(Closed) Discrepency with Tradition of GROOM’S CAKE…help?!

posted 7 years ago in Food
Post # 4
Member
1747 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

She sounds annoying (especially when she starts speaking in a different language right in front of you) and I would be annoyed.

We have certain expectations for people and they can never really live up to them entirely so I would just focus on all your joy at this time instead of letting her be the buzz kill.

If you’re not comfortable with calling it a “groom’s cake”, you can make up an entirely different name, like you did. I don’t know if other people are contributing or paying for groom’s cake these days, but hey, like you said, one less thing for you to worry about.

Post # 6
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You talk to your baker and tell him that you are paying for the cake and if it is not what you want then he can send the bill to FMIl.

My question is why do you let your Future Mother-In-Law talk to vendors and have such an upper hand in everything if she isn’t paying for it.

Fiance wanted his parents to come along to meet the vendors I told him hells no, never and it was a big argument but I knew there wuld ahve been a zillion more if the parents had come along, and they are paying for 1/2.

Post # 7
Member
693 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think I’ve only casually heard mention that it was supposed to be from the Bride to the Groom.  If it’s something that’s special to the groom I don’t think anyone will care who paid for it.  It’s just supposed to be something fun and give variety to the dessert options.  (That said, you are justified for being annoyed.  C’mon, we’re supposed to be team players here!)

On my end though, I almost tried to track down a Batman cake to surprise Fiance with.. that is until we finalized the menu with the caterer and Fiance spontaneously decided we needed a chocolate fountain. πŸ™‚  Talk about variety!

Post # 9
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

sorry – double post

Post # 10
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I wish I had some advice to give you, but I don’t πŸ™

I do think it is beyond rude when anyone speaks in any other language in front of someone that does not speak it though. No matter what the situation! That was definitely uncalled for, and something I wouldn’t stand for. Maybe you can have a word with your Fiance to somehow politely ask her to only speak English when she is around English speakers?

Post # 12
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tuscanbride:

Maybe it’s time you don’t “keep the peace.”  I “keep the peace” so much that I don’t flip out and yet at the FPIL, but I definitely do not include them, ask for their opinion, or remotly try to be friends, becasue I know especially Future Mother-In-Law is incredibly oppinionated and needs her way, prob much like yours.  You are well in your right to say, this is my and Fiance wedding not yours an we want to plan how we want it,

Who is paying for the vendors?  If it’s your fam I’d tell yout vendors, I am your customer, not Future Mother-In-Law so if she contacts you talk to her all you want but it has nothing to do with MY order.  I’m sure wedding vendors have delt with crazy relatives wanting to take over.

As far as language goes, yeah My Future Father-In-Law ONLY speak in their language as well.  I swear that they agreed among themselves that they will not speak a word in English to me (and yes they can speak English) even Fiance doesn’t.  I can sit there nudging his leg and after a while he’s like ‘What?’  When his fam wants to ask a question about me they will ask it to FI!  I sit there and pretend I didn’t hear anything, I mean I’m right goddam there and there are a bunch of things I can understand!  If he doesn’t know they may ask me.  Next time I’m gonna flip shit when they do that, for real.

So bring a book, gameboy whatever, ignore ignore ignore.  It really ruins my day when we go see them and I can’t wait to move and have an ocean seperating us as we plan to do. One of the major reasons I can’t freakintg wait, to not be near his blasted family.

Post # 13
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Warning–long response!

I know this person, even if I’ve never met her.  I’ve got quite a few relatives just like her.  She wants to be involved but doesn’t want to pay.  She throws a fit that makes everyone uncomfortable so they give in–“being the better person”.

First–the groom’s cake.  Yes, it is a gift from the bride, but not always.  However, it is usually pretty elaborate and decorated in a theme that matches a hobby of the groom.  For instance, a 3-D Yankee Stadium.  A simple sheet cake or round cake would not be the done thing–no, no, no.  Maybe you want to make suggestions to Future Mother-In-Law what it should look like, jack the price up to several hundred (or thousands) dollars.  Of course you want something special for her son.  She may change her mind about it…It is usually cut up and boxed for guests to take home, although many serve it as alternative flavor at the wedding.  Also, it is often served at the rehearsal dinner instead.  The example below is nice, but would be considered a little lame–not elaborate or detailed enough:

University of Georgia Groom's Cake

Some other advice:

1–Learn her language.  Her power is that she can have a conversation you can’t understand.  It will take a long time, but make the effort.  Your life will be so much easier

2–Speak to all vendors and remind them that their contract is with you/your parents.  Any changes need to be personally approved by you in writing, regardless of who has offered to pay.  Hopefully this is their policy anyway, but have the conversation.  Undoubtedly, they deal with this crap everyday.  I could tell you about a caterer who was screwed out of a $1,000 ice sculpture that the Mother-In-Law ordered but wasn’t approved by the FOB who paid for the wedding.

3–I am appalled that the baker treated you like that.  He NEVER should have had a private conversation in another language.  Honestly, I would have cancelled my order, letting him and Future Mother-In-Law know exactly why.  If any other vendors speak her language, let them know that all conversations regarding your wedding will include you and be in English.  Even if she is speaking her language, they must respond in English.  Needless to say, they should not be having phone conversations with her (see #2)

4–Have a long talk with Fiance about the situation in general.  Her behavior is going to affect your whole lives.  I understand that it is very difficult to stand up to someone like that, but he must support his wife.  Period.  Also, this is a party your parents are hosting–this is extremely rude behavior towards them and he should realize that.  I had a little bit of a problem with this–DH didn’t even realize he was doing it.  Now I remind him.  When it came to the wedding, all I had to say was “tell your mother I’ll take a personal check from her”.  The subject would never some up again.

5–While it is a little tacky to keep reminding someone that they aren’t paying, this may have to happen.  Even better if it comes from your mother. “FMIL, FOB and I are very happy to throw this wedding for our daughter and your son.  We have everything under control.  I am sure that your guests and you will have a wonderful time at our party”  If she really wants to be bitchy, she can add “we don’t need your input on how to spend our money”.

6–Definitely pick your battles, but don’t be afraid to battle.  Some people may disagree with me, but sometimes you have to stand up to a bully.  This may involve you bursting into tears and threatening to call the whole thing off because you can’t have the wedding YOU want.  If you can do it in front of her family/friends even better.  Childish?  Immature?  Kind of fun?  Yes. Yes and yes.  But the melodrama is what she understands.  And she would be mortified that people think she is being mean to this sweet girl and taking over the wedding.

7–I am very traditional and think it is important to respect your husband’s mother.  However, she needs to respect you too.  I saw my mother put up with this kind of thing for years, although she pulled a #6 when really necessary.  Weddings do bring out the worst in people, but nip this kind of behavior in the bud NOW or it will never stop.

You really only asked about the groom’s cake but I’ve dealt with my own family since birth!

Post # 16
Member
4771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@tuscanbride:

Poor you.  For me on the other hand it is actually quite easy for me to keep Future Mother-In-Law out of wedding stuff since I told Fiance I deal with my dad and you deal with your rents.  But who does all the planning and communicating with vendors?  Moi!  And Fiance couldn’t really care less so score for me.

If Future Mother-In-Law wanted to talk to vendors I’d just tell her that she cannot since obviously if she cannot even speak English to me than how would she possibly speak to a vendor?  (Getting married in Ireland where they don’t speak dutch! yey) So another scrore for me!  So keeping them off my back has been easy, of course I’m not looking for a relationship with them becasue if I were I’d have to try to include them more πŸ˜›

@Georgia Bee:

Was that all serious?  I could have sworn some of thoes paragraphs were pure sarcasm.  It was confusing.

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