(Closed) Disappointment with Friend Vendors friendors

posted 10 years ago in Logistics
Post # 3
1379 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

I want to tell you "forget about it and move on" but I know I wouldnt be able to do that. I also know you are going to see this person often in your future so you don’t want to just leave yourself feeling uncomfortable with her every time you see her.  If I were you, I would set aside some time to sit down and write a letter to her.  You wrote here very clearly all the reasons you were disappointed with her.  Try writing a letter directly to her.  I am not saying you have to send it — but once you get your feelings out on paper – you will get a better perspective on it.  Once you write everything you’re feeling down — go over it again and maybe cut some of it and only get to the really important things.  You will know that you got it all off your chest and then … I would say, you have to forgive her and move on.  You are married, you are happy, you are healthy — take that with you every day!  Sorry about all that happened to you, but I’m glad to hear your wedding went wonderful!

Post # 4
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I would be upset too! 

To be honest, she should have told you as soon as she had the other event, and let you decide what to do.

I think it’s awful that she felt that, since you’re organized and things went fairly well, that you didn’t need her. You wouldn’t have asked if you didn’t!

I would do as HumarockBride said — write a letter, but I’d actually send or give it to her. She needs to know exactly why she disappointed you, and she needs your point of view.

I don’t deal with conflict well in face-to-face interactions, so I would do totally do the letter because you can choose what you say and you don’t have to worry about getting flustered, so you can say what you want without fear of losing your cool or (as I do when I get stressed) shedding a few tears.

Tell her that you were disappointed because she didn’t make it clear to you until 3 weeks out, that she had another event to attend to. And that you would have made other plans if you’d known that she wasn’t available to you.

I think a friendor should deliver the same services to someone they know as the do, as a vendor receiving payment.

If you don’t get it off your chest, I’m guessing it’ll just sit and stew and irritate you.

 Good luck!!! 

Post # 5
18 posts

Obviously, at this point there is little that can be done for the vendor/bride realtionship. It’s not as if she can give you a refund.

But it seems like this is someone you consider a friend, and with whom you’d like to keep a good relationship. And this experience is getting in the way of that. I know it’s not comfortable, but it sounds like you just need to sit her down and talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel and why you feel that way. Allowing it to fester isn’t going to make either of you feel better, and will more than likely just cause the resentment to grow. I bet that once you two talk it out, honestly and calmly, you’ll both feel better. Neither of you can change what has already happened, but you can certainly change what it means to your future.

Post # 7
596 posts
Busy bee

i’m glad that you feel better about this now and you are able to move on.  for whatever reason, weddings bring out the worst in people sometimes!  especially when we are talking about friends and loved ones, we take it for granted that we have matching expectations so there is no need to lay them out explicitly. 

kudos to you for being able to move past this and continue on with the friendship.  enjoy being a newlywed and don’t let anything shadow this happy time in your life!

Post # 8
20 posts
  • Wedding: October 2009

I’m glad you have picked up and moved on. But in my opinion, you’re not giving yourself enough credit. The way I see it, your feelings are totally valid, and you have every right to be disappointed. Your friend not only told you she would be there, but she told you that she would help you… if it were me, I would be doubly hurt by her actions, as she wasn’t there as your guest nor as your DOC. I don’t think it’s a communication issue on your end as much as on hers. Surely she knew about the other wedding more than three weeks in advance (right?). Obviously, she should have communicated that with you up front… the same way she would if she were a guest unable to attend your wedding and found out before the RSVP. Sure, it’s uncomfortable to be faced with that choice (make some killer cash or help out a friend), but you can’t just sweep it all under the rug until the last minute… especially since she had already committed her time to you. You may feel that you didn’t communicate enough, but she was definitely in the wrong.

The bride is often put in a tough position during the planning and execution of a wedding. It seems the term "bridezilla" is thrown out at every instance of confrontation. This, combined with the fact that this person is a friend of yours and her choice hurt you, is quite possibly why you kept your mouth shut when you learned that she was bailing on you.

On that note, you’re absolutely correct in that you should never assume. But you also shouldn’t accept that type of treatment. At least you have been forward enough to communicate your feelings with her. I’m surprised she was not more understanding.

Regardless, congratulations on your marriage! I’m glad everything went okay, but I’m sorry you had to deal with that added stress.

Post # 9
2292 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

I hate to say it, but it is often true – you get what you pay for.  In this case, you got more than you paid for (since you paid nothing).  Did you get what you would have expected had you been paying for the service?  Absolutely not.  Is there anything at all you can do about it?  not really.

We had a number of friends provide services for our wedding, and insisted on contracting all of them as if we were anybody else.  Why?  Because we wanted them to treat us as a customer, as far as providing the service.   If we got extra effort because we were their friends, that was fine.  But honestly, it’s their business, and they deserved to be paid for it.  And it prevented us from being in any sort of situation, as it sounds like you were, where we got less than expected because somebody else was actually writing them a check.

It’s always iffy working with a friend – just like selling a car to a relative.  Anything that goes wrong is going to affect the relationship, even if you don’t mean that to happen.  The more you can separate the businnes and personal parts of the relationship, the better off you may be.

Anyway, I’m sorry it turned out this way.  I’m sure that your friend meant well, and possibly she did believe that you didn’t really "need" a DOC.  Possibly she never intended to be your DOC, as that’s not necessarily included in the job of wedding planner – often the DOC is someone else, and possibly that’s where your communication issue factors in.  (That’s also where an actual contract would have made things much more clear.)  I do hope you can get past it – but you should also probably remember in the future just how dependable your friend really is, so that you don’t end up getting burned again.

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