay with a friend so we could cool off and not fight, because we had discussed thing without arguing up to that point, but he told me he loved me.
He stayed with his cousin for a week. We texted back and forth, he said I love you each night before we went to sleep, but he said he had to think about what I said and I knew it couldn’t have been easy for him. Two Saturdays ago (the 18th) he came back home. He told me he had thought about what I said. However I was shocked with what he said next. He told me our conversation had revealed to him that I wasn’t the person he thought I was. He couldn’t believe how shallow and materialistic I was. He said he had chosen that restaurant because we had take-out from there on our first date (a picnic) the night we decided to be exclusive, and the first night we spent in our new apartment when we moved in together. And he had spent months saving for the ring, and had chosen a style similar to my great-grandmothers engagement ring, which I had always ‘awww’d’ about (of course my great-grandfather was poor as bricks because it was the depression when he proposed) and that the ring was a symbol of his love, not how much money he had. It hurt so badly when he called me shallow and materialistic I started to cry.
He said he couldn’t see himself spending his life with someone who bought into the “Hollywood, diamond industry marketing scheme” when it came to proposals and was disappointed in something that came from the heart. He said I had always wanted something special and he knew that and when he proposed that’s why he tried to do. He told me he has spent lots of time planning it and chosen things which he thought were special for me, and when I said I was disappointed and wanted a do-over he realized that I cared more about a Hollywood romance movie proposal and a huge ring than I did about specialness, being sentimental and love. I couldn’t believe what was happening and was crying hard and trying to explain but he stopped me. He told me that he had come over the day before and gotten all his stuff. He had also taken half the money from our joint bank account. He told me he loved me but couldn’t spend the rest of his life with someone like me. He said goodbye and wished me a happy life, although by this point he was crying too.
That was 15 days ago. I have not seen or spoken to him since. When I call his cell or text him I get a message that his number is no longer in service. I can no longer see him on Facebook and when I email him it gets bounced back because the address no longer exists and it can’t be delivered. He is a consultant and works from home or drives to meet his clients so I can’t even go to his work to try and see him. I have asked every single one of our mutual friends and his friends that I know and they all tell me they can’t tell me how to get into contact with him (I don’t know any of his family well enough to ask). We were supposed to move into a new apartment on November 1, but that was cancelled since we broke up as neither of us could afford the rent on our own. Our old apartment had to be vacated because new tenants were coming in and so I’ve moved in with my cousin for the time being. I have no idea where he is staying.
I miss him so much and I am heartbroken over the whole thing. I feel like we just had a misunderstanding and could have worked through it if we communicated better. I take the blame for part of it and realize that I was horrible and ungrateful. I have never loved anyone like him and I just want him back. I feel so stupid and cry every day. I beat myself up all the time and am crying as I type this. I am sorry this was so long but I have no idea what to do. Does anyone have any advice or insight to offer? I would really appreciate it. Thank-you so much for reading this and “listening” to me.