(Closed) Discussing Sexual History with Your Fiance Before Marriage

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How much of your future spouse's sexual history do you want to know before getting married?

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  • Post # 2
    Member
    196 posts
    Blushing bee

    Fiance and I have discussed everything. Neither of us had been with many people before each other, so that made it a lot easier. But we are confident within our own relationship not to feel threatened. 

    We believe in having absolutely no secrets and it actually brought us closer. (For example, we discovered we both had previous partners who withheld sex for months on end – and because we had shared our sexual past with each other we were able to discuss how that had made us feel and we promised to always be vocal if that ever became a problem in the future.) 

    That being said, just because me and my partner do something, doesn’t mean the same would work for everyone. I totally respect and appreciate that some couples simply don’t want or need to know that stuff about their partner and that is TOTALLY acceptable too.

    Just figure out what works for you guys 🙂

    Post # 3
    Member
    9183 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    southerncharm:  Aside from the basics (have you had sex, have you got an std and do you have any children) what is there to talk about? Talking about your sexual past is very different to talking about how you acted in past relationships, what you have learnt from past relationships and boundaries.

    I would never want to be with someone that wants to define me by a number or what I did or didn’t do sexually with someone else and I would never want to be with someone who thinks it is ok to ask me to divulge private information about someone else that has zero to do with the present/future which is what you are doing when you ask you partner to give you details on their sexual past.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    949 posts
    Busy bee

     I think it depends on the situation and the people in question. Because we were still in our teens when we met, it wasn’t a big deal to talk about our sexual histories and we obviously know what we’ve been doing since then.

     

     However, if I was supposed to explain it all to someone new, it would be different, I guess.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1160 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    southerncharm:  we’ve talked about everything over the years (together 5 years before marriage, married for 1 so far). We’re both really comfortable talking about sex and don’t judge based on numbers etc so for us it was just the same as how we’ve talked about all other aspects of our pasts.

    Post # 6
    Member
    534 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2016

    We have shared our sexual history, but I wouldn’t consider it a requirement. It’s just on the list of things we have talked about.

    Post # 7
    Member
    2803 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    He didn’t date much, so I know a lot. I was slutty (let’s just admit it). He had to know some as I have two STDs… That after 6 years and two kids, he has NEVER gotten. But– I was honest- to a point. The absolute truth is too much. 

    My last last ex before Fiance lives on our street- at the other end- they’ve never met in the two years we have lived here.. But Fiance knows a lot about that relationship.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2013 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    My husband and I never shared anything outside of the fact that we were both STD-free and that we weren’t sleeping with other people. I have no desire to know details and I don’t think he does, either. It’s in the past. We’ve been together for almost 8 years (married for a year and a half). 

    Post # 9
    Member
    330 posts
    Helper bee

    View original reply
    southerncharm:  we discussed most things, but it was early in dating, long before we were considering getting married! We were young (22 and 23) and I was nosy so I asked and he told me lol. I just asked how many girls he had been with and I told him how many guys I had been with. Havent discussed anything from the past in a long long time now though! 

    Post # 10
    Member
    7524 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    We haven’t discussed it in depth. I know about his serious relationships before me, and vice versa, but beyond that we haven’t talked about it really. Which is more than fine with me. I don’t need to know his number and he has never expressed an interest in mine. It’s all in the past, so why get hung up on things that happened before we met each other? IMO the only reason people obsess over their partner’s “number” or their exes in general is out of insecurity–whether the person just has issues of their own they need to sort through, or more alarmingly if something about their partner’s behavior in the present is setting off warning bells.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8022 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    We know the number of people we have each been with, but no explicit details. I was married for 10 years prior to my DH so obviously he knows I had a past.  I think as you get older this matters less.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4226 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

    I have always been very open about my past sexual history with any partner I’ve been with. My DH was no exception. I just don’t see the point in lying about it. DH was untruthful with me…but it’s not what you think. He made himself sound like he had more partners than he actually did…he was embarassed at his lack of history when he found out how experienced I am.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2454 posts
    Buzzing bee

    We’ve discussed things. He has only been with a couple other girls so it wasn’t a long list, I’ve only been with a couple, but there are certain details that we’ve talked about. I think at the time some of it may have upset me, but it wouldn’t bother me now if I heard about it. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1054 posts
    Bumble bee

    Fiance and I started dating very young, so we know it all about each other. I can’t say that it would be the same had we started dating as adults, though. I dont think teenagers feel the same sense of privacy when it comes to those things. 

    Post # 15
    Member
    1260 posts
    Bumble bee

    View original reply
    southerncharm:  We didn’t share much and have NO regrets. What’s important is context. Knowing who someone is, and the general path that led them there. What’s not important is providing endless details to rehash and obsess over.

    We know a general range of previous partners, that we both have clean bills of sexual health, and the “important” experiences that made us who we are. While we each know a little bit about the other’s longest relationships we have spared each other most of the details. It’s all firmly in the past.

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