(Closed) Discussing Sexual History with Your Fiance Before Marriage

posted 4 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: How much of your future spouse's sexual history do you want to know before getting married?
    All : (91 votes)
    35 %
    Most : (52 votes)
    20 %
    Some : (55 votes)
    21 %
    Little : (41 votes)
    16 %
    None : (19 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 46
    1170 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    Way more than I ever wanted to know. Until I put my fingers in my ears and ran screaming from the room.  But he came of age in the 60’s and 70’s and had a hippie phase.  He also made a good amount of money and drove a Corvette.  Chicks dug him.

    Post # 47
    191 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    skunktastic:  I agree with you 100%.  Someone’s sexual history is a barometer for me as well.  That’s why I was relieved when my Fiance told me early on that he’d only been with 2 people sexually in the past (his exes) and I very comfortably told him I’d been with 1 (my ex).  I’m really glad I figured out early on that we have similar personal morals.

    Post # 48
    255 posts
    Helper bee

    southerncharm:  We personally didn’t question it. My Fiance was my first, but he was very active and had relationships before mine. I have an idea of how many girls he’s slept with; but for me I don’t really care. It was before me, and its his past. Not my buisness.

    Post # 49
    123 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015 - The Runnymede Hotel

    Like a lot of others – we talk about everything and anything, so it was never a ‘let’s do the talk’, but most stuff has come up organically. 

    Also I had a number of relationships with other women before meeting my husband – I felt it was important that he know this early on. It’s never easy to come out, but I basically had to because he would have found out anyway and that’s something he had to gear from me first.

    We didn’t feel the need to discuss every last detail of each others sexual history, but we both know pretty much all there is to know. 

    Post # 50
    439 posts
    Helper bee

    From the beginning we have agreed the past is the past. We do know some details and vague numbers but what happened specifically with other people doesn’t matter because that is in the past. The past cannot be changed. No point dwelling on it.

    Post # 52
    2146 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2017

    I find it very strange that people wouldnt… you cant erase the past, it part of what makes you you and seems quite childish almost like the emotional version of sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling ‘la la la la la’ to ignore it ever happened


    its bound to be that you where probably damaged in some way by a past relationship (lets face it there is no senario where it was perfect or it wouldn’t be an ex) so you might aswell admit it and grow from it, with security and no secrets otherwise your going to end up in councelling down the line when you hit a block you never worked through

    Post # 53
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee

    We know bits about each other but we got together when we were 17 so there wasn’t a huge amount to know really. We’ve been together 11 years so what we did back then really doesn’t matter.

    Post # 54
    7751 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Ehh…this is obviously a huge generalization, but I feel like people who obsess over knowing every detail of their partner’s sexual history tend to be ones that have had fewer partners/relationships in the past, and therfore are more insecure about things like a person’s “number,” if they had casual sex in the past, etc.

    Obviously it’s important to discuss things in your past that are IMPORTANT to you and that shaped who you are. Like as a PP mentioned, she had been with women in the past…that’s a part of who she is and of course she should divulge it to her Fiance. But do I really need to tell my Fiance about rando dude during study abroad that I met at a bar, hooked up with, and never saw again? I think not. I barely think of that episode myself these days. And I know Fiance wouldn’t care. If I mentioned it he’d be like “uh, good to know?” lol and then we’d move on. It’s just not necessary or remotely relevant.

    Post # 55
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2017

    I’m a bit weird, possibly, but I don’t much care about knowing FI’s sexual history (I do know it all anyway).. that being said, it was important to me that he knew mine. I feel really bad about the relationships I had in the past, so I wanted him to know. No secrets over here. 🙂

    Post # 56
    3631 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2016 - Manhattan, NY

    southerncharm:  My husband and I did not discuss sexual history at length and I prefer it that way. He was married before and he’s 20 years older than me; I know he’s done a good amount of dating around. All that mattered to me was a clean bill of health, which we both have. He knows what I have and have not done, what I’m open and opposed to doing, and I think that’s all that important. No need to go into number of sexual partners or things like that.  

    Post # 57
    41 posts

    My past resulted in a divorce. Shortly after we got married he found out I dated a Hispanic guy 6 years ago. He’d asked me during our engagement if I’d slept with a Mexican. I said no. He was from a different country and he was not Mexican. Anyway, my husband said it was a deal breaker and he did everything to destroy our marriage. After verbal, emotional abuse, kicking me out of his house multiple times to go stay at a hotel ( or sleep in my car) rages, calling me gross and disgusting I left. He got his wish. I moved out and he filed for divorce. 

    Post # 59
    588 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2016

    For us- we know that we have both never had STD’s and we both do not have children. We both know that we have had a handful of previous relationships- all that obviously hadn’t worked out. 

    – And now we are together and love eachother very much! I don’t want to know details of things he has done with other women. It isn’t necessary.

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