(Closed) Disappointing proposal

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

Okay, I think there are two issues here:

1. He isn’t doing anything romantic for you, culminating in not even planning his own surprise engagement for you, while you need more romantic thoughts and actions…

2. Neither of you is communicating particularly well.

To address number one, you gotta start at number 2. And honestly, you’re going to end up in tears because a proposal is EMOTIONAL! So i suggest going to couples counseling and making sure you get out what you want to get out–don’t hold it in–and see if the counselor can help him open up enough to find the words to tell you why he loves you. I think you both deserve those things.

Good luck!

Post # 4
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I think you should definitely bring it up, don’t settle!  It sounds like he kind of just gave in; no offense, but like you said there was not much  effort on his part.  I think you have every right to let him know it’s not what you wanted, and like you said it was not because of the lack of ring, but thoughtlessness of it all. 

Post # 5
540 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

LaborOfLove– I totally agree! You need to talk about it, because guys see things differently and can’t read our minds. 

Maybe just sitting down and talking about how much fun you have when he does (if he ever did..?) romantic things for you, because the positivity will encourage him more than just nagging at him (something I try to be really conscious of, and do more than I would like). If you need him to show you more attention, love, passion, etc. he needs to hear it!

I can totally understand why you are upset about the proposal, and I think that talking to him about it, maybe with a counselor, would really help him understand why and how he could maybe fix the problem.


good luck girly!

Post # 6
243 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree you should tell him how you feel and he should listen.

Thank him for what he did and tell him what you need.

You really shuldn’t settle and I’m sure he wouldn’t want you you too.

Post # 7
1104 posts
Bumble bee

I need more information about why this man is “a great catch” when he sat on the couch to watch soccer after proposing, lies about having no money (bc he obviously does, he just chooses not to spend it on you, which is his right, but still he should be honest about it), breaks promises about when he is going to propose, never takes you out for dinner, and can’t even come up with a single reason as to why he loves you. It seems to me that you deserve more from your future husband 🙁

I have to say I’m right up there with blaming Hollywood and fairy tales for filling us all with very high expectations that mortal men can hardly hope to meet, but still…mortal men should be able to say “I love you because…” and have at least ONE reason…

Post # 9
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

 I see how guys can feel too much pressure for “perfection” from their girls, but maybe they don’t understand is that all we want is something that shows they put a little effort. 

It sounds like you’ve communicated with him a lot on this one.  I’d say that he’s probably not going to change and you just need to ask yourself if that’s something you can live with. We all have our flaws and part of the key to finding a mate is not finding someone who’s perfect, but seeing their flaws and deciding if you can live with them or not.

Sucky though!  I’m sorry and I think you’re feelings are justified.  If it makes you feel any better my parent have no engagement story at all and have been happily married for 30 years now.  I think their story is that after 4 years my mom gave my dad an ultimadium and he said, ok let’s buy a ring and that was that.

Post # 10
1982 posts
Buzzing bee

In answer to your question about having to justify loving you–no. I don’t think you ever have to justify, but if my Fiance were asking me why I loved him, you better believe I’d come up with some chintzy little answer like “Because you love me back!” or something like that.

Mountain.bride made some good points, really. It’s great if someone’s warm towards you when they come home, but if they’re not meeting your needs emotionally, it’s time for a re-evaluation.

Post # 11
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand about the not romantic bit.. some guys are just like that. My guy is not mushy mushy, doesnt woo me off my feet. Hes a blokey bloke. But he tries, but I have to say something first, before he tries.

My FH had no idea that he was supposed to ask my father for permission. He just thought well im marrying her so ill ask her. He only thought it was people did in movies lol.

Communication is the key, he may not even be aware that he should have tried?

Post # 12
1487 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with what others have said.  My proposal wasn’t romantic AT ALL, but my Fiance is so sweet to me all the time, I couldn’t be upset.  A tad bit…wistful, perhaps, but that’s it.

For the record, he gave me the ring in a parking lot, after we had bought printer ink, and before we went grocery shopping.  On SuperBowl Sunday.  But we already lived together, and we were already planning a wedding,

But the point is, if you ARE disappointed (and I see why you would be!) the biggest problem here is really communication.  And if you’re going to marry this guy, I would want you to be damn sure that he really loved you the way you deserved, and you weren’t just making excuses or rationalizations like “well, I know he loves me, even though I don’t get x, y, z from the relationship.”  There’s compromises, and then there’s concessions, and too much of one is infinitely more toxic than the other.

And lastly, I 100% agree that he should be able to come up with at least one reason why he loves you.  Fiance and I have this dorky little thing where he says “I love your face!”  So I say “the whole face, and nothing but the face?”  And he says “No, all the other parts, and the face too.”

Yeah, we’re complete dorks, but I never feel unappreciated.  Or unloved.  Ever.

Post # 13
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not big on romance but I’d be pissed that he lied.  It’s not that you came up with all the unrealistic expectations on your own, he led you to believe he had something special planned.  I’d ask him, so honey, did your original plans not work out?  I know you said you wanted it to be perfect so I thought you were going to buy the ring and… what happened?

I don’t think a succesful relationship needs romance but it does need love and for both parties to feel loved. 

Post # 14
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

One thing that my mom has always told me is that you absolutely cannot change anyone… meaning I can’t change my fiance nor can he change me.  Therefore, when I decided this was the man I wanted to marry, I knew that his imperfections and annoyances were something I could live with.  I believe these things will only get worse over time if one kids themself into believing a man/woman will change to appease the other.  So I made sure that what drives me nuts about him is something I can tolerate for the rest of my life.

With frequent communication, we may be able to compromise and talk through what drives us bonkers about each other.  However, communication alone doesn’t necessairly mean he’s going to change.

Having said all that, it sounds as if your man’s lack of romance is a real sour note for you.  Unfortunately, if he hasn’t changed after 5 years, this might be one of those things that you’ll have to accept about him for the rest of your life.  You should let him know how the proposal made you feel and how you deserve a ring if he’s out purchasing toys for himself.  However, you can’t ‘make him’ do anything and at the end of the day, why would you want to make him do these things?  You deserve more!!  Anywho, alert him to your latest feelings and and then let it go for a while.  Speaking from experience (as I had a ex-boyfriend who treated me the same way), prepare yourself for the event that nothing will happen as how you’ve described, history usually repeats itself.  So maybe you need to take a step back and determine if this is REALLY the right man for you?  Good looks, intelligence, the ability to make fast friends, etc… will only take someone so far.  There’s SOOOO much more that it takes to make a relationship work for life (through the good and the bad). 

I wish you lots of luck and hope things work!

Post # 15
1045 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2008

This site is recommended on here a lot, but I’d advise visiting http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/ and taking the assessment together to see what “love languages” you each have.  It can be very helpful to show each other what you need to do, to make sure the other person feels appreciated and loved.  Maybe he’s showing his love in “Quality Time” and “Acts of Service,” whereas you really want to receive “Words of Affirmation” and “Physical Touch.” 

I haven’t read the book, but my husband and I visited the website after I read about it on here, and it was interesting to look over the results.

But yeah, it sounds like he needs to put in some more effort, and illustrate to you that he really does care.  Not all relationships are full of romantic big gestures and fireworks, but he should’ve been able to pull it together at least to ask you to be his bride.  It sounds like he’s coasting along because it’s comfortable (and he’s getting away with it), but you need to make sure your needs are being met as well as his.  Good luck!

Post # 16
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

So I’d like to be very honest and I hope you don’t take this the wrong way.

The proposal: While most men have a hard time with proposals, they manage to come up with how they’re going to propose on their own. Your situation sounds to me like he realized that you wanted him to propose and at this dinner he figured he’d make use of this nice romantic situation that he didn’t have to put any effort into. No ring? That means he didn’t even plan to ask you that night, it was just an afterthought.

The rest: Your man sounds like he is just hanging around in a comfortable situation with someone who allows him to just be there without any effort. He’s sort of along for the ride. He can’t tell you why he loves you? He can’t make any sorts of nice gestures toward you? He lies to you about money? Does he pay any attention to you at all except when he gets home from work? A really important question: how much of your relationship and situation is something you’ve put together? What I mean is, has he invested any of his time or emotion in the relationship or are you the glue holding things together?

Step back and consider why you’d like to marry this man, I mean *really* consider it. Picture where you’ll be mentally and emotionally in 10…20…30 years if you remain in the relationship, knowing he’s not going to change (locking him in a room isn’t going to make him write you anything romantic). If you’re ok with the idea of your relationship continuing as is for the rest of your life, then you should most certainly marry him. Otherwise, I think you should reconsider.

Life is a long time to spend with someone who continually disappoints you.

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