(Closed) Disappointing proposal, talked with him and he broke up with me!

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 106
Member
707 posts
Busy bee

Ellicott:  Agree. Funny how the size of the stone changed when OP provided a link…

Ring on the finger OP! You would have taken at least one pic of it!

Post # 107
Member
2691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I don’t want to be mean but I think that you had expectations that were way too high. He seemed to put a lot of thought and effort into everything and you just could not see it. You could have asked him why he chose that ring or that restaraunt but instead you let it eat at you until you exploded and it went poorly. I hope you guys can work things out because I can tell you love him, but it is going to take a lot of work on your part.

Post # 108
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

SexyCatLady:  Actually I have a similar story only the other way around. I worked my ass off on writing sentimental, personalised custom vows for my husband before our wedding. Then a few weeks later he confessed that he was upset and essentially said that he felt they were so ‘generic’ and I should have worked harder tailoring them to our relationship, etc. etc. He implied that he thought that I had basically just run out of time and stolen something off the internet. This is after pretty much everyone cried and complimented me on how ‘wonderful’ they were at the wedding and afterwards. Many people had told me that my vows were actually the highlight of the wedding for them, so I was blindsided by all this.

Was I deeply hurt? Yes. Did I cry? Yes. Did I throw my toys out of the pram and end the relationship? Never even thought about it. We had a vow renewal a year or so later (mostly for the benefit of his family) and I spent hours re-writing those vows in a way that answered all of his fears while still keeping the core of what they meant to me. He was in tears at the altar and later admitted that he had thought about my explanation of all the subtle personal references to our relationship I had made in my original vows and had realised that he was wrong all along. He said that the new vows were the best things he had ever heard and profusely apologised for his previous behavior. What had originally been a miserable point of contention between us became something that only made us stronger.

Maybe the OP didn’t behave well by confessing her reservations to her partner, but IF he had been someone who was seriously in love with her and invested in the relationship then he would gone out of his way to hear her feelings and meet her needs while being true to his original proposal. Instead he stormed off and cut all contact (well, assuming this whole story is true which I still happen to doubt).

You can call it ‘having standards’ if you like, but I call it a red flag that he was never as invested as he would have needed to be for a long-term, happy, successful marriage. Real partners work to understand the fears and insecurities of their significant others, and do everything they can to meet their needs. After 10, 20, 50 years everyone is going to have moments where they act hurtfully and irrationally, but it is what happens next that defines you and your relationship. Either you are both willing to be open-minded and work on your relationship, or you aren’t. As it turns out, he was more interested in stewing about how he had been ‘wronged’ by her than he was in working to rescue the two year relationship that they had built together.

I’m sure he was a perfectly nice guy, but I still don’t think he was ready for marriage.

Post # 109
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014 - Maui

It sucks but I think his reaction was justified. You’re just going to have to work on being grateful for what you have from now on. I also asked my Fiance what he would have done in this situation, and he said he might have done the same. He proposed to me at home without a ring, btw, and I was nothing but happy.

Post # 110
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

MBelle:  

MBelle:  you may want to clarify I bet you

meant half a carat not 1/20th of a carat. 

 

Post # 111
Member
594 posts
Busy bee

Penang1885:  I’m not sure. It sounds like the situation with your vows was just a very unfortunate misunderstanding, whereas the OP’s ex left because of character traits (materialism and attention-seeking) he didn’t want to put up with for the rest of his life. He thought it through for a week, realized their core values were incompatible (she’s probably a big spender and “keeps up with the Joneses”, he’s more frugal and modest, etc), and ran for the hills. There’s nothing wrong with that.

Post # 112
Member
12128 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

For marriage, even an “I’m not so sure anymore ” is a perfectly valid reason to call off a wedding. IMO there should  be no doubts at all going into it. That is not to say that the person has to be perfect, but you do have to love and plan to accept that person now and always. 

My guess is former Fiance had some concerns leading up to all this and that it didn’t come out of nowhere. 

My other guess is that it’s not just what happened but how things went down. 

Post # 114
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2013

MBelle:  Tough love on this board. But necessary.

Life isn’t about perfect moments. I’m sure there are 100 bees here for every ONE that got a “movie-worthy” proposal. It’s about having a good man in your life who is willing to make a commitment to you FOR LIFE. WHO CARES HOW HE ASKS YOU TO DO THAT? Sounds like he’s a pretty thoughtful, caring guy, and you blew it because of what? Pinterest? Keeping up with the Karcrapians? Facebook?

Neither one of you is ready for marriage. You got what you deserved, sweetie.  

Post # 115
Member
7413 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

For those saying that it’s a red flag that the ex didn’t spend longer deciding he no longer wanted to marry the OP, what would you do if you had your heart set on marrying someone who wanted children, and a few months before the wedding, your SO changed their mind and decided to never have kids, maybe even got a vasectomy?  Would you spend some time thinking over your own needs and priorities, and call things off if you couldn’t see yourself giving up on ever having children?  No one would blame you for that and no one would call it a red flag. This situation is no different: the OP showed her SO that they have fundamentally different values, he spent a week figuring things out, then decided to move on.  

How long would you spend trying to mend a relationship if, instead of insulting your proposal/ring for not being “good” enough, your SO insulted you?  Told you you needed to quit your job and become a stay-at-home wife? Found religion and became extreme in their views?  Told you about a child they kept hidden from you?  Materialism and extreme consumerism is no less of a bad character trait than lying, controlling behavior, or anything that someone decides they don’t want in a spouse.  

Post # 116
Member
7646 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

If this isn’t real: You have way too much time on your hands.

If this is real: Good for your ex for realizing your true colors. Time to move on, and hopefully you learned a valuable lesson (although I don’t know if you did since your idea of value comes in monetary gifts).

Post # 117
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee

I think you got exactly what you deserved, I wouldn’t want to marry you either.

Post # 118
Bee
11812 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

This thread seems to have run its course. I’m going to close it so the mods can review.

The topic ‘Disappointing proposal, talked with him and he broke up with me!’ is closed to new replies.

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