Discouraged about dating

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ChasingZenith :  

How can I say this gently . . . I can’t.  I don’t do gently.  I do direct.  Ten years with the same therapist and you’re still struggling mightily with relationship issues?  Could it be you’ve gone as far as you can go with this particular therapist and it’s time to move on?

It’s not mere happenstance that you keep ‘running into’ men with commitment issues.  You’re attracting them.  You’re drawn to them.  The reasons are not necessarily anything you’re aware of consciously.  Have you explored your own feelings around commitment?  Dig deep.  

Post # 17
Member
618 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

ChasingZenith :  hi bee, just wanted to give you some hope… I had a 7 year relationship that ended at 25, then 3 short relationships in between meeting my ex-husband at 27, and we divorced when I was 33, and I definitely felt like giving up hope. I thought there was no way I could compete with gorgeous, slim 25 year olds on online dating sites (I’m quite curvy). I also had a raging biological clock which I’m sure was coming out of my pores on dates and scaring the life out of men. So I started thinking there was little hope and I should probably investigate having a baby on my own etc (my egg reserve is low so I didn’t feel I had much time). With that attitude in tow, I still went on tinder, thinking it couldn’t do any harm and quite frankly, was keen for a cuddle. On the 3rd date I met my current partner and yesterday we saw our baby on ultrasound.  I’m 35. Anything can happen! Keep an open mind, look after yourself first, and keep a little glimmer of hope in your heart. It’s awesome that you are learning to stop relationships in their tracks when they aren’t meeting your needs- this took me years. I actually had friends semi- intervene with my current partner because I one stage I thought he was too nice, and my friends were like “cause you always date d$&ks!”. I had to learn what it felt like to be in a healthy relationship that wasnt filled with drama, distress, arguments etc.   Stay positive and do lots of self-care, you are a spring chicken. Who knows where things will be in a year, 3 years, 5 years? Sending hugs xxxxx

Post # 18
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

What’s your list of wants in a guy? You write a lot about turnoffs, but your bad luck in dating has such a specific and similar pattern. It’s not like one ex cheated, one ex was a criminal, one ex was lazy, it’s like all the guys have the same flaw, which makes me wonder what you do look for in guys and why you pass on the guys you pass on. 

You’ve cast your net in a varied way too, you have hobbies and friends, and you’ve tried different dating sites. You’ve dated at different ages and in different states in your career. The common thread is you liking the guy and him not being up for committment/not being an adult. Just lukewarm duds that lead you on. 

From the way you write I feel like you’re kind of an analytical person (same here), so maybe it would be good to sort of project manage this problem, once you feel ready, of course. I’m all for some light wallowing in good doses 🙂 I think you should revise your selection process and think about whether some of your “must haves” aren’t as important as you think they are, and if maybe you’re passing too quickly on what could be good prospects. I see this quite a bit with my high achieving girlfriends who are single and dating, and many of them have the manboy/committment phobe pattern too, but quickly dismiss potential dates based on things that I really don’t think are that important in a longterm relationship. 

Just a thought! Best of luck bee 🙂 don’t give up! 

 

Post # 19
Member
448 posts
Helper bee

I think its great that you’re recognizing when you’re going out with the wrong man, but it sounds like you’re also not giving potential right guys a chance. The guy with dip on his lip may have been a great guy, but you’ll never know!

Post # 21
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

I actually don’t think the fact that you keep running into non-commital men necessarily has anything to do with you. There are a couple population factors that could be at play. If you live somewhere, like NYC, where the female to male ratio is >1, men are generally less inclined to commmit. That’s a pretty universal trend across cultures worldwide. Second, a lot of men who are more inclined to commit do it by their late 20s (and get married). There are definitely some still in the dating pool in their 30s, but the ratios reduce. 

You could be perfectly normal and still predominately run into non-commital men. 

Online dating can work, though I think it’s less successful in places like NYC. Another method is to expand your friend circle in order to meet friends of friends. Try getting involved in mote hobbies and when you arrive focus just on making platonic friends. Odds are decent you will find a good match at a party your new hobby friend invites you to. 

Post # 22
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ChasingZenith :  

Interesting thing about men who supposedly “can’t commit”.  If you factor out the true Failure to Launchers, most men commit just fine.  They commit to their careers, their educations, their sports, their friends, their pets, their hobbies—they can commit when they want to.

I’m glad you’re becoming more assertive and more cued in to warning signs.  Patience is certainly a virtue—to a point.

Post # 24
Member
11001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

ChasingZenith :  

Yup.  Sounds like one you want to throw back.

Post # 25
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

Try lowering your standards superficially, that might help
Or you could try community services, picking up a new social hobby -this way you’ll be having fun/giving back and also meeting new people too!

Post # 27
Member
1680 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

ChasingZenith :  happy birthday!! We sound very similar and I’ve had a lot of the same luck that you’ve had. It can seem like a very small pool of date-able suitors when you have a professional career. I actually met my now Darling Husband at the gym, he got on the treadmill beside me and I know it’s cliche, but it sort of happened when I least suspected it would. 

But before that I was engaged at 23 (I broke it off in grad school), then I was in a relationship that I was cheated on, then after grad school I moved to USA for post-doc and had what was a great relationship, with a guy who ended up being very insecure about me earning more than he did. I moved to another state and had another relationship that just didn’t go anywhere and then I moved home. I did a lot of online dating, it was very weird when I met someone IRL without my initial online screening “non-smoker, good grammar, no crazy ex drama” lol! 

I think good things will happen for you!!

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors