(Closed) Discuss: Planning your wedding can be very isolating

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 4
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@lazy:  I feel the same way. My fiance is trying to be sweet and make sure I get what I want, but I also want the day to be about US. Not just me. I want his opinion. I want him to make decisions too–or at least weigh in on the decisions. 

The other things that have been isolating for me is that my sister (my MOH) recently got divorced, so she doesn’t really want to talk weddings much at all (and I don’t want to make her uncomfortable)…and my Mom doesn’t seem excited about planning the wedding either (I’m guessing due at least in part to the drama over my sister’s divorce). My Mom always says she thinks of my fiance like a son, and she was genuinely happy about our engagement–said it was about time–so I expected her to be super involved or wanting to talk plans/details/etc. However, it’s been the exact opposite. She’s happy about the engagement, but when it comes to actually planning ANY details about the event, she avoids talking about it, changes the subject or has to get off the phone (we live in different parts of the state). She hasn’t even booked a plane ticket to come and look at venues with me. I realize we have loads of time to plan, but we’ve been engaged for a few months now, and her avoidance is starting to hurt my feelings. My fiance even began to wonder if she wasn’t on board with our wedding…

So yeah…I’ve definitely felt isolated. Part of me thinks that if it continues to go on like this, my fiance and I should just elope–or have a smaller destination wedding without the stress.

Post # 5
Member
4687 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Upstate NY

@lazy:  You COMPLETELY, totally hit the naol on the head. I feel like this wedding is ALL on me. Others offer to help.. but not really. My guest list is spinning a little out of control and my parents and Fiance keep telling me “everything will work out”.. but I’M doing all the planning and if it doens’t work out it’s all my fault.

Also, I don’t wan’t to talk about my wedding with people beause they either a) don’t care or b) give me unhelpful, super opinionated and unsolicited advice.

Very isolating. Fun usually, but isolating.

Post # 6
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

OMG, agree. So very, very much agree. I just had this rant with my mother the other day. People ALWAYS go on about bridezillas, but THEY TURN US INTO THEM. 

A bride has a million decisions to make. It’s decision overload. Our sweet, well-meaning, oblivious fiance’s want us to have the wedding of our dreams (and also not have to listen to one more thing about colors, flowers, or food), so they leave all the decisions to us. I was in a floral meeting a week ago, and here was how it went:

Florist: So, let’s hang something in the trees. Lanterns?

Me: Sounds lovely!

Florist: Or you could do ornamental hangings with flower petals.

Me: Ooh, I like that idea.

Florist: Ok, jar shaped, or more ball-like?

Me: Um…

Florist: And what kind of flowers?

Me: Um….

Florist: White? Purple?

Me: Can I do both?

Florist: Of course! Alternate some with purple and some with white, or purple and white in both?

And that’s ONE tiny detail. I look to my mother and she shrugs and says, “Whatever you like.” And that’s how it is on so much! And yet then you make a decision, and someone will raise an eyebrow! “Oh, you want ALL purple?” in that judgmental tone! You’re expected to make all the decisions, AND please exactly EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THE HUNDRED PEOPLE who think they get to have opinions! And then even the sweetest Fiance will say something like, “Relax, it’s only a wedding!” Yes, YES it is only a wedding, will you please tell that to your mother who is sobbing because I picked the wrong floral arrangement?! Then you blow up and the dreaded bridezilla word comes out. 

I love wedding planning, and I have been incredibly fortunate with a lot of things – an amazing group of bridesmaids, the world’s sweetest and most enthusiastic wedding planner, a photographer I adore – but some days I just want to pull my hair out and climb under the covers and pretend we’re eloping in some exotic destination where no one will judge me for anything! Even with a wedding planner to help with the stress, the decisions are ultimately up to me and me alone, and no one understands the kind of pressure that’s on a bride to make the day amazing for every guest while also undergoing a rather radical moment in life! I wish someone would sit our grooms down and explain that sometimes they need to make decisions because we can’t make one more without our heads exploding…and that the word Bridezilla should only be used in the most extreme cases. We’re crazy because everyone is making us crazy!!!

Post # 7
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2016

@tirralirra:  Wow, you just described me exactly. I literally got a headache from the rush of relief after Future Mother-In-Law and I decided on all of the floral and decor details. For months, we’d done this dance of what do I want, what kind of flowers, what shades of pink, closed buds of roses or open blooms, ivory vs. cream on ribbon on the boutonnieres, etc. etc. etc.

 

If I were dealing with anyone else, not my Future Mother-In-Law, I’d have requested them to put me out of my misery and please, for the love of God, proceed to make the decisions for me, because I really. don’t. care. Just give me shades of pink, some cream/ivory to break it up some, and I’ll be happy.

 

Honestly, who would look at the floral arrangements and be like, “I like the watermelon pinks of the snapdragons, but the fuschia roses are too stark of a contrast against the ivory hydrangea. Oh, on closer inspection, the hydrangea is actually cream-colored; hmm, she should have gone with the ivory instead.”

 

/rant. Whoo, felt good to get that off my chest.

Post # 8
Hostess
8579 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

It’s the same for me.

Although, Fi has made a few deciding choices – when he shows interest in a particular detail of the wedding, I make it work somehow. He’s chosen part of the wedding colors, some of the food, some of the decor & he wants a chocolate fountain.

Wedding planning has very much put a strain on me & my mother though. Me & fi are paying for everything, and we’re trying to have the wedding of our dreams on a budget we can manage. We are getting little help from my parents [which is fine with us], they will be buying a few bottles of alcohol for the reception. But, my mom has tried taking over the planning – to the point where she asked my boss if we could have the wedding in his backyard.

He has a gorgeous house, but I don’t want a backyard wedding – nor did I want to ask anyone for help. I’ve basically had to tell her to bug off, and she’s pretty ticked at the moment.

Post # 9
Member
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Yes.. Completely. I thought it wouldn’t be like this because I’m pretty organized and am lucky to have a bit of time off right now, but it just keeps getitng crazier because I’m realizing just how many vendors are involved, which multiplies the possible outcomes of everything. And everytime one of them takes a week to get back to me, it throws everything else back a week..

I think it’s a bigger burden on any bride who has their own creative vision. I keep feeling like if I don’t specify every tiny thing, half the vendors will default to some really boring average looking stuff, and the other half will sneak in a bunch of crap I don’t want and over-charge me for it!

Lastly, I had this fantasy in my head that my mom would be into helping me with this, she’s not at all… sigh

Post # 10
Member
78 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@tirralirra:  YES. THIS. SO MUCH.  It feels like a no-win situation – no one is willing to trump the bride and make a decision, yet when the bride DOES make a decision, it’s all, “REALLY? That’s what you decided?”  And then my favourite closer of all time, “…oh but it’s your wedding!” *facepalm*

Post # 11
Member
3766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Totally agree, which is why finding the bee was so helpful. It was nice to talk wedding and read comments from girls who are going through the same thing, especially because I needed to talk sometimes but I didn’t want to bore people. I have mostly guy friends who weren’t interested in my rants, as well. So horray for the bee. We’re all in the same boat, or we have been and survived.

Post # 12
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@lazy:  I agree and I disagree. In the planning – yes. I say that this sucks when it comes to being alone and being depended on to make huge decisions. It’s weird and yes – as you mentioned – isolating.

I think it’s also isolating because all we think about is wedding, wedding, wedding. Our friends and family can only take so much of it at a time. We have to learn to turn it off and try to keep the conversations normal and therefore not discuss all the logistics and decor issues running through our heads. This is also isolating.

I disagree – because there are parts of it that have brought me closer to FIL’s, my sister’s and even my bridesmaids. I made Bout’s with one Bridesmaid or Best Man. I go out to coffee more with two of the others. My sister’s each have their own area – I took one with me to help with a photog. The other is my Maid/Matron of Honor and is doing my shower/bach parties.

These things have made me feel more loved and closer to these people than I coul’ve ever imagined. SO this is where I think I get to not feel so isolated. 🙂

Post # 13
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I can totally relate, I feel the same way.  All I get is “I don’t know” for everything, even for really important things.  I get attitude all over the place like this is just too strenuous for them to even think about what’s going on, and meanwhile I’m juggling chainsaws over here.

 

The best part is that I’ve been sending the invoices and estimates to the people who are paying for it (my family and FI), and now they are SHOCKED and APPALLED re the amount (after refusing to set a hard budget) and are pointing the finger at me.  Fiance is threatening to come in and just bulldoze over stuff without regard to how I feel or what I’ve done.  This is after, btw, I explicitly said, “You know how you can help?  Read the invoices, let me know when it gets out of hand for you” and they all agreed that was the best way to go.  I’ve sent them everything as soon as I’ve gotten it, and even followed up with an “is this ok” phone call to each and every person.  Now they’re saying “$300 for an oven??? Why???  We had no idea!!!!”…except that not only is it clear as day in the estimate, I also took them to the venue site and pointed to where the caterer had to set up their own kitchen since there’s not one on site.  Yet, still somehow it’s on me and all my fault.

 

Having the weight of all of it for something for everyone else’s benefit and having the responsibility of their angry feelings because they’re not doing their own parts (which is…reading…not too hard when I’m PLANNING AN ENTIRE WEDDING) feels very alone. 

ETA: Btw, I’m moving apartments alone and working 40 hours per week.  My family members are retired and have no hobbies, so them being unable to follow through on even reading someting is honestly just hurtful.

 

Post # 14
Member
8461 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@lazy:  It does and I love it.  I enjoy the feeling of isolation to a degree (not total isotlation, but just not being bothered).  I generally dislike family and people, so the only opinions I want are from the few people that are close to me.  Being able to make most of the decisions on my own has made the wedding feel more “mine.”  I think since my parents were super negligent, being alone never bothered me.  I’m sure this isn’t normal though (I’m messed up, but I like it that way lol). 

Post # 15
Hostess
12052 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

in my case, I’ve been engaged for all of 3 weeks but I want to get married next spring and things where I live book up SUPER fast.  Every time I think we’ve made a decision on something (Venue is the current) my FH says something like ‘well, actually I liked this better’ after I’ve been working on the decision to book location A – I’ve had long chats with their caterer to figure out costs, I’ve figured out all their ‘hidden fees’ and now he says maybe he wants to other place.  Are you kidding…help me out here, if you want me to plan (he has no interest in planning a wedding although I want his input) then you can’t flip flop all the time like this.

 

My sister is baby obesseed (has a 10 month old) my mom is generally a people pleasing flake so she has no ability to help make a decision.  My wedding obsessed friend has suddenly become less wedding obessessed (although I think she’s in the middle of finals so she’s excused).  It’s just frustrating to have so little help.

Post # 16
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I haven’t had this problem but it’s because of a trifecta of reasons:

– I have an opinion about almost anything, so I could pick out stuff all by myself and be fine.

– My Fiance also has an opinion about almost anything, and he is the only one I talk to about wedding stuff, because I know no one else really cares (why would they?).

– I don’t care that deeply about the details. I may have an opinion that “blue is better than purple” but if purple is what Fiance really wants or is what’s in the budget, purple it is! Moving on!

It’s actually a very social activity online (thanks to the bees) and not particularly social in person, but I think there’s lot of stuff we all do in life that’s not particularly social, and we don’t mind doing it more-or-less alone…(“mom, which dentist should I choose to go to? Do you think next Tuesday afternoon will be good for me? You’re coming with me, right?”) 

The problem is when you have the expectation that it’s supposed to be a big social thing. I think that’s what causes the letdown. There seems to be a stereotype that prepping a wedding is a big social thing for the bride and all her female relatives and friends. The more familiar you were with that stereotype, the more lonely planning it mostly alone could feel.

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