(Closed) Discovered my S/O has a porn addiction. Please help! :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Ambient + Studio

It sounds like you already know what you need to do as far as this relationship goes.  It appears he’s not the only one with an addiction. YOU are addicted to HIM or at least the thought of him!  This is the deal– you cannot fix him.  He has issues that he needs to work on outside of you.  And because he already has an addictive personality (drugs/porn/etc) anxiety or stress may cause him to delve deeper into those behaviors that he finds temporarily pleasurable.  You stated that your trust level with him is at ZERO.  That speaks volumes.  It’s time to break ties with this guy and its understandable how it can be difficult for you.  But— you have to let this go.  You need to be able to make your SON happy and fulfilled and not spend time and energy on someone who is having a hard time respecting relationship boundaries.   You and your child deserve a man that respects you, your son, and can be a strong leader and role model in your family.    Don’t compromise for the sake of not wanting  be single. Don’t compromise for the sake of not wanting to hurt his feelings.  Most importantly, don’t compromise for the sake of feeling like you are “engaged.”  Take care of yourself so that you can give your all to your 5-yr old. He deserves to see his mom happy with herself and eventually happy with a man that makes you feel on top of the world 🌎

Post # 18
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

“Do I just need to harden up? Or are my feelings valid?”

No and yes. You BOTH decided on “no porn” so regardless of what is normal, or what other people think, you both decided on something in the relationship. He not only went against this but used cam girls?

No thank you. As you’ve all said, there’s more at play but on that alone I would leave my guy. Some wouldn’t, I would.

Choice is yours at the end of the day, but please do what is best for you <3

Good luck bee!

Post # 19
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: LA Athletic Club

I am so sorry you’re going through this. I think the main concern is that he lied directly to you. I can imagine he was embarrassed of admitting the truth but lying makes the entire situation worse. If you have ZERO trust then the relationship is toxic and you deserve to be happy. There are men and woman who watch porn, if that is their preference then that isn’t my concern. However, I do believe a healthy relationship requires honesty and openness. I think you should really express your concerns and be open about your feelings. You have to also take into consideration that he could potentially just tell you he’s done watching it and wont do it again, however by your post I am making the assumption he frequents those sites. You can also suggest him receiving therapy or a behavior modification program to work on his “addiction” to porn. 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 5 months ago by  mm0601.
Post # 20
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Well if the only problem was that he was watching porn just for the sake of gratification then I would have suggested making your own videos with him when you visit but you said he didn’t want that. Which to me right there is a red flag. My Darling Husband is away right now for three months for military training and he begged for us to make videos, but then porn isn’t a part of our relationship.

 

In your situation it sounds like there is a lot more going on and a lot of factors complicating this. It sounds like your relationship is deteriorating and it sounds like he is fine with that. You on the other hand seem hell bent on “fixing” this but I’m not sure that’s the best idea at this point.

If I were you I would relinquish the control you’re trying to have and give the relationship some space. Let everyone decide what they really want before you start trying to work on things. What he’s doing isn’t right but your death grip (pun not intended) on this guy has got to chill out a little bit. 

Post # 21
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

You’re 25. Why oh why would you pursue this relationship with someone in another country, with a track record of addiction issues and a serious family dysfunction? What are you getting from it? I would suggest dumping him, getting your degree and some therapy to do with your self worth and enjoying a relationship with a man who is ‘present’ in all meanings of the word. I say this with love bee – seriously you don’t need this. 

Post # 22
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Just want to add that the fact that he said he would leave you if the tables were turned….huge red flag. I would not pursue a relationship with someone like that. But you don’t seem in any way ready to let this end.

Post # 23
Member
1746 posts
Bumble bee

If he had problems with drug addiction, has he replaced that with ‘porn addiction’?  People can discuss whether or not that’s a real thing, but he seems to have replaced one feel good mechanism with another.    

Post # 24
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2017

While I am not completely against porn or think it’s cheating, I definitely understand where you are coming from.  If your fiancé considers it cheating and is doing it, that is a major warning sign that he just does not respect you or the relationship.  I don’t know if it is an addiction but he has had problems with addictions in the past.  However, I wouldn’t view it to the addiction level yet and I think he does have the ability to know what he is doing is wrong, hurting you and that he should stop it and can stop it.  I was in a long distance relationship for five years (not as far as you two are) but it is incredibly hard.  You need your communication skills and trust in each other to be essentially perfect.  Without it, it will just cause more stress and hurt.  If it were me, I would hold off on the relationship until it is no longer long distance.  

Post # 25
Hostess
9689 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Chicago, IL

All I can say is that you are way too young to tie yourself down to someone 1) in another country, 2) with a drug addiction, 3) with a dysfunctional family and 4) with a porn addiction.

I would tell you to run, but you don’t have to. You’re literally separated by sea and land. Move on with your life and find someone local that can treat you and your son right.

*I want to add that my biggest concern is that his porn addiction is so great that he can’t even get off when he’s with you after not seeing or touching you for LONG periods of time. That alone would be a big NOPE for me.

Post # 26
Member
5954 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I was just going to say the same as FutureDrAtkins: . You are way too young to take on all that baggage. There is way, way better in life than him and you deserve better. Sounds like you have a long history, but that’s okay. Best to get out now while it’s easier!

Post # 27
Member
1418 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Some people willl say to drop it and that its no big deal because “every man does it!” but if you two decided this is a no-no, thats it. its not acceptable no matter what anyone else thinks or accepts in their relationship. This is going to be REALLY hard to get past, especially since you are long distance. Honestly I dont really see what you are getting out of this relationship but i do understand your son and him have an attachment and that can get really sticky. 

something ive found helpful to myself is this awesome website: http://www.fightthenewdrug.org.seriously check it out. 

I hope you can get this figured out but I understand how heartbreaking and horrible you must feel. good luck bee. <3

Post # 28
Member
575 posts
Busy bee

Yeah, I think I would be done with this relationship. Not because of the pornography, I think it’s common and normal for a man (especially in a long distance relationship) to look at porn occasionally. The cam girl sites where you can play an active role  and the fact that he’s looking at it frequently are definite red flags though. 

The other big issues are the drug problems and the fact that his father hates you. I wouldn’t want my son in either one of those situations. He deserves a strong family bond and a stepfather and grand stepfather that respects and cares for his mother. He will learn how to treat other people based on the way the men in his life treat people. 

Post # 29
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

OP, my heart is aching for you. There is nothing wrong with you or your values. be proud of who you are and what you believe in, and never, ever compromise that for someone else. Porn may be common, but it’s certainly not healthy. Why on earth would you accept this treatment? Please leave him and find someone who will respect you. 

Post # 30
Member
2453 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly, I think you just need to break up. You’ve be dating off and on for two years, your views don’t match up, he was addicted to drugs, his family doesn’t like you, and you are long distance. I’m sorry for being so blunt but there are so many red flags with this relationship and you are getting upset over porn. If that’s considered cheating then break up for good . I personally do not find it to be cheating but you do and he knows you do. 

I don’t see this relationship working out. Sorry bee, save yourself the trouble and the heartache and break up now instead of trying to make it work again to probably only break up later again. 

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