Post # 46
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
heputaringonit: YESSSS I knew OP had been on here before….isn’t the fiance allegedly in medical school/a doctor? and his mother is a total psychopath and when they broke up last time, despite the parents hating her, she apparently started begging OP to take her son back because he threatened to hurt himself? LOL maybe I’m mixing this story up with another.
Anyway, OP, this is a hot mess and absolutely not worth the effort. You’re 25, things shouldn’t be this hard. Let the relationship go and move on, it’s broken and not worth fixing.
Post # 47
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
writersblock: Absolutely. There has been many studies that prove how damaging pornography can be not only for the relationship but for the inidividual doing it. For those who think it’s no big deal, that’s their choice and that’s fine. Im not the kind of girl who tells my other half that he can watch naked women anytime he wants because that’s just what boys do.
This guy has some serious issues. And how messed up is it that he said if it was OP that was watching porn, he would dump her. This guy is a hypocrite and a child. I wouldn’t waste another second with this guy. OP needs a man who will love and respect her.
Post # 48
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
at1021: Be proud of yourself for acknowledging there are problematic issues at hand; for confronting the FI; and for wanting to make a change for the better.
It absolutely seems that your Fiance has swapped one addiction for another; that he doesn’t see ommission of events as blatantly lying; that he is not on the same page as you if he doesn’t view his watching porn as a dealbreaker however if the roles were reversed he’d tell you goodbye.
The fact that whenever you’re in the country visiting, it is a secret from his family as his dad “hates” you is disconcerting. Does his family know you are engaged then? Would they welcome you with open arms if you were to marry this guy? Would they disown their son? Would he be okay with that considering he still lives with them and off them?
You and your son shouldn’t enter a union with this guy when there is so much hostility and complete lack of trust.
I’m glad you have taken the time to really evaluate the whole situation. I get that it’s easier to talk to Bees on here than your own family/close friends because of the level of objectivity.
Before you decide, just step out of your shoes and into ours; read what you posted and then ask yourself what advice you’d offer this young, intelligent, kind and lovely lady with the rest of her life ahead of her.
You’ll have your answer and it’ll be clear as day. Good luck OP!
Post # 49
Member
770 posts
Busy bee
milabeehappy: this X 1000!!! I wish more people would respect themselves enough not to settle. I know it can be hard, but it all starts with self respect and self love. It’s easier to find someone who feels with your values then. I’m so glad I never settled!
Post # 50
Member
19 posts
Newbee
newlywednewbie: Yes, it’s the first LDR I’ve had and have tried to take everything in stride, alot of “it’ll get better when we’re together” or “it won’t always be like this”. But it’s incredibly difficult when simple things are not respected. I’m being bombarded with messages/calls and stuff all over social media, very hard to deal with. Give me strength!!
Post # 51
Member
19 posts
Newbee
Hausfrau: So close! That other situation was mine but I couldn’t remember the login details so just made a new one. Nearly there in that he lied about med school (sorted that one out), went to therapy to deal with his addictions/behaviours, FATHER is the psychopath (no change), mother is ok with me and is one of the main reasons we got back togther (her intervention). So we separated for several months aaaaaaaand then this popped up.
Yep, definite mess. I’m getting 101 promises but all words and I’m tired. So focusing on school and son atm! 🙂 Which is actually quite hard.
milabeehappy: I’m surprised at the amount of friends (especially female friends) who have told me it’s a part of every relationship and is considered normal. I’m guessing maybe it’s just people accepting it because it’s too hard to deal with. But no thank you!
lorelaigrace: I like to be as upfront as possible so as soon as I knew, I had to have it out with him. He does alot of stupid, unacceptable things that I’ve allowed to let slide (which says alot more about me I think). The family situation is definitely not normal. His family know we’re engaged and his father will never welcome me, repeatedly threatened to disown him blah blah blah. I’ve been on the phone when his father has been raging and I tell you what, I’ve never been as scared as I was when I heard the amount of verbal abuse being hurled and I was merely listening via CALL. I’ve spoken with my friends about it but they’re used to the drama within my relationship that they think it’s normal for me to have something new come up. It’s easier hearing things from Bee’s because you are in no way invested (without sounding hurtful), it’s blunt and without any sway either way. Thank you for your input!
writersblock: Very true 🙂
Post # 52
Member
230 posts
Helper bee
“Personality brings people together: character keeps them together.”
This man has no character. I’m always suspicious of guys with wealthy parents. I’ve been watching this TV show called Southern Charm and all these kids from affluent homes have no character. You need a man with similar character, i.e., values, including honesty and loyalty. Character is even more important when kids are involved, if you want them to grow up and become like their father. This guy seems more like a spoilt rich kid who never grew up. He doesn’t seem anywhere near you in terms of maturity. You come across as somebody with the maturity level of a 35-year-old woman whereas he seems more like a 15-year-old boy.
You’re making the right decision by cutting yourself free. If you weren’t I’d have said, ‘If you want a fixer-upper, get a house, not a guy.’ 🙂 The thing that struck me when first reading your story was that you had the level of commitment of a married woman, the way you had stayed with him during his drug addiction, but he had so little commitment to you. Loyalty is a beautiful thing. May you find a good man who is as loyal to you as you are to him.
Post # 53
Member
206 posts
Helper bee
at1021: It’s refreshing that you’ve not got blinders on. You’re viewing your situation with a level-head. You’re taking the opinions and advice on here in stride and not getting defensive. This assures me that you are capable of and willing to make sound decisions (thank goodness, phew!).
Hmmm…his family life sounds very messed up. He should grow up, get his stuff together and get a place of his own. How can he make independent decisions at the current rate? I’m sorry you had to witness his father’s abuse even via a call.
No friend should ever start accepting another friend being in an unhealthy and toxic situation as “normal” or “acceptable”. My friends are like my family and I, at the risk of losing my friend, will ensure that I let them know if and when I am worried about their well-being and why. When the dust settles they will realize it was out of love. A true friend will not sugarcoat things that need brutal honesty present. I expect the same “love” in return!
We are here for ya Bee! Sometimes you’ll need us to pull a bandaid off, or other times you’ll need us to apply one. No matter the case, we’re here!
You go girl!
Post # 54
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
at1021: almost got it;)
So, think about everything you’ve just written…you’ve only been together two years, you’re only 25 years old, and in this time he: lied about being in medical school (wtf?!), his family is nuts, you’re in a VERY LDR, he lies to you, cheats on you, gaslights you, and…..you honestly think these are just the normal “bumps in the road”….?
NONE OF THIS IS NORMAL OR ACCEPTABLE. A relationship really, really isn’t this hard. If your friends are telling you to hang in there, they’re giving you terrible, terrible advice. Why would you want to be with someone who has lied to you about very important things, is completely untrustworthy and who, from the sound of it, you basically don’t really know?! There is nothing worth saving here; unless you’re someone who gets off on the drama (which I’m starting to suspect, because seriously, no one would put up with all this crap) for your and your son’s sake: MOVE ON.
Post # 55
Member
19 posts
Newbee
southerncharm: Aw I watch that show when I’m in the states and my reaction is always “are you serious?!” It makes for good entertainment but that’s about it 😀 (That guy Tom (??), what a scallywag!) When we first became a couple, our values were aligned and things seemed perfect but it’s just wearing away as time passes. It gets harder and harder to remember the man I first met when things are hard. When things are good, it’s easy but when there are issues like this, it’s beyond difficult. I’m constantly checking my electronics (phone/emails) so it’s not like I’m totally independent and free from it all because that will take aLOT of time.
lorelaigrace: It is very very hard to discuss this without allowing feelings to dirty the insight. I’m taking the opinions as they come (if you can’t handle what people say, then you really shouldn’t have asked in the first place!). Thankfully, the feedback has been constructive and it’s easy to see the different point of views.
I could talk your ears/eyes off with the family drama but in a nutshell, he’s not independent, everything has to be done with his family taken into consideration which hurts. As for my friends, they are very supportive! Both when I decide to separate from him or when I go back. Believe me, they don’t sit on the sidelines and let things go for their own means of entertainment. It’s my fault as I keep going back. My closest friends and family have said their piece and majority of the time, it’s what I need to hear (or fear to think). I too appreciate honesty. Thanks beautiful!
Hausfrau: Mmm, my friends tell me whatever I decide, they’ll support me (mainly because I don’t listen). Alot of it comes from stubborness and I guess misguided loyalty in wanting to make things work no matter what. There are better ways to say things, I don’t “get off” on drama. I will admit to being slightly stupid in love and in wanting to fix things, you put up with crap because you’re committed to making things work, in this instance, it’s one-sided. I am at abit of a low point, in terms of confidence and respect but things will get better!
Post # 56
Member
1472 posts
Bumble bee
at1021: Id say most of my friends are not ok with it. I have noticed there’s a big number of bees who are fine with it. I never understood why that’s necessary if you are in a relationship with someone. Pornography sets-up very unrealistic expectations of sex and of your spouse. No woman can compete with porn and they shouldn’t have to IMO. I know a lot of girls will say “as long as it doesn’t interfere with our sex life…” But to me if, if you have a happy and healthy sex life with your partner, you shouldn’t need to watch porn or can girls. But hey, that’s just me. A lot of girls would disagree.
Post # 57
Member
19 posts
Newbee
milabeehappy: Yes and I can relate to your viewpoint. I myself don’t subscribe to that thought but respect differences in opinion. I guess the catch in my situation is that I thought we were both happy, evidently not. I made do with what we had and it was enough but that clearly wasn’t the case from his pov. Porn – completely unrealistic and inspires all sorts of negative emotions within me!
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