(Closed) Discovered my S/O has a porn addiction. Please help! :(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

heputaringonit:  YESSSS I knew OP had been on here before….isn’t the fiance allegedly in medical school/a doctor? and his mother is a total psychopath and when they broke up last time, despite the parents hating her, she apparently started begging OP to take her son back because he threatened to hurt himself? LOL maybe I’m mixing this story up with another.

Anyway, OP, this is a hot mess and absolutely not worth the effort. You’re 25, things shouldn’t be this hard. Let the relationship go and move on, it’s broken and not worth fixing.

Post # 47
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

writersblock:  Absolutely. There has been many studies that prove how damaging pornography can be not only for the relationship but for the inidividual doing it. For those who think it’s no big deal, that’s their choice and that’s fine. Im not the kind of girl who tells my other half that he can watch naked women anytime he wants because that’s just what boys do. 

This guy has some serious issues. And how messed up is it that he said if it was OP that was watching porn, he would dump her. This guy is a hypocrite and a child. I wouldn’t waste another second with this guy. OP needs a man who will love and respect her. 

Post # 48
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

at1021:  Be proud of yourself for acknowledging there are problematic issues at hand; for confronting the FI; and for wanting to make a change for the better.

It absolutely seems that your Fiance has swapped one addiction for another; that he doesn’t see ommission of events as blatantly lying; that he is not on the same page as you if he doesn’t view his watching porn as a dealbreaker however if the roles were reversed he’d tell you goodbye.

The fact that whenever you’re in the country visiting, it is a secret from his family as his dad “hates” you is disconcerting. Does his family know you are engaged then? Would they welcome you with open arms if you were to marry this guy? Would they disown their son? Would he be okay with that considering he still lives with them and off them?

You and your son shouldn’t enter a union with this guy when there is so much hostility and complete lack of trust.

I’m glad you have taken the time to really evaluate the whole situation. I get that it’s easier to talk to Bees on here than your own family/close friends because of the level of objectivity.

Before you decide, just step out of your shoes and into ours; read what you posted and then ask yourself what advice you’d offer this young, intelligent, kind and lovely lady with the rest of her life ahead of her.

You’ll have your answer and it’ll be clear as day. Good luck OP!

Post # 49
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

milabeehappy:  this X 1000!!! I wish more people would respect themselves enough not to settle. I know it can be hard, but it all starts with self respect and self love. It’s easier to find someone who feels with your values then. I’m so glad I never settled!

Post # 52
Member
230 posts
Helper bee

“Personality brings people together: character keeps them together.”

This man has no character. I’m always suspicious of guys with wealthy parents. I’ve been watching this TV show called Southern Charm and all these kids from affluent homes have no character. You need a man with similar character, i.e., values, including honesty and loyalty. Character is even more important when kids are involved, if you want them to grow up and become like their father. This guy seems more like a spoilt rich kid who never grew up. He doesn’t seem anywhere near you in terms of maturity. You come across as somebody with the maturity level of a 35-year-old woman whereas he seems more like a 15-year-old boy.

You’re making the right decision by cutting yourself free. If you weren’t I’d have said, ‘If you want a fixer-upper, get a house, not a guy.’ ๐Ÿ™‚ The thing that struck me when first reading your story was that you had the level of commitment of a married woman, the way you had stayed with him during his drug addiction, but he had so little commitment to you. Loyalty is a beautiful thing. May you find a good man who is as loyal to you as you are to him.

Post # 53
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

at1021:  It’s refreshing that you’ve not got blinders on. You’re viewing your situation with a level-head. You’re taking the opinions and advice on here in stride and not getting defensive. This assures me that you are capable of and willing to make sound decisions (thank goodness, phew!).

Hmmm…his family life sounds very messed up. He should grow up, get his stuff together and get a place of his own. How can he make independent decisions at the current rate? I’m sorry you had to witness his father’s abuse even via a call.

No friend should ever start accepting another friend being in an unhealthy and toxic situation as “normal” or “acceptable”. My friends are like my family and I, at the risk of losing my friend, will ensure that I let them know if and when I am worried about their well-being and why. When the dust settles they will realize it was out of love. A true friend will not sugarcoat things that need brutal honesty present. I expect the same “love” in return!

We are here for ya Bee! Sometimes you’ll need us to pull a bandaid off, or other times you’ll need us to apply one. No matter the case, we’re here!

You go girl!

Post # 54
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

at1021:  almost got it;)

So, think about everything you’ve just written…you’ve only been together two years, you’re only 25 years old, and in this time he: lied about being in medical school (wtf?!), his family is nuts, you’re in a VERY LDR, he lies to you, cheats on you, gaslights you, and…..you honestly think these are just the normal “bumps in the road”….?

NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE. A relationship really, really isn’t this hard. If your friends are telling you to hang in there, they’re giving you terrible, terrible advice. Why would you want to be with someone who has lied to you about very important things, is completely untrustworthy and who, from the sound of it, you basically don’t really know?! There is nothing worth saving here; unless you’re someone who gets off on the drama (which I’m starting to suspect, because seriously, no one would put up with all this crap) for your and your son’s sake: MOVE ON. 

Post # 56
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

at1021:  Id say most of my friends are not ok with it. I have noticed there’s a big number of bees who are fine with it. I never understood why that’s necessary if you are in a relationship with someone. Pornography sets-up very unrealistic expectations of sex and of your spouse. No woman can compete with porn and they shouldn’t have to IMO. I know a lot of girls will say “as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life…” But to me if, if you have a happy and healthy sex life with your partner, you shouldn’t need to watch porn or can girls. But hey, that’s just me. A lot of girls would disagree. 

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