(Closed) Discuss: What leads you to be cfbc and would you change?

posted 4 years ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
4552 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am in an interesting situation. Whilst I identify firmly as childfree, I also have known fertility issues.

I have known since my mid teens that I would not have an easy task getting pregnant, and the chance of this naturally occuring was next to nil. Even at this young age I thought ‘ok, not a problem’.

I am in my mid-ish 30’s now and am very comfortable with my life with my husband. I am a godparent, and have a niece and two nephews who I enjoy and am involved with. For me that is enough. I don’t take to babies, and NEVER want to hold them. I suspect I would have found Motherhood very depressing as I like a lot of space and need a very firm routine.

I think it is natural to second guess most life decisions- but I am ok with mine. My life is comfy, my house is paid off in a few months, and I have freedom and peace. That is enough for me.

I don’t question why others want to have children- but that gig is not for me.

 

Post # 3
Member
1125 posts
Bumble bee

We are pretty selfish…we like having a) free time/sleep b) the ability to work part time and still afford to live in a high cost area (impossible to do if we had kids..we’d have to move to a bigger place and feed more people!) and c) the ability to travel.

I am a nanny for work, and people think it’s funny I choose to work with kids and not want any of my own. But honestly, it’s perfect for me. I do love kids, but there’s a HUGE difference between getting paid and only being with them 3 days a week for 30 hours, versus 7 days a week…all 168 hours…forever. It is definitely the right choice for us, and we will not change our minds. We chose the vasectomy route so no accidents happen. 

Post # 4
Member
10857 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Even as a young child, I didn’t want to be around kids.  I always preferred the company of adults.  The whole issue is basically flipped for me.  It was never a matter of would I decide not to have kids.  The only question was whether there was some force on earth that could make me decide to have kids.

The answer was No.

Post # 6
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

I also fall into that “fertility issues, but also CFBC” category, with the caveat that my fertility issues are pretty much resolved, and that I was CFBC before I knew about my fertility issues.

I decided when I was four years old that I did not want children.  This was when I watched my mother give birth to my sister – it was a midwife-attended home birth, and there was lots of blood, screaming, and swearing.  Her episiotomy from when she had given birth to me tore back open.  Pretty horrifying for my four year old self.  I knew then and there that I didn’t want any part of that mess.  NOT HAPPENING.

At 14, I was diagnosed with severe PCOS, and was told (among other things) that I would likely never be able to get pregnant, and that if I did, I would almost certainly not be able to carry the fetus to term.  This was awesome news to me.  (The doctor thought I would be sad, and was taken aback when I grinned like a loon, so he then followed it up with, “You’ll be dead by 35.”  Asshole.)

When I first met my partner, I was briefly overwhelmed with “honeymoon period” chemicals and thought, “Oh, wow, I don’t want kids, but maybe it was just that I didn’t know the right guy…because I would like to have his kids…”  Apparently he had the same experience, because there was a period of about 3-4 months when we were talking about having a child or two.  Then the oxytocin and serotonin and stuff calmed down, and we returned to our normal “Yeah, thanks but not just no thanks but HELL NO” frames of mind.  It was very surreal, actually.  It’s strange to have such concrete evidence of how our emotions really are just chemicals and electricity.

In 2012, because of a disability, I started taking a medication that can cause congenital birth defects, and that also interferes with hormonal birth control, and (despite the fact that it also causes a whole HOST of other side effects, and the fact that I was absolutely experiencing these side effects, and that it said right in my chart that I had PCOS and was effectively infertile) every single doctor I spoke to for the next several years was concerned only with the fact that I might get pregnant, and if I got pregnant, the baby might have problems because of this medication. It wasn’t long before I was practically shouting to the roof that if by some weird chance I did get pregnant, I would have an abortion immediately.  The doctors finally got the message and shut up about it.

At this point, my weight is low enough that it’s pretty much guaranteed that any fertility issues caused by my PCOS have been nullified.  So far, our birth control methods have proven effective.

 

Post # 7
Member
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I just don’t want kids and I don’t need to explain or justify why. And there is nothing that would change my mind. if I was one of the last humans I think I would maybe change my mind but it would have to be dire. 

Post # 8
Member
555 posts
Busy bee

I was emotionally decided well before puberty that kids were not for me. Nature followed suit and I was rendered infertile. To most people reading that, it’s devastating. I went out with friends as soon as I was able and got snot faced in celebration! Kind of an anti baby shower lol

No power on this earth, or any other, will ever make me try to reverse my situation. 

Or as Darling Husband so eloquently puts it- “It’d be like running Satan’s gauntlet just to get into Hell”

 

Post # 9
Member
4552 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Polyphemus:  Whaaaaat? (about the dead by 35 bit) I too was diagnosed with PCOS at a similar age, what made the Dr say that? All of my research on mortality and PCOS lead me to the understanding that with good management there is little difference in life expectancy.

Post # 10
Member
1002 posts
Bumble bee

Olivepepper:  Yeah, this doctor was a complete asshat.  He also told me that I “was going to grow a penis,” and apparently spent over an hour discussing my condition with my mother without me present (which was totally inappropriate, since it’s a sex hormone condition and there are some very specific laws in this state about children over the age of 13 and their right to medical privacy and information any time sex, sexuality, and gender may be impacted).  I ended up going out on my own and doing a bunch of research over the next couple of years, and tossing most of the medications he had put me on into the bin.  The hormone panel that the lab ran was accurate, but his understanding of PCOS and what it was was just…super old-fashioned and not at all useful or anything.

Post # 11
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

No confirmed fertility issues, but I did have several treatments for abnormal cells in my late teens and early 20s that meant carrying a pregnancy would be more complicated AND my mother and grandmother both had multiple miscarriages (between 8 – 15 each) so a genetic specialist I was seeing for other issues once told me that it is possible my family carries a certain mutation I could be tested for that increeases risk of miscarriages.

But, none of thaf matters. I am childfree as ultimately I do not *want* children or *want* parenthood. In my teens and twenties I still thought I would one day want them (because that is the narrative right  – everyone wants them eventually!) but procrastinated having them and made a commitment I would not have kids until the desire was truly there AND it made sense in my life. But ultimately, as I got older, it turned out the desire was there…not to have them. This came as I got more into my career and living my life on my own terms (experiences, etc) but the impetus was really meeting and marrying my husband – I realized, wow, I did nor want to add extra people to *our* relationship, to change our dynamic from life partners, to parents, and so on, what ee had was special and I wanted to nurture that, not throw in the hand grenade of a baby (as Nora Ephron calls new babies in marriages).

Ultimately, I want my life to be my own and I just do not want kids or parenthood. Of course, there are many reasons I support that “unwant”. Everyone is different, but *my* ideal for my life is one best lived is without kids. I enjoy my personal space, quiet time, freedoms, ability to travel relatively unencumbered, to participate in hobbies that are not compatible with responsibilities of parenthood, to take financial risks (i.e. open a new business), to devote time to my career, to go to the gym when I want, to make last minute plans on a weekday or to go away for weekend, to binge watch non-PG television shows, to eat or not eat dinner when I want, to sleep in on weekends, to not be driving children from one thing to the next, to save for retirement with my husband not college or univeristy (again!), to not be sucking snot out of baby noses or wiping baby shit off walls, to never worry about tearing my vagina to shreds, to not worry about passing on certain hereditary risks, to not be caretaking after others, to have plenty of quality time with my husband, to always see each other as romantic life partners, not “ask your dad or “ask your mum”, I have sort of always felt “been there and done that” as I was oldest sibling and helped care for my younger siblings, the list is endless. Oh yeah, and a rather big one is that I rather dislike children. I have zero interest in babies (I am the one who closes my office door she  someone brings in babies for others to coo over) and find other children at best “tolerable for very short periods of time”, even if I am related to them. As a whole, I find then irritating, needy and demanding, uncute, loud, sticky, repetetitive, dull, and so on. The occasional kid is more interesting but still has the kid traits.Give me cats anyday.

Any what ifs I have are in the context of seeing others my age with kids, young or old, and thinking “I am so glad that is not the life I chose”. I had an abortion after an unplanned pregnancy (birth control failure) when I was very young and so am very keenly aware how different my life could have been. Over 20 years later and that abortion was one of the best decisions I ever made. 

I am 36. I am sterilized. I feel very happy and comfortable with my choice and look forward to my childfree future. No, I don’t worry about changing my mind and no, nothing will change it. I have only felt more certain of my choice as time had gone on. Realizing I was childfree – that not having children WAS an option – was one of the most freeing things in my life. I have no desire to mess with that!

Post # 12
Member
4552 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Polyphemus:  Wow, what a douche. So sorry you had to deal with all that. 

Post # 13
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

garnobella:  

Marginally flexible, in that we would absolutely keep an Oops! baby and we would likely step in as guardian to a young relative before seeing the state step in. Other than something like that, we’re sticking with us.

 

 

 

Post # 14
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

If we had to step in as a guardian to our nieces or nephews we definitely would, and if there was an Oops! Pregnancy we’d definitely have to weigh our options because the choice of terminating the pregnancy or not would be left up to me and neither of us really know how we’d feel if we ended up in that position. That being said, if after a long discussion and a decision to keep the baby, we would step up to the plate and be loving parents no matter what. 

Otherwise, there’s really no future i can see in which we both make the decision to actively try to become parents lol. 

Post # 15
Member
893 posts
Busy bee

garnobella:  when I was younger I assumed I’d have kids one day, but in my mid 20s I realized that I never had that deep down desire to be a mom. I was open minded and waited to see if that would ever kick in. when it didn’t by the age of 37, my husband had a vasectomy. so there’s no going back! 

I know child raising is crazy hard — more than just an 18 year commitment — and you have to really want them to be ok with all the hard times. not only was I not up for the baby/toddler phase, but I was also not up for homework, volunteering at schools, a kid of any age waking in the middle of the night because he has a stomach flu and is puking everywhere, hormonal teenagers, college. what if we just don’t get along so I barely hear from them when they’re adults? oh, and the overwhelming mom worry that apparently never goes away (which in me would probably turn into full blown anxiety)!  the list goes on and on.

some people might think of that as selfish or lazy. I think it’s responsible. I have absolutely no business raising a human if I have zero desire to. that’s just a recipe for damaging somebody. I’m not willing to find out. 

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