(Closed) Discussing Sexual History with Your Fiance Before Marriage

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How much of your future spouse's sexual history do you want to know before getting married?
    All : (91 votes)
    35 %
    Most : (52 votes)
    20 %
    Some : (55 votes)
    21 %
    Little : (41 votes)
    16 %
    None : (19 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 31
    Member
    1444 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I’m nosy so I know a lot about my DH’s sexual past and it hasn’t hurt anything. I know I win.

    He doesn’t know everything about my sexual past, like I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know the fact that the last time I slept with another guy was only 1 week before we first slept together, but I don’t think that’s affected our relationship at all. It’s not something he needs to know or that would enrich his knowledge about who I am. That sounds pretentious but you know what I mean? Anyways he knows probably more than enough about my past, like I told him how many guys I’ve slept with including him. I think we have a healthy mix of honesty, openness, and not needing to share every little detail.

    Post # 32
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    Daisy_Mae:  Accidental anal, lmao!

    It’s interesting to hear the different perspectives.

    We have shared pretty much everything. Anything we haven’t shared isn’t on purpose, and some things we don’t remember very well (we both have a couple of drunken one night stands under our belts lol). Like a few of the posters above, it all came out naturally. I didn’t give him the third degree or he me. 

    I can totally see why some people prefer not to divulge too much. But for us, not talking much about our sexual history would have been really weird. Our relationship is really open (basically no privacy, haha). We talk about everything, looonnng into the night. We also really enjoy talking about sex, what we like, what we hate, fantasies, fetishes etc. Past sexual experience is part and parcel with that.

    Post # 33
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    I feel like if you’re not going to be 100% honest,why are you marrying someone you don’t fully know. 

    You should never do anything you wouldn’t want to come into the light in the first place. If you used to be a ho,own up to that shit. But let me known you have changed. Show me you have changed. 

     

    Post # 34
    Member
    5088 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: December 2014

    We know some stuff, as things have just come out organically over time. We know each other’s numbers and some details about our major exes. These things have never been brought up in a “I need to know so I can judge you” way, just out of curiosity. His number is large (40+) and mine is only 3, that doesn’t bother me in the slightest. I actually like knowing that he has experienced a lot and chose me fully knowing what else is out there. I don’t have to worry about him suddenly deciding that he never got to sow his wild oats and that he’s missing out on something (this is why my ex and I broke up).

     

    Overall, I think it’s only really necessary to share the things that would have an impact on your current relationship. STD status, preferences, potential negative experiences with certain acts that you don’t want to revisit, etc.

    Post # 35
    Member
    7656 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    JerNCher:  “I feel like if you’re not going to be 100% honest,why are you marrying someone you don’t fully know.”

    I don’t think being 100% honest requires divulging info on every dude you banged before meeting your Fiance. “Who I really am” is so much more than the guys I slept with before meeting Fiance, and it’s the same for him. When we were first dating we had a few conversations about our past, sharing with each other the major players in it, and then quickly moved on. We met when we were a bit older though (29 and 33) so maybe that has something to do with our lack of interest in sharing all the gory details of our sexual history.

    My ex, on the other hand, was obsessed with my past. He had to know my number. He needed to know everything, and his knowing it was toxic. It really ate at him that I’d been with a lot of people before him (even though he’d been with more).

    So yeah, I’m definitely on team “need to know” basis. If something in my sexual history really had a serious impact on who I am today, then I will share that and would expect the same from Fiance. But otherwise no…we do not see the point.

    Post # 36
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2016

    We have talked about everything without giving too many details as neither one of us really care about each others past. We are both healthy which should be the only major concern, everything else stays on the past.

    Post # 37
    Member
    563 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    tiffanybruiser:  I don’t need to know details,positions, frequency. Definately not. But saying that the person doesn’t need to know,the fact that you’re(generally,not you specifically) keeping something hidden….purposely…I don’t think that’s right. But of course that’s only my opinion which comes from my experiences. In your case,since it had been an issue before,maybe I could understand. But as a spouse, I would be upset that I wasn’t told or that you thought I’d judge you. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    2660 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: County courthouse

    Before we got married, we discussed the number of partners we had, if either of us had gotten stds and birth control. It was an uncomfortable conversation but, we got it done.

    Post # 40
    Member
    6781 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2015

    I feel like what it’s really about is showing whether you have the same values.  Sure it’s okay for someone to have 25 partners before marriage.  And it’s okay to be a virgin.  But a virgin by choice probably doesn’t have the same personal beliefs as the 25 partners person and will therefore be less likely to be compatible.  They clearly don’t view sex in the same way.

    I see it as just as important as being on the same page with finances, with religion, politics, etc.  You don’t have to agree, but you do need to know where the other person is coming from and how that might impact the marriage.  An example: my best friend and I both waited until marriage.  That was extremely important to us.  We don’t think of sex as just recreational – there is so much more to it from our viewpoint (and fyi, neither one of us is particularly religious).  we both wanted partners who felt the same way or similar, so not a lot of premarital sex going on.  She wound up marrying someone who had sex in the past but was willing to wait for her.  I somehow, miraculously, wound up with a virgin as well, but dated some others.  

    I would not have dated a guy with high numbers of partners, especially since the likelihood that they would respect my feelings was pretty low, however I did find them amusing to chat with and discuss perspectives with.  Most guys I dated assumed I’d change my mind.  Many of my friend assumed as much as well.  I’m glad to say that I’m not that much of a pushover and do stand up for my personal beliefs.  Someone who thinks I can be swayed so easily from my values is not someone I want to spend my time with – and not because of how many partners they’ve had, but because of how they aren’t showing respect for me and my own life choices.

    TL/DR: knowing sexual history is one way to get a view on overall compatibility and therefore important.  As is knowing political, religious and other personal values.  Skip that discussion and you may later find out things you didn’t even realize and don’t care for about your partner.

    Post # 41
    Member
    28 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I’m sorry, but it’s no one’s business but mine and my past partners, on who I’ve slept with, how many times, sexual positions, etc etc.

    I’ve been with a lot of guys. Mainly because I had a horrible childhood and had some really bad “daddy issues” and I lacked self esteem. And it’s none of my husband’s business who I have been with. When we first got together, he wanted to know EVERYTHING. Like what I had done, positions, oral. He was a virgin, so I figured, maybe he wanted to learn something? But then as time went by, when he would ask questions and I would answer, he’d get mad about it. So, I stopped. I also told my therapist about it and she agrees with me. She says the past is the past and that’s where it belongs. She said of course you can tell if you want, but it’s really up to you.

    My husband used to get angry when I would just tell him to stop asking questions like that because it’s not his business. But we had a hash out about it. He used to be very jealous. I’m sure if I told him how many men that I”ve been with, he’d probably stop talking to me for a week.

    In anycase, it’s no one’s business but your own. Sure, there should be no “secrets” in marriage. but that’s not a secret. It’s the past, and that’s where it belongs. Intimate details don’t need to be brought up.

    Post # 42
    Member
    61 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    My Fiance and I didn’t share much sexual history before we met. We knew we both didn’t have any STIs or Save-The-Date Cards, and whatever was in the past is in the past. I don’t really care to know because it isn’t important. If he wanted to know more then I don’t have anything to hide, but I’m sure it isn’t important to him either. Unless either of us were virgins when we started dating, then maybe there would have been something to talk about, at least in my opinion, anyway.

    Post # 43
    Member
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    My Fiance brought it up on our 4th date (we weren’t even official yet). Instead of being off putting, I actually really appreciated that he brought it up, even at so early a stage, especially since his number before me was 2 (his exes) and mine before him was 1 (my ex).  I know those are shockingly low numbers, but I appreciated knowing.  We are both attractive people (I’d like to think so) and were both 25 when we met. We both just had and still have the same mentality that we would only have sex in the context of a relationship. We’re both also hopeless romantics and waited a while before entering our first relationships.

    I’m the type of person who wants to know everything, so even if I didn’t already know, I’d want to know. Even if his number was some absurdly high number, I’d want to know.  I have friends who don’t want to know and I simply cannot understand how they don’t want to know. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    7656 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    JerNCher:  Responding belatedly. I agree you shouldn’t keep things “hidden,” but in my relationship we both have a sort of need to know approach. It’s not that I am “hiding” how many people I’ve been with, or that Fiance is hiding how many he’s been with….it’s just that we mutually don’t really care or have any desire to know that info about the other person, because it’s not relevant to our relationship.

    If Fiance point blank asked me how many partners I’ve had, I would tell him, but so far he hasn’t asked and I have no burning desire to tell him. Also no burning desire to know his number.

    Things I would and did want to know about as we were getting to know each other: what were the serious relationships in his life before he met me, why did they end, is he still in touch with any of those exes, does he have STIs……I mean that’s honestly it. I have no need to know any more than that, and the fact that he hasn’t divulged anything beyond that (and neither have I) isn’t a matter of “hiding” something.

    Post # 45
    Member
    333 posts
    Helper bee

    I told my husband everything before we even dated becuase he was my best friend, so he knew everything. Even what things we tried lol. However, I did tell my ex before that and the one before that everything. What I have tried what I have done, how many partners. I have nothing to hide and there is nothing to lie about. If he dose not accept it, it will come out someday and even if you didn’t lie it would look like you intentionally hide it for a purpose. I am a very talktive and over sharer so it is just matter of time, it will accidently slip out of my mouth when I am drunk or even sober LOL… I rather to tell them before I started so they won’t be shock and run away after we build a realtionship. 

    I alway had all my exs check of all STDS before the relationship including my husband. I get them checked too. 

    he told me about everything he did too, I even ask him what he liked and didn’t so we can improve our sex life 🙂 I learned a thing or two. Communication is vital, this is the beginning of a relationship that will last for a very long time. 

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