(Closed) Disconnected from husband after baby

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
327 posts
Helper bee

I have not personally but have friends who are doing marriage counseling. They went through the church they were married at for it because they couldn’t afford it on their own either. They are not very religious, but were brought up in the same faith and just take from the sessions what seems most useful to them. They have been going pretty much weekly about five years now. They started their second year of marriage.

Post # 4
Member
327 posts
Helper bee

Even if you have to go yourself at first (hopefully he would start to go with you eventually) it could only help.

Post # 5
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

I know you’ve posted about this in the past, and your DH has been a jerk about a lot of things since you had the baby. Do you feel like you’ve gotten enough help and support for your PPD?

I know it’s hard to give up a family pet that you’ve had forever, but I think you have to try to accept that a dog who bites an infant isn’t acceptable to have around a child, and the biting wou probably only get worse as your baby turns into a grabby, rambunctious toddler. Hopefully you still get to visit your dog often.

PP sex was painful and uncomfortable for me for about 6 months, and I wasn’t even dealing with the emotional disconnect with DH that you are, which could only make things more difficult. It takes time for the body to heal. Hopefully the physical pain will go away soon, but I definitely think there is a lot of emotional work to be done. I have a feeling you will have an uphill battle trying to get your H to go to counseling with you since he doesn’t seem to see the issues and since he wasn’t interested in going to your PPD therapy :/

Post # 6
Member
3302 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Oh I am so sorry. I know that PPD can be so dangerous. Can you afford counseling for yourself? Are you on any type of medication? You seem to know on some level that your feelings of resentment toward your child are a problem. Your husband has become the focal point for that resentment. Please look into some type of affordable treatment. I rarely say that people “deserve” anything, but you do deserve a better life. 

Post # 7
Member
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Having a baby is an enormous life adjustment (as you know!), and that’s a gross understatement. It can take a long time to adapt, to let go of how things used to be, and to accept how things are now. In our case it was DH who resented how our lives had changed. It wasn’t until he opened up to me and told me how he felt that I could begin to appreciate it and work with him to improve things. I felt awful when he told me he wished we could go back in time and never have our daughter, but it was better for all of us once I knew where he was at and could understand his point of view. It took time, but he’s feeling better about things now (she’s almost 2).

Counselling is an excellent idea because I’m hearing that you’re still suffering, and that you feel you are without the support system you normally have and that you should have– your husband. I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart and explain to him what you’re feeling, and maybe work together on finding some reasonable things he can do to help you feel better in this situation.

And don’t beat yourself up over the sex, and don’t feel pressured to perform. But you need to talk about it. It took a long time for me to want to have sex again, and for it to feel comfortable (physically and mentally). That’s normal. A friend pointed me to this podcast on the topic that helped a lot: http://longestshortesttime.com/podcast-48-the-parents-guide-to-doin-it/

I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time. You are most definitely not alone, though.

Post # 8
Member
9799 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Yes, I would totally listen to that podcast ^^ !  I listened to that one it was pretty good.

I’m sorry OP.  I didn’t have PPD but DH and definitely had lots of bickering and arguing.  And I would say it was definitely was rough some days.  But it did get better.  Mostly we argued about who was doing more work or more tired- between cooking, cleaning, watching baby, jobs, getting up at night. Blah blah blah.  It just took some time to figure out and find a system that worked.  It also involved letting go of some things (like certain things being done on time).

Yours is still really little so I’m sure that’s part of it.  It’s completely normal for sex to be uncomfortable.  I felt uncomfortable until maybe around 7 or 8mo after.  Maybe you should have your husband listen to that.

I would concentrate on seeing someone for your own PPD, and that would also help your relationship with your DH.

Post # 9
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It’s only been 3 months! Be kind to yourselves and don’t feel like you have to be the “perfect couple”. This is an amazing time in your life but also an extremely stressful time of overwhelming change, so lower your standards for success. Give yourself the time to heal emotionally and physically.

Post # 10
Member
2309 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

DH and I got to counseling and have been for over a year. We go every three weeks. It is sometimes hard to go to talk about our problems  but I am glad we do. It is healthy and we are learning effective communication skills. Your insurance should cover it as we only need to pay $15 per session. 

Post # 11
Member
2155 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
Daizy914:  

Hey, one of my friends had PPD and she said that feeling better was a gradual process, and it took her a full year before she felt completely herself again. My advice to you is to not try to feel better, not to be hard on yourself, not try and feel anything different from how you are feeling, but instead let time pass and trust that the feelings will come back, it’s just a gradual process that can’t be forced. My friend said that the more she tried to ”find her love for her husband and her baby”, the further away any loving feelings felt.. and that it was only once she fully accepted the present situation without forcing anything, that her body and mind started to heal. It’s been 4 years now and she has another little child, two boys, and is very happy with her husband.. she said that during PPD she felt like a different person and alongside ”giving it time” it’s important to make sure that you’re on medication that’s working for you.

Everything will be fine.. just give it some more time 🙂 3 months is not long.

Post # 12
Hostess
4625 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

You could look for counsellors who are residents (might be the wrong word). I’ve gone to someone who was in the process of getting her degree and she is awesome 🙂  The cost difference was tremendous as well. 

Post # 13
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Some of you know me on here and have no idea whats going in my personal life right now but I feel I need to post this to help OP.

I felt the exact same way as you after having my daughter in 2013. I too received councilling for PPD and DH was not all supportive. I totally get what you are saying about the feeling of resentment you are having, I have been there.

I am sure there is a fix for this but I am still trying to find it 2 years later.

At first we didnt talk about it and became quite distant. I opted to take the second bedroom over sharing a bed with DH. We eventually found time to talk to each other about it and get off our chests how we are feeling. He was not understanding at first but slowly saw things from my point of view.

We make time to go out for dinner just the two of us once a month. It gives us time to be adults and talk.

unfortunately for us we currently do not have a physical relationship but we are best friends. Perhaps that is not a healthy marriage but it currently works for us. We not enjoy being in each others company and once again to other people on the outside we are a perfectly happy family. Reality is something a little different but we potentially have our whole lives to figure thigs out.

We will get there eventually i am sure, but it take time to recover from depression. I wish you all the best.

Post # 14
Member
2015 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Some of you know me on here and have no idea whats going in my personal life right now but I feel I need to post this to help OP.

I felt the exact same way as you after having my daughter in 2013. I too received councilling for PPD and DH was not all supportive. I totally get what you are saying about the feeling of resentment you are having, I have been there.

I am sure there is a fix for this but I am still trying to find it 2 years later.

At first we didnt talk about it and became quite distant. I opted to take the second bedroom over sharing a bed with DH. We eventually found time to talk to each other about it and get off our chests how we are feeling. He was not understanding at first but slowly saw things from my point of view.

We make time to go out for dinner just the two of us once a month. It gives us time to be adults and talk.

unfortunately for us we currently do not have a physical relationship but we are best friends. Perhaps that is not a healthy marriage but it currently works for us. We not enjoy being in each others company and once again to other people on the outside we are a perfectly happy family. Reality is something a little different but we potentially have our whole lives to figure thigs out.

We will get there eventually i am sure, but it take time to recover from depression. I wish you all the best.

Post # 15
Member
7365 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I have nothing add but sending a cyber hug to you OP. And to you to 

View original reply
ChocolateLime: for sharing your story. I think so many times only the positive highlights of parenthood get talked about. How amazing and it is. It’s so refreshing to hear of the other side as well. 

The topic ‘Disconnected from husband after baby’ is closed to new replies.

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