(Closed) Discussing sex with someone else’s spouse

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: IS discussing sex with someone else's spouse ok?
    Yes, in all circumstances : (0 votes)
    In certain circumstances, but not when you're interested in someone else's spouse : (23 votes)
    55 %
    No, never : (19 votes)
    45 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    454 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I am a very open person and enjoy debate and opinions, so my knee jerk reaction WITHOUT reading the rest of the information is that it should be no problem.

    However, given her coolness to you and agreeableness with your Fiance – and the fact it makes you uncomfortable – I do not think it’s “okay” to maintain a friendship with this person.  Unless she is someone who is a ‘close’ friend to your Fiance (and, even then, this is a questionable situation), I would ask what he gets out of the relationship and just be very honest about how you feel.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2012

    I feel that it’s inappropriate.  Maybe that’s because I have close guy friends who are in relationships and I think it would be a very uncomfortable conversation.  Even when they weren’t in relationships, I honestly don’t think we ever talked about sex.  I’m glad you told your husband how she treats you when you are alone with her because that sends up a big red flag for me.

    Post # 5
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I feel it crosses a boundary when discussed, and isn’t the right thing to do.

    Unless your dh IS her gyno, I don’t think discussing abortion, sex, birth control, etc.  However, I feel your friend Sara, was TOTALLY inappropriate discussing the book with him.  that’s not medically-related.

    Her actions show she might have an ulterior motive, esp since she gives you the cool (not cold) shoulder and isn’t friendly with you too.

    Have dh tell her if she wants medical advice about what they discussed, to call up and schedule a consult with her ob-gyn.

    She’s crossing the line.

    Post # 6
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    It would not make me happy that he was discussing coming with Sarah.  NO “F”in way! 

    Post # 7
    Member
    711 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    I agree with the first poster. It may not be a big deal if you were comfortable with this person and friends with her as well. Considering your past history and the way she acts around you when your Fiance isnt around I can completely understand why this would make you uncomfortable. I definitely think you Fiance needs to separate from her a bit more and cut back on the lunches in particular.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    He needs to look out for you and your feelings first.  I say- out of the picture Sarah!

    Post # 9
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @guitargirl:  You never did mention if Sarah is single.  I am gleaning she is single?  Then she is WAY out of bounds.

    The lunch dates, breakfast dates may seem friendly, but it’s something I don’t think is good.  She’s a friend of yours, a friend of a friend, but how exactly is she a FRIEND of your dh? I mean, why aren’t YOU there during these so called “friend dates”?  I think if there is another to happen, you need to be there front and center.

    Furthemore, is she a FRIEND of your marriage?  that’s important.  In the city/metro area I live in, this is kinda rampant.  Not everybody these days cares if there is a ring on your finger or not.  Sad, I know. 

    To dh and I, if the people aren’t friends to our marriage, as well as friends to either one of us, why hang with them?  (I follow Marriagebuilders principles btw…great place) 

    Post # 10
    Member
    7771 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I agree with bellenga

    Post # 11
    Member
    654 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I agree that normally it wouldn’t be a problem, but considering how she behaves around you and that it bothers you so much, he should probably be more careful with his topics of conversation out of respect.  It sounds like he’s okay with doing that, from what you said about your abbreviated conversation, so you can probably relax about this issue for awhile.

    As for the girl, I had a lot more male friends than female, so I get where she’s coming from as well.  But if she’s also your friend (which I think you mentioned) she should be aware that her behaviour might be misconstrued.  Especially considering the kinds of things people just automatically (and often unfairly) assume when it comes to male/female friendship, and the fact that you don’t trust your source, it might be unfair to assume that she really does think of him that way.  It’s entirely possible that she doesn’t. 

    It’s your husband’s responsiblity to ensure that their conversations don’t go anywhere he knows you wouldn’t be comfortable with – she probably doesn’t have any reason to know which areas would be a concern to you, and it’s not really her problem to care.  She’s human, though, so she at least knows there could be an issue, she probably just assumes there isn’t one because your husband has never mentioned it or changed his behaviour around her. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    338 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    If she were genuinely friendly toward you and didn’t have a thing for your husband, I would say it’s fine, but considering that that is not the case, it most certainly is a big deal (or at least it would be to me).  Thankfully, it sounds like your husband realizes this too since you pointed it out.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7053 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Wow.  That says alot guitargirl.  Sarah is a frenemy at the least.  Are you a friend of Barbara?  That would say more too.

    But seriously.  I don’t understand why your DH is even around Sarah in the first place at all.  I have

    Fwiw, I have one male friend that is my friend, but his wife is also our friend, and they all attended our wedding and are FRIENDS of our marriage.  I have another male friend, and he is a friend and I’m getting to know his Fiance.  He called me last weekend to find out where to go in ATL (he’s 2 hrs away) to help  his Fiance correct a hair color change issue.  Sent her to the right place 🙂

    I don’t discuss anything personal like that w/my guy friends, and they certainly don’t with me either.  We’re all respectful.  We talk about work stuff, goofy stuff, vacation stuff, and ideas to maybe buy a gift for their spouse so I can be a good sounding board.  Ex:  “Would R like this diamond bracelet for Christmas?  Do you think she’d wear this alot if I bought it or should I instead buy the furniture for our living room she wants.”  That was a recent issue discussed w/one of my guy friends. 

    Another example.  I asked one of them what should I make for a suprise dinner I want to do for Valentine’s day weekend with my dh.  What kind of food would a guy like best, something more gourmet?  I had to get help on that one.

    But we’re all supportive of each other and our relatioships.  There’s never been an issue of that.  In fact, I’m now, friends with my bff guy’s wife.  She’s awesome!  I love her!

    Does your DH think anything is wrong with these little scheduled “dates” with Sarah?  I’d ask alot and I mean ALOT of open ended questions to see what the heck is he thinking.

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