- 7 years ago
- Wedding: September 2009
FH is friends with the friend of one of my friends. We’ll call her Sarah. FH and Sarah met after we were dating, and FH periodically has lunch with Sarah. I have always had a bad vibe about her. She is always a lot more friendly to FH than me. I heard from a source I don’t completely trust that before we were married, she told several people she liked FH (she definitely knew we were dating/engaged) and a few people told her to leave him alone. I found out about this during a high-stress time, discussed it with then-FI who was concerned, and then I think we both forgot. (I continued to not like her, just forgot about this conversation.) I have talked to my friend about her, but not the part about her liking him. My friend, whom I trust, said she trusts Sarah 100% and that I am being jealous. Even though he knows I don’t like her, has never hidden anything from me. FH has also tried really hard to have good boundaries here, which don’t come naturally for him- growing up, sex was a topic you discussed with everyone, emotional intimacy wasn’t any different between SO and other friends (the only difference between a friend and SO was sex). Also, Sarah was raised in Catholic schools and all of her friends are in an EXTREMELY Catholic conservative group (don’t talk about sex with anyone, birth control is wrong, etc.).
I decided that maybe this was my issue, so at a recent party FH wasn’t able to attend, I saw her, and really tried to have a pleasant conversation with her, with the intention of inviting her to coffee soon, figuring it might make me feel more comfortable with them hanging out. While not rude, it was really hard to have a conversation with her, mostly one-word answers from her, and she was a lot cooler to me than she is when FH is around.
So…I have continued to not voice concerns about them having lunch together, since I trust FH. They had breakfast together yesterday morning (they were supposed to have lunch, but FH had to cancel). He told me that they had a very meandering conversation, which went from discussing abortion to birth control (FH is in medicine, so this isn’t that unusual) and Sarah discussed her method of birth control and how it has caused depression. She also brought up how people don’t learn enough about sex, and was discussing the “She comes first” book. This made me very uncomfortable and I explained this to FH. His response was that he grew up having conversations like this, and he has toned this down considerably, to the point of getting grief from friends. I explained how it was different since we think she likes him (or at least did before we were married), which he admitted he didn’t remember the conversation (this is legit since it was a super-stressful time). I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I said how much friendlier she is to him, which he responded he has never seen her be anything but friendly to me, and I said (bursting into tears from frustration and hurt) that she is a lot nicer to me in front of him. He got quiet in that “oh, I didn’t realize this and it’s a problem.” I asked to delay the conversation since we were on the way to a work event and this wasn’t a good time to have the conversation. FH had to leave on a business trip early this morning and I won’t see him until Wednesday night, so probably won’t get to talk about this as soon as I want.
Am I being unreasonable? Is it inappropriate to discuss sex with someone else’s husband? Would you be comfortable with this? Thanks for reading such a long post!